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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Panic attack

I just had another panic son, 15 months, loves to stand on the windowsill and look out on the street. The window was open just a crack Because it's a nice day and there's a screen. We're up on the 7th floor. So my husband opens it wide and is holding our son tight but I just panicked, and I'm sobbing, my heart is racing, I can't breathe, and he of course closes it...I've been having these nightmares about my son dying falling out the window...ugh, this sucks. I know my husband wouldn't let him crash through the screen and fall and die but...well, we've been struck by lightning before. Anyway, thanks for listening.
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I understand you perfectly!
All of a sudden we discover our children are mortal... The fear of loosing another oneis sometimes overwelming!

I have had some major panic attacks, and most times I just control my feelings to give enough space for my eldest (a 12 y old) to grow and gain her independence... but I noticed that I have become a lioness mother ( translated from portuguese) capable of loosing my sanity at any momennt and growling against whatevermay put my children at (what I perceive as) risk!
I am just two years in this, and with my little rainbow with just a month... There are just some subjects that drive me nuts, like SIDS ...
Many times I just bury my head in the sand, and try not to think about and obssess about something that ticks me too much!

Just to say, you are not alone!
April 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thanks Marta--I'm with you on lioness mama--or maybe Mama Bear:) don't mess with my cubs!!! I will have to work as he grows on encouraging his Independence. Sending you some peace as you adapt to life with your new baby.

It's nice to have this place where we can share and be listened to!
April 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Oh, when my live kids get sick or hurt themselves, I'm a mess.
April 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Oh AB, that would have stopped my heart too!! Is it a security screen? Is putting bars on it an option? Anything to calm the nerves and remove that particular fear!

My daughter (7 years) had an abscess above a tooth last week. It was thought she may need to have the tooth pulled and it was suggested that I would need to hold her down for the anaesthetic. I had a full blown panic attack. Luckily I sought a second opinion which resulted in antibiotics, filling the tooth and everything resolving. The thought of my girl in pain and frightened took my breath away, I literally couldn't breathe.

We get it. Big hugs mama x
April 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Thanks Shelby's mom. No it's just a bug screen and I don't think there's a way to add bars or anything...I guess the only good thing is we're moving soon so hopefully the new place won't be as scary! Oh the holding down/anasthesia would have sent me reeling...sending you a big hug back!
April 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I use those inexpensive, wood pressure gates in some of our windows. It is not perfect, but it helps my fear. They can also be used vertically, which I do on a couple of the upstairs windows. You know, turned on their side. Anything for a little less adrenaline in my system! (I live with my daughter. Three children in the house, 10yo boy, 4yo girl, 20 month old boy.)
April 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
Hmm, I'll have to look into those Jill! Thank you! It would be nice to have something, even temporary, that would help.
April 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB