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glow in the woods

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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Awkward moment

"And how do you know V's mom?" another mother asks as we stand around watching our children eat birthday cupcakes.

Hmm, well. "We were in prenatal classes together." I gesture at my 2 1/2 year old, who is not turning 4 like V. The age gap obvious. "When I was pregnant with my first," I add. "Who died." "Oh, I'm sorry!" the other mother murmurs, but I have rushed on, talking over her. "We've stayed friends since, through the births of our subsequent children."

It wasn't so painful, this moment, but it took me by surprise, that I'd have to explain this at a birthday party. That I will have to explain it over and over in more awkward moments forever and ever. The words come easier, but it doesn't actually get any easier, that moment.
February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBurning Eye
I Held my daughter's 12th birthday party a few weeks ago,
I was pregnant at the time of 35 weeks, everyone can reeeaaally notice it. It will be my daughter's second brother, because her first should be celebrating at that time his 2nd birthday, but he is not! Our little miracle of same due date 10 years apart ended tragically...

So there they were, the moms of her friends that accompanied through her grief, 2 years before... A confortable environment where everyone is supposed to remember, to know about it, and PLEASE PEOPLE understand that this new little one on the way... is not your usual pregnancy! We are afraid!
Two moms come along, newer faces, and start the most inoquous chatter... Its almost time now, How she will be such a help with the baby, she will surely love having a LIVE doll at home to play with... AND THEN... Hopefully she will deal well with jeaulosy because eventhough she is an ONLY CHILD, she is big now!

It tipped my bucket. I could only reply that she would naturally be much happier and better than 2 years ago, when her other little brother had died.

I don't know what came over me... it was not their fault... they were being nice... but it caught me off guard... And I lashed out!
Should we go around wearing a self explanatory Tshirt or head banner? Forever?

February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
It always comes back to the fact that the baby died, doesn't it? It never cease to amaze me how that thread of life is woven in everything. Places and situations where it takes you by surprise, when you truly were not thinking about the loss and grief, nor expecting to. I have tried to pay attention to my thoughts, sometimes, to see if my living children are as completely present in my every thought as my dead daughter. Mostly to check if I am being obsessive or not. I think they are and I simply don't notice it because thoughts of them do not hurt. Do not catch my heart up for a moment and then with a little skip it gets back to its normal beat.

It never gets less tragic. The words, "he died," "she died," never lose their power, never lose an iota of their pain. Even when life is going fine and you are not feeling the pain, you always know it is there.

Peace to you Burning Eye. I cannot believe this baby is two and half already!
February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
I'm allways taken off guard..
last time yesterday, I was cohosting a sling-meet. A presentation round didn't even cross my mind as I knew of everyone, but someone suggested it. I started by saying my rainbows name and stating that she was the youngest, and that my baby-wearing varer started with my oldest one. Someone had to ask how many they were along my story, so I answerd "two living" I think everyone but she knew, and she was wise enough to not take it further before we were te only two left. She was intrested to know about little miss, not only curious.

As Jill A said, "she died" "he died" never los their power, nor the pain.
February 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
I have this happen a lot too at the moment. I am 36 weeks along now, and my 15 month old daughter passed away January 2016. Every day almost someone asks me if this is my first. The first times I answered and said "my first daughter passed in January" I got very flushed, red, sweaty, holding back tears and throat tight. Each time I can handle myself better, I say, "No my daughter passed in January" and I see their faces change and I say, "Her name is Sorrel, its okay, I like to talk about her." Some ask more and some don't. But what I am saying is true, I like to talk about her. Remember she was real. and hear her name, on my lips or someone elses. There is no sound more beautiful to me.
Thinking of all you other strong moms. One day at a time.
February 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterPS
Burning Eye--I can't believe that baby is about 2.5! Wow!

I've had pretty good success avoiding getting any questions about how many kids I have by refraining from asking anyone else how many kids (or other kids) they have, even when it is the obvious topic to start. It can make conversation stilted at times. Worth it.
March 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM