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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Adopting.

This post doesn't really belong under TTC, so hopefully it belongs here. I'm interested to know if anyone adopted/is adopting after infant loss. I'd also like to know your story, if you're willing to share. One specific question I have is if you chose to adopt the same gender or not of the baby you lost.
January 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElaina
Elaina,

I haven't personally adopted after our loss, but I do have a friend who did and another in process. Friend 1 adopted twin boys (they lost their 2nd child, a boy). they chose adoption because carrying again posed too great a risk to her own life. I'm sorry I don't know if they were looking for a gender specific placement, but I will ask and get back to you. Friend 2 is in the adoption pipeline- I think at first she was hoping to adopt a boy(s) (she lost triplets), but I feel that's shifted for her.

I hope this helps a bit. Good luck to you.
January 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commentersme
Hi Elaina,

My husband and I lost our boy/girl twins this past March at 20 weeks and 5 days. As they were IVF babies, the conception process was long and arduous, and we are still grieving our sweet children, Jonah and Emory. We do have a third little frosty (frozen embryo), but neither of us feel that we can handle the pain if that baby were to result in a stillbirth as well. For now, s/he waits on ice.

We are currently working with an adoption agency and social worker to get the finishing touches on our profile before going active - meaning that we will be advertised to Birth Mothers. We chose not to select a gender-specific adoption, because really, it doesn't matter to us as we already have a son and a daughter, though they live in Heaven. One of the biggest factors in not being gender-specific is that our agency, as well as most other agencies, charge a considerable fee to choose the gender. For us, it was not in the budget, but also, if a baby were to come along naturally, we wouldn't be able to choose beforehand, so we just left if up to God.

Ultimately, I think that if having a child of the same gender will cause pain, it's okay to go with the other gender. It's all such a personal decision and no one can make it for you. Whatever you choose will be right for you and your family.

I wish you all the best in whatever path you choose. If you ever want to know more, let me know. I know for certain that I did not go through this awful season of life so that I could sit on my story and not help others. If I can share/listen/give advice/be a friend, please let me know.
January 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLeah
Hi Elaina,

I posted about this very topic in the Not TTC/Infertility After Loss discussion board and had a bit of a back and forth with Leah. (currently 2nd post down, date is listed as April 3). You are welcome to read through what we wrote to one another and join in on the discussion. Sending hugs to you.
April 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa