We went to the library today, as so many times before. My oldest living loves to read just as here mother and father. We met one acquainance, one of the mothers from a mommy and me group we attended. "Oh you've got a little sister" she said. My oldest said " yes, but little miss S came before here, in the middle of us" I could se the the questions form " I can't ser here, why isn't she here etc"
I just had to confirm " she was born sleeping, stillborn, most likely a cord accident, she would have been two now"
"Oh that's horrific, that's sad. And how aware the 4 yo is of that" "well yes, it's not a secret, we answer every question she's got. She is a big sister of two :) " And then it comes "but at least you have your two sunshines here"
I don't like those words, yes i've got two here, bu I still miss those who aren't here.

I often think that one of the best pieces of advice on what not to say to a loss mama is "if what you're about to say begins with the words "at least", then just don't say it.."

I have a living 5yo son, and have lost 2 girls in the last three years - I hate those words "at least" too... It always feels like whoever says them is trying to minimise my pain, like as if it could have been worse somehow... maybe if either of my girls had lived and been "real" babies before I lost them.... Or maybe they're trying to squash the enormous crushing awfulness of loss down into something bitesize that they can handle?

It does sometimes make me laugh though, in a slightly unkind "these people are idiots" kind of way - I sometimes almost feel sorry for folk caught off guard and trying to make some wise remark to make it "better"....

I relate to this. I lost one twin in March and my three-year-old is very aware. He doesn't talk about his sister as much now as he did in the months leading up to it (we knew she most likely would not live for more than a few hours) and the months immediately following, but bringing home just one twin was so hard.

People who don't know (strangers and acquaintances I didn't see while pregnant) just see my two beautiful boys and have no idea of the beautiful little girl I lost. I tend not to tell them because I don't want to hear "at least you have this one". I'm scared of hearing that... so I just stay quiet.

Amazingly, I've been lucky enough that people who DO know our story haven't said those sorts of things.

I do chalk it up to people not knowing what to say and not understanding that it's ok to just say "I'm so sorry" and that's it.

I hate the "at least"'s

My mum said "At least you have your living daughter to distract you, imagine how hard it would be if you lost your first"
And "At least you didn't lose twins, imagine how hard it would be losing two".

You know what? Every loss is horrific and hard. And whether you have living children or not, lost one baby or more, under whatever circumstances.... nobody should "at least" us and trivialise or minimise the magnitude of our individual losses.

I'm sorry you had to hear that. x

I know what you mean!
My baby son would have been ten years younger than his sister, and the "atleast you have her" always feels like... I already did!
in the early days of grief, I even developed a terror of loosing her too, and many times I found myself thinking, at lest it was him and not her. He was stillborn, due to placental abruption at 34 -2. This of course led down the spiral of blaming myself for prefering one to the other, etc.
People don't understand! Nor do they realize the true consequences of "well-meaning, stop grieving" words...

I think that once i let my anger dominate me, and replied! Would you be content if you lost one of yours but kept the rest?

i am now facing a new wave of "well meaning comments", carrying my rainbow. Now everyone will start the comments of "you are huge... you'll not make it to 40 w!" And "I do hope you have a very small hour", a portuguese expression for a quick/painless labor.
For me, that means repeting my son's tragedy again. In a few moments he was dead.
Do people even think?
Was I like them before?

Thank you mamas <3
Sorry about each of your losses.

Stella's mum, I've been thinking the same as you, maby if she'd been a " real baby", maby then they would get it, but I guess not. Because they won't dare to think about it. Actually, those who have understood a part of this, is my ivf friends that saddly haven't been able to concive, they have been my lifeline IRL

Cwow, that's great that you can manage to tell them that a simple "I'm sorry" is enough. I tend to get angry and quiet. At the library was an exception. I have to start to open up.


Shelby's mum, your mother said what?!? I'm so sorry that she said those things., at least, should't be a part of the vocabulary.

Marta- I remember those well meaning comments, like "this time it's your time" " lighting won't strike twice (those who only new about little miss s dying)"
It's horrible that they will utter "you won't reach week 40. That's a harsh thing to say to a loss mama. I could have answerd that with "no I won't, becaus they will induce me at week 38" But that comment would have sendt me home crying and looking for a new headstone that could hold two names. All the best wishes for your rainbow.