I don't come here too often anymore. The grief over Amelia is still here but I have grown more comfortable with it. It has become my constant companion- whispering in my head, following me around just like I imagine my sweet little 2 1/2 year old Amelia would do if life had turned out differently for her and us.

Tomorrow my rainbow, Caleigh, will turn 6 months old and we will also have a nanny start. I work part time from home and so I have been lucky that I have been able to work and be her primary caregiver but the time has come where I need some help and she needs some more attention while I am working. I have so many mixed feelings about this, about giving her care over to someone else for 3 hours a day. 3 hours a day because I am terrified to have her out of my sight and my care. This will be the first time in her whole life that someone else has watched her that wasn't me or my husband. I am so scared that something will happen to her and I will lose her too.

So here I sit working next to my napping baby because I can't leave her side for fear that SIDS will claim her so I sit here and I found myself drawn to Glow again to voice these fears that no one else quite understands. But I know you all do because we have all lived through the worst and live with it every single day.

I know this post is crazy and some random thoughts but I am feeling better that I wrote it down.

I don't think your post is crazy at all. It's hard to trust someone else with the care of our precious babies. I struggle to leave my rainbows home even with my husband watching them!!!! I hope your nanny is wonderful and eases your mind. It's never a bad thing to have more people loving our kids I feel. Our carer has become like part of our family so I hope yours does too. The reality is that although we would love to be there to make sure our babies are safe every minute of the day most of us have to work at some point and a break is good for our mental health too.

On the sleeping/fear of SIDS front- have you got a monitor? I use a snuza go (I used it for my first rainbow up until around 9 months and my 8 month old is still using it). It's the only way I can sleep or relax when the babies sleep.

Vent all you need, we do understand here xx