I've not been here for so long although when my son died 4 and a half years ago it was my lifeline. Since then I've had a beautiful baby girl who will be turning 3 in a few weeks.
I have a lot of happiness in my life, I enjoy things, I laugh, I look forward to things but except for absolutely wanting to keep safe and live my life for my daughter, deep down I stil have not regained any desire to be alive for myself. It's hard to explain. I'm not suicidal and now I have my daughter of course I want to live but that's the only reason. Other than that as I say I have really positive things going on but if it wasn't for my daughter although I wouldn't end my life I certainly wouldn't be at all bothered if something happened to end. It's a really strange thing, not caring if I live or die but not suicidal and still getting happiness from life at times.
I'm just seeing if anyone knows even remotely what I'm trying to explain :)

Hello dear friend, it's nice to "see" you but I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling peaceful. I probably feel somewhat the same. That if I didn't have my kids sometimes the pain of missing Shelby and the stress of life itself and the bad things in the world would mean I wouldn't want to go through the effort of existing any more. Sometimes life is just exhausting. All I can say is keep reaching out and trying to find the good in every day little things. Some days it's easier than others. On the hard days I hope you know you can always message or pop in here. Thinking of you and F & B always xx

I recognize the feeling you are talking about, I think. Myself, I was suicidal for about 18 months after my daughter died. When that eased off, I was about where you sound as if you are. Not really caring. If I have to live, okay, fine, whatever. If I die, well that would be rotten at this time, I still have responsibilities to meet and people to love. People who need me, who I love and are better off if I am alive. *sigh* Does that sound like what you are expressing?

Last month, I met my last responsibility. I fulfilled the last promise that I ever made. There are still things like marriage vows and being a decent person and paying bills, but nothing else I have to do for anyone. Where I am now is that I am not frightened of death. Dying isn't going to rob me of anything or leave my life cut short. I am comfortable with the fact that I will be dead someday. The illness and dying still cause me concern, but not the outcome. My daughter died, my parents died, two brothers have died, other loved one have died. I can too.

Like you, I have no desire to die and no desire to live. I'm not afraid anymore of either. I'll take the good and take the bad and do my best.

I hope you find your answers, too. And some peace with your answers.

Hi Danielle - I hope it's okay to post hear even though I don't have any living children. Your post resonates with me 5 1/2 years later after our son died. While I've found "reasons" to be around the joy I experience is just not the same as before. I see over time my capacity to experience joy and gratitude has improved but the ambivalence towards life (and death) is still there. Your post made me realize the only other time I reconnected to that the feelings I had before our son was when we were pregnant again last year. I've been through so much 'growth" and counseling and grieving yet that world view you expressed is still there. Maybe this is true for "survivors" - maybe it's a natural evolution when one has been on earth long enough. I'm cognizant of signs of anxiety/depression as it seems I can veer more easily towards that direction since my loss too - it can creep in like a long shadow that was once at a distance and then can grow over the whole landscape. Just wanted to say I think I understand what you're expressing.

Danielle- I don't have much to add to this conversation but a 'hello and a warm hug'.. it sounds like you are managing in the space that you are in, and that you are comfortable with it. I'm happy you reached out to this space and that there are those who feel similarly and can share and expand upon those feelings.

Sending warm hugs your way- Simone's Mommy (Branwen)

Thankyou for always being here and understanding. I knew as soon as I needed to express what I was feeling id find love and understanding here.