My baby girl Alana passed away 6 months ago and now I am pregnant again. So many emotions I don't know where to start. I'm happy that I've been blessed with this new life inside of me but I'm angry that my Alana isn't here to share in this joy. I'm scared, so scared that I won't love this baby as much as her or that because of my grief I'll mess this child's life up with my sadness. I feel like with every thought of this baby a dream I had made about Alana growing up fades. I have moments where I don't want this baby because all I want is her. How horrible is that? I feel so much guilt at points it feels unbearable. I just want to know if this will get better. So many people keep telling me these cliche quotes "there's always sunshine after a cloudy day" I know they mean the best but after hearing things like this over and over they just make me want to throw up. I just want to hear from someone who knows my pain. Unfiltered raw and just real. Thank you.

Hey Shannon,

I wanted to reply to you and say I totally get what you're saying. My baby boy died July 2014, and my rainbow, a little girl arrived July 2015. I spent many nights in the beginning crying, lonely nights up with my rainbow wishing she was my boy instead. The guilt in the morning was horrendous, as of course I desperately wanted her, I guess I just want them both. I think you will be surprised by the love that you will have for both, I feel I have a different love for each- my boys love is fierce, almost beyond this world, while my daughters love is complicated because it is love born out of sorrow and fear. But each love has the same depth. While my rainbow is now almost six months it's has become much easier to separate the two babies, she has her own personality and I feel like I can't compare, her milestones are a source of joy for what she has achieved rather than a sadness for what we missed out on with her brother. And I can without a doubt say that you won't mess up your rainbow with your grief, you will find ways to explain it to them as you journey along together. Those 'positive' sayings really piss me off as well, cause to us baby loss mummas they don't mean a thing. I hoped this has somewhat helped. You should join the pregnancy thread when you feel ready, it really helped me with my rainbow pregnancy.

Take care, Karen.

Shannon,
I think you are brave and honest.
I think everything you are feeling is normal, however conflicting and confusing.
Continue to talking about/write about your mixed up feelings. They will eventually be less turbulent though never clear or simple.
I am rooting for you and for peace.

Shannon, a gentle congratulations in your pregnancy. I know how you feel. Bring pregnant again is so complicated and hard. You should check in on the ttc/pregnancy board, we have a monthly pregnancy thread for support and worries and stories and all. You might find it helpful, though not everyone does of course. I've definitely appreciated a place to talk with other babylost parents about my rainbow pregnancies.