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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Far in the Future

This is far in the future for the majority of you. It is about becoming a grandparent. It will be 25 years next month when my youngest daughter died shortly after birth. The years have gotten easier and easier to handle. The second decade was SO much easier than the first.

But now, my kids are having kids. One baby was born last August, one is due in the end of this month and one is due in March. My first grandchild was born 3 years ago. And the fear of one of them dying during or before birth weighs on me. Weighs so heavily at times. I don't want to teach my children about grieving the death of their child. I don't. I've done some of it, there has been one stillbirth at 37 weeks and two 12 week miscarriages.

I told everyone that after all the babies are born well and happily and all is good that there will be NO MORE BABIES for one year. I need the break!

This is sharing so that you can put it in the back of your minds to prepare yourselves, to know that this might come up in your lives. It is hard to watch. It is hard to again be able to do so little that it feels like nothing. I've had lots of friends and family have children since my baby died, but nothing has hit as hard as watching the kids have kids.
December 5, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
This is interesting to keep in mind. I think it will be very hard...hopefully I will have grandkids! Best wishes.
December 10, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJM
Thank you for posting this Jill A.

I actually was told that right after my little miss S died, but I had forgotten all about it.
December 11, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Jill, I hope the next two months will fly by! So many grandchildren in one year. I can only imagine the stress and worry. It took me a long time to accept that baby loss is a "life sentence". I have written this here before: I shared a hospital room with an old lady, well into her 70s, after my daughter had died. She heard what had happened and told me about her loss 50 odd years ago, with tears streaming down her face. I was a little bit shocked at the time. Now I understand. I hope you will get to hold all your beautiful, healthy and happy grandchildren soon!
December 15, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterB
Ladies, I thank you for your responses and your good wishes. This has taken me by surprise. I have been through women I love having babies. And losing them. I've cried and I've done this. With all my heart and soul. I don't get lost anymore and I don't get so very afraid.

Except now I am and it really took me aback. Like once again I had a deal with life and life screwed me over. Again. I want to stomp my feet and stick my tongue out and scream, "It's Not Fair!"

I'm putting this out there so that in 20 or 30 years, when and if it hits any of you, you'll be able to say, "Oh yeah. This is normal. It happens."
December 16, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
Late to the thread but I've not really thought of this, mostly due to the infertility and the uncertainty of having living kids. I did think "I'd be ok with my kids naming a sibling after Mira." Now that my rainbow is here I've more thought how freaking old I'll be when blah blah happens. Currently I am dealing with all three of my younger sisters being pregnant with their first.......and it's hard. The youngest sister I helped raise (the nature of a big family). I don't want them to go through what I did. So JillA - I hear you! Thanks for the heads up! I hope all of your grandbabies make it here safe and sound (I couldn't tell if your kids had 12/37 week losses or if someone else did).

25 know the drill....but still, it sucks. I'm sorry.
February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKO
KO, I think the extra fear and pain come with the responsibility we feel. I know it is not love, because I have loved others who have had children. But with the kids, and you with your sisters, you know you are going to be one of the people they turn to for help and healing. Trying to teach them that there is no help, that you never actually heal as we recognized it before loss is so heartbreaking.

Yes, the loss and miscarriages were in the family. My baby loss mother is due the end of March. So far, so good. But it was last time, too. You know. Baby due in December is here and well. Emergency c-section. Somehow no one noticed he was full breech until her water broke. Silly me! I thought they would notice that on the ultrasound (sarcasm!) She needed four units of blood, but - but Mama and baby are alive and well and doing just fine. Thanks for asking!

I hope all goes well with your family. You have my thoughts and sympathy as you worry and panic them through it!
February 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.