I needed to take a break from decorating for Halloween and come here to write out my thoughts and feelings. Each decoration box that I open, was lovingly put away by myself last fall, very pregnant and with the expectation that next year(this year), my daughter would be here to see the lights, pumpkins, smiling at them, just as my son did. I just found a Halloween toy that I bought for her, and had to sit down for a minute to catch my breath. I'd forgotten about it. My chest literally hurts with grief, it is so weird, it hurts, but it feels so empty too.

I have a three year old son, so I feel like I have to push myself to fill this holiday season with joy and excitement, but damn this is so hard. He is so excited about decorating, he loved looking at the pumpkins he painted last Halloween, one for him, one for his sister to be. It is so hard to battle this deep fear and grief inside me, and stay excited for him. I don't want to destroy the holidays for him, three is such a precious, magical age.

I am so terrified of living through this holiday season. My daughter died on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. The day before that, was a Wednesday, and we had a huge snow storm, and I took down the Halloween decorations to put up the Christmas. I remember sitting at the end of that day, hugely pregnant, rubbing my belly, enjoying her moving inside me, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree, imagining the presents I had bought for her under it.

I survived last Christmas, I did, but how do I face Thanksgiving, knowing it was the last day of my daughter's life? I how do I do that and not hurt my son more than he has already been hurt, having to live without his sister? And there was a piece of me, the irrational piece, who kind of told myself that this Christmas will better, that it can't be as bad as it was. And here I am, and the prospect of Christmas is just as bad, minus the shock I was in.

And then there is another layer, trying to get pregnant, and not succeeding. Last Christmas I remember remarking, deep in my grief, "I better be pregnant by next year." And here I am, facing the prospect of not, of it just being the three of us again.

The holidays used to be such a beautiful, magical time, now all I want is for them to pass by as quickly as possible. But then, I know that this is the first Christmas my son with remember, he's excited about Santa, he talks about trick or treating, what costume he wants to wear. I want nothing more than to bury my head under the sand, but I can't. I have to face every single thing for him. And like I said, it just plain hurts.

Hi Margaret,

I very much understand. Our daughter died on Thanksgiving last year (at four days old due to birth trauma). Our son will be three in early November so also will understand the holidays. I find myself unable to make plans for anything because nothing feels right. It is impossible. I am also not pregnant again. My heart goes out to you.

Jane,
Thanks. It is nice to know I am not alone. My heart goes out to you and your family as well.

Margaret,

Holidays are hard for me, too. We found out our son Joseph had died at 35 weeks on Christmas Day. I have a daughter who is 18 months now, but even with her I find it hard to work up much holiday energy. I used to love fall holidays, especially Halloween, but I just haven't been able to get back into it. And Thanksgiving is hard because it's lots of family, and there's always the fear that they will forget to mention Joseph. And Christmas… Christmas just sucks. We're supposed to be checking calendars and making plans with family, but I just don't want to think about it. I hope it won't always be that way. (This Christmas will be 3 years Joseph is gone.)

I don't have any advice. I'm sorry you're going through this.

hugs,