Just had my son's third birthday. It was so very hard, trying to make it special and happy for him all the while feel so sad about my daughter. I was so sad thinking about last year, what a beautiful day his birthday was; I was pregnant, so excited, and so happy to celebrate my son's birthday. This year was so different, so hard. That's all. I just hate feeling like this. I hate how hard it's become to be the parent I want to be. I hate all of it.

I remember my daughter's first birthday after her sister's death. She turned 4. It was so hard, remembering the year before, how happy we'd been expecting her sister, and thinking about how her sister would never have a birthday, a birthday party. I'm sorry, Margaret. I'm sorry it was so hard, and hate it, too. It has gotten easier for me, with time - not easy, but better, different. I hope it will for you, too. Sending you a big hug.

I know how tough it is. Well done for trying, and not curling up in a ball.
The echoes of how it was and should be are hard to bear, Time , I have been told ,and all the effort you make on these marker days which will give good memories layer on top eventually to provide scar tissue.
Look at photos of your son's smiles in his birthday , of all the times you have made him smile since.
You are doing so well if you can keep aiming for those.
Good memories to make more gentle the bad.

Thanks so much for the comments, suggestions, and support. It means so much to not be alone.

Margaret, though our situations are somewhat reversed I felt compelled to respond. Tomorrow is my son's 3rd birthday, but he's the one that's no longer with us. He died 4.5 weeks later. Our first born. 3 days before the anniversary of his death, we welcomed our first rainbow, his sister, into the world. She will be 2 this August so we will celebrate her 2nd birthday again without her brother. We went through our son's first birthday while pregnant with his sister hoping we would have better luck the second time around (stating it like that greatly underscores our emotions at that time of course).

I'm so sorry your daughter isn't here to celebrate her older brother's birthdays and bring smiles to your face instead of tears. I hate that our kids won't grow up together, learning and laughing and fighting with their siblings. I've been very emotional this month and putting on a brave face for our girls (we had a second rainbow 3 months ago) is difficult. Your loss is even fresher. Any smiles you bring your little guy deserves applause on your part. Stumbling through your own grief is hard enough and I can only imagine going through that first year parenting a living child at that same time. You are making it. You are moving forward and loving your son and daughter the best you can. Hang in there. Thinking of you.