My daughter is my second child, born a year after my son died at birth. We have always talked to her about her brother Jack and had her help us celebrate his birthday.

She recently turned 2 and is an excellent talker. This week, as I dropped her off at daycare, she pointed down the hall at a little boy about 6 months younger than her (whose existence I usually try to ignore) and said cheerfully, "There's JACK!!"

Me: "Yeah, um, that's his name."

My daughter: "That's JACK! That's my BROTHER!!"

Two-year-olds have terrible reasoning skills. I told her that it wasn't her brother, they just had the same name, etc. and she still didn't get it, so I finally told her that it wasn't the "Real Jack." That seemed to make a little more sense to her, but I can't really tell her that in earshot of the other parents.

How awful is it that she thought that kid was her brother? Have other people had this problem with rainbow kids? It basically ruined my day.

Wow, what a rough way to start the day! We talk about Grace to my 2 year old and we have the book "My Baby Big Sister," which is decent, but really short. I would actually like to write a book just for my living girls about their sister, My Baby Big sister has a simple format I think that I could copy. I am not sure what I would have done in your situation, I guess maybe say that it is not our Jack, that our Jack is all around us, but we can't see him, like our love for each other, it is always there, but we can't ever see it. There is a great book (not at all about loss) called Wherever You Are, My Love will find You. It is about a parent's love for a child and how it is always there and the illustrations show that love as stars as the child has adventures. Maybe that would help explain a baby big brother, who is always there, but not...

That sounds lovely. Thank you! We are wondering whether we can find anything that is about an older brother, but it doesn't look like it. Maybe we should write one too!

I also came across "Someone Came Before You" and some of the reviews said it is religious. Is anyone familiar with this one? How religious is it?

Hi, when I read your post I thought- ouch .I know that pain too
Graces mum- lovely idea- a personal reference book for them .
Photos just for them .

I have a photo book with pictures i keep in its own special drawer-they can look at
On those own anything they like. And they do- repetition of their history seems to help.

My 5 yr old has "educated " my 2.5 yr old about
Their brother Henry.
When little stock phrases like .... And my brother Henry had a poorly heart
And he died didn't he ? And then I died? Did I mummy?
Pop up over breakfast it makes me mute.

I have no wise words I am afraid.
A friend takes her rainbows to the cemetery,
Someone told me about a dragon fly metaphor ( we are the bugs under water, dying is
Emerging glorious into the sky - but can't go back to tell the bugs underwater kind of
Thing) which is beautiful but not quite me ( I am mostly scientist with a sprinkling
Of hope - mostly desperation if I am honest)
Someone gave me " a kiss of an angel "-by Stacey o 'brown- not read it.

The book " when a baby dies" by SANDS ( still birth and neonatal death charity in the uk ) helped me most I think. But a tough read sometimes.

My counsellor said whatever I do will be ok - as long as I make sure
The children can talk about it, that they feel free to express confusion and sadness
- which it sounds like you are doing really well.

As long as the loss isn't an elephant in the room ( a hidden burden for them ) then what more
Can we do?

Just a heads up though- child care / when she starts school -people doing family trees projects in future - we didn't warn them before( not wanting to give her baggage )
and I WISH we had as it may have saved her some heartache at "not being believed".

(They were lovely afterwards, a teacher had lost a sibling apparently and had great empathy.)

Sounds like you are encouraging open expression wonderfully well. She is so young . She will grieve one day, when she understands what is lost.
Which will be another tough day we will all face.
Hoping you find something that suits you,
X

My little girl had just turnen two when here little sister miss s died and was borned silent.
Currently pregnant with our rainbow I've had to explain to here a number of times that it's an other baby than miss s that's in my belly now.
In the begining when we told big sister that I had a new baby growing inside of me, she had turner 2,5, she constantly asked when baby s was coming, telling that baby s could borrowed this and that. I had to explain it over and over again that it was a different baby than miss s.
Then she started to say "if the baby get to come home"

I don't know what's more heartwrecking, the fact that she things it's little miss s all over again, or the fact that she's not three yet and knows that not all babies get to go home.....


All I know is that it's hard to explain to toddelers, but we just have to keep telling them over and over again. They'll understand eventually.

S. endo-girl--That is so sad... "if the baby gets to come home." Poor little thing, and poor you for having to go through all of this.

Thanks JM, it's hard, no doubt about it.

I hope your little girl gets that not everyone named Jack is here brother.