I am struggling this week with being a mother, even though I should be beyond greatfull that I get to parent two children earth side, one in the stars and one in utero. I feel guilty that my oldest is struggling with being separated from me at the moment, I think she can feel the underlying tension in our house as we prepare to (hopefully) welcome our rainbow in 9 weeks time. I have made her walk this path, she had no choice in this, and I feel I don't have the mental energy to give to her. I only have space mentally to miss my son and get through these last weeks, trying hard to appreciate every moment of being pregnant. I don't actually feel as if I can parent four children, especially since I really don't know who I am at the moment, and who I will be after this baby arrives. Can anyone else relate to this?

My situation is a little bit different (but really, aren't all of ours?) I'm not currently pregnant, I have a two almost three year old son, and my daughter died at birth about six months ago; but.... the memories of my pregnancy with her are still fresh. I know that after 30ish weeks, I was pretty exhausted- not sleeping, peeing every five minutes all of that; I had not lost a baby at that time, so I can't add that into the mix, but stress was there. I was huge with her, and taking care of a 2.5 year old was exhausting- mentally and physically, and I didn't even have the grief or trauma to contend with yet! I can only image how that will go if I do get pregnant. So basically, my stress during my last pregnancy was nil, compared to what you are going through right now.

I remember crying a week before she was born because I wanted her out of me (I was 38 weeks or so). I hated that I couldn't be the parent I wanted to while pregnant; all of that is so very normal. Let’s just say, that I was not the smiling happy pregnant lady- which is a pretty big understatement. I remember a week or two before I had her, my son was sick and I was so huge that I couldn't fit him on my lap to comfort him, I had to kind of lay him across me, and he said in his two year old voice, "Mom, when is that baby getting out of your belly" He was so sick and sad, it broke my heart.

You are thankful for your babies, all of them, I can hear that in your post. I know just how thankful I am to have my son to hold, not having to have completely empty arms after she died. I am eternally grateful to have a sweet little spirit that makes me laugh, doesn't let me get depressed, but despite all of that, of course I lose patience with him! He's a kid, I'm a parent, and it’s inevitable. I was struggling with this a few weeks ago, and my therapist said, "hey, what do two year olds need- snuggling, playing, attention- and if you think for a minute you wouldn't be losing your patience with him if your daughter was born, you’re crazy." What does your daughter really need from you? Even if you can give her just the bare minimum, that's fine. Really, you are just trying to survive the next few weeks. You are not the first momma to feel this way, won't be the last.

Just have compassion for yourself and what you and your body are going through. If possible, have your partner/friend/grandparents take your daughter and play with her as much as possible so that she is getting the attention she needs. Yes, she needs attention from you, and depending on her age, is probably grieving right along with you, I'm sure. Maybe also talk to her about it (again depending on her age), or draw, or play (at the table- I remember how hard it is to get on the ground) and let her work it out with you. Like you said, she didn’t have any part in this and she is hurting too.

Here's the thing, you can parent four children, and you will. None of us probably ever thought we could survive the death of a child but we can and we do. If I've learned anything in the past six months, it’s that our capacity for doing what needs to be done is limitless- just don't beat up on yourself for not being what you want to be right now.

Hope my words of encouragement help- :)

Margaret, thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. Thank you for having faith in me to parent all of my children as best as I can. Thank you for reminding me to have compassion for myself, and to realise pregnancy is hard anyway even without the added emotions of baby loss.

I have often felt so guilty at feeling like I just want to get away from my kids sometimes! My therapist said something great to me, she said that no matter how tired you are or how hard it is to organise, make sure to do something for yourself EVERY week. Have dinner alone with your partner, go shopping, have coffee with friends, get a massage, ANYTHING that fills up your "emotional bucket". Doing things for yourself gives you emotional energy to give to other people, partner, friends, kids, family etc. Giving all the time drains you and leaves you emotionally empty with nothing to give so it's important to make time for yourself.

I'm sure you are doing a fabulous job mothering your babies but we all need down time to replenish the stores for more giving. xx

Hi Karen, I just wondered how you were doing?

Sally, thanks so much for asking, I am feeling better about the whole parenting thing. Just taking one day at a time, and trying to not be so hard on myself. I think a lot of it is hormones as well