It's been a long time since I've been here, never thought I would get to lurk in this special, parenting after loss section. I can still barely believe I am here. I am mothering my second daughter and she is nearly 7 months old. She is healthy and strong and everyone tells me I don't need to worry about her. But I really do. I cannot bare to check on her when she is sleeping at night in case I find her dead. When I look at pictures I imagine how it will be to look back on these after she dies - I manically try and capture every moment.

I have had lots of counselling and have come to term with my oldest daughters death, but this is getting worse, this fear, as I fall more and more in love with my beautiful girl, I fear her death that bit more.

Sometimes the fear is overwhelming, and other time I am fine. I wonder if it is just a phase, but I also wonder how you all cope? Any advice?

X

Freya's mom, I can so relate, wanting at least one picture every day in case she died. For me it got easier with time, although the one time she wandered away from me at a store I completely lost it (she was oblivious reading books near check out at Marshall's). My therapist talked with me about treatment for PTSD with EMDR when I was pregnant, but I was so busy after she came I never had it done. Maybe something to think about, since it is different than processing your grief. I am so glad that you are posting here and hope that you find some peace and only the "normal" amount of mommy worry.

Hi,
i understand the fear completely. The fear/anxiety can up and down but slowly i hope you will
start to relax a bit .
i took Sam to the doctors/ health visitors ALL the time to get reassurance he was healthy. it helped a bit.
on bad nights i just slept on the floor next to his cot , an Angelcare monitor helped too.
Not a relaxing nights sleep but i started to think that
1. i would trust my instincts if i was worried.
2. i wouldnt give a crap if people thought i was worrying/ over protective
3. i thought more, if i cant change the course of life , can i live with my choices?
I found that made me feel less neurotic- out - of - control , more like I made a choice about how to manage the fear.
Does that make sense?

I found that EMDR for the "Drag you back to how you felt at the time it happened " memories
Helped. I wasn't ready for it until 3 .5 years after H died though. Sam was 2 by then
It is hard going , so is any counselling really- but I think it has enabled the
Time past to account for some semblance of scar tissue ( til then all the "time heals "stuff-
Wasn't doing it for me.)
I think we will always be changed , different parents in someways . As long as we try to make them loving, treasured way ( wow mum there are hundreds of photos if me !!)
rather than in a smothering sad way.
All this is pretty hard let alone with a young baby's demands in you do please TRY to prioritise your sleep and needs at least once in a while. Try not to let the fear overwhelm you.
Sending love x

I don't know if I have much to add or say, and my situation is different since I have a 2.5 year old son and no rainbow yet. I lost my daughter 5 months ago, I'm still in the middle of it.

However, I've felt myself pulling back from connecting with him sometimes, maybe it's the fear that he'll leave me too or that I've found myself feeling resentful that he's alive and my daughter is dead. Loss and love are so intertwined. The fear of losing our child will never go away, just ebb and flow depending on the circumstances. It's just so real for us now.

I find myself, when he wakes up in the morning thinking, " oh how nice, your still alive." Or checking him in the night, thinking the same thing. Anyway one thing that helps me is to speak/write these things, no matter how shameful they feel, or embarrassing, or whatever. I cant let these feelings build. I need to make sure I'm emotionally connected to him. And sometimes I fail, sometimes the fear, saddness, anger, takes me over and I'm a shitty mom, whether im overly protective or disengaged. I try not to sugar coat what it would be like if my daughter lived, I'd be busy attending to a baby, he'd have to fend for himself. I'm just busy attending to my grief. And he's stuck with a cranky sad mom, where he would have had a cranky tired mom.

Before my daughter died, I know that the fear my son would die was there. I took pictures manically, worried that it was the last one even before my daughter died. It's normal, the only difference is that we KNOW the pain, it's not some abstract concept that we can deny. With my son the fears eased after a year and the risk of SIDS decreased. Of course that's changed since my daughter died. I'll let you know when/if that changes.

The think that helps me is mindfulness, working on staying present, meditating to train my brain to focus on the present. Also accepting that these feels are normal. Not to get all quotey, but one of my favorite saying goes, "an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal." That's from Victor Frankl, concentracation camp survivor. I think that we all need to know that what we feel is normal, distressing and uncomfortable... Yes, but completely sane given our histories.


I don't think I have ptsd, but if you do, by all means seek treatment. I am a trauma therapist, and therapy will help, it does work, I've seen people recover from horrific traumas. Sometimes it is necessary to go back to therapy as different life evens occur, the birth of your rainbow would definitely qualify.

I understand. I think all the time about M dying. I worry about it, thought it's not as often as before (she's 13 months now). I worry less about her suddenly dying in her sleep and more about her falling off of things and dying.

I think it's only natural. I tell myself it's normal. At least for us here.

My only addition to what others said is that Zoloft might help. I took it through M's pregnancy and after for a while and it really helped with the anxiety and feelings of panic. The psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which seemed pretty accurate--everything made me anxious.