Does anyone else feel that babyloss has cut thier living children out of thier 'community'? I read posts that advise babylost adults to cut out those who have been unkind and unsympathetic out of our 'circle' in an effort to concentrate on the good. However, family who were there to lend a hand with swimming or playdates or teaching my son to skate (we live in Canada) preloss now seem awkward, hard to get ahold of and perpetually busy. Busy...all winter. Loss is so lonely for a child expecting a playmate who never came home. To return to the 'only child' catagory without the supportive family and community seems to double the cruelty. Is this another facet of grieving that hinders your families' healing? What did you do to help fill your child(ren)'s need for bonding when your family or community weren't available?

Oh CM,

I'm so sorry that your 'community' can't seem to step outside of their own comfort zone to help you and your family during this time of loss. You are right, it's cruel and unfair. I lost my firstborn, so I can't offer you practical advice with respect to filling your kid(s) needs for bonding.. I wish I could help, I really do. I am so sad/hurt/angry for you that the 'playdate' family isn't able to continue to be there for your son. it does seem to be another facet of grieving that affects your 'new normal'. We have lost a lot of friends/family that we thought we could rely upon, but in the same token, we've gained new friends and forged bonds with extended family that we otherwise would not have had we not lost our Simone. The first year is the hardest on everyone.. I do hope that someone in your community surprises you and reaches out to lend a hand, a shoulder or a playdate. Someone to able to sit with your grief while you navigate you new normal.

Love and light to you cm. I wish I could offer you more than just words.

cm - I do understand what you're talking about. In some cases, there have been people avoiding our family, and our living son, C.T. (age 7), who lost his brother Zachary 14 months ago. Mostly, we've tried to shelter him from those relationships which seem frivolous or superficial, and focus on the few family and friends who are willing to continue to be there for him and us. That said, C.T. learned, very early on after Zachary died, that most people don't *really* want to talk to him about Zachary or his grief. So, I find that even with those "safe" families, he doesn't really seem able to open up. I think that's okay. He is a kid after all and there is plenty of opportunity for him to grieve at home with us. And I am so very thankful to my sister and a couple of friends (both with kids his age) who have really been there for C.T. (and us), but it is very sad to me that he feels vulnerable. I wish that he did not have to experience the brunt of society's intolerance of grief. I wish he had his brother.

I am sorry your son's experience has been so isolating. As a grieving parent, it is so difficult to get through the day..., and then to have to worry about coaching or coaxing others on how to be there for your son. It's pretty ridiculous.

I had a friend suggest animal therapy to me too. I haven't explored it, but she mentioned that some trauma patients (adults and kids) benefit from interaction with horses or dogs (maybe other animals?). It seems to make sense to me, but I also know these "programs" are probably hard to come by in most places.

Thanks sme and Gretchen. I have supportive friends who have been there with a hug or late night parking lot talks. It's the family members who haven't come through that suprizes me the most. I can rationalize how awkward it is to offer your time to help out in the old normal and then get the phone call from the new normal. Its trying not to show how much it hurts when I'm calling for a small boy holding his skates who doesn't know his skating day is held up by people too uncomfortable to deal with our normal. And on animal therapy, we have that here including a horse ranch that specializes in therapy for children. I don't think the situation is therapy so much as friendship. On the other hand when pregnant with the son we lost my standard response to congrats was "we thought about getting a dog, but you don't get a year off of work for a dog." i still don't want a dog. I want that wellspring of joy back. In the new normal its swimming lessons.

cm So sorry for what your little boy is going through right now. I didn't exactly experience the same as I had just moved to a new community (from Eastern Canada to the West Coast) prior to the death of my child, so we knew almost nobody. The few relationships we had were very superficial so I, myself, avoided them because it was too painful to tell my story to strangers. It was a very tough and crazy time. I remember freaking out and panicking while running away or hiding if I happened to come across someone who I had met me while pregnant. My living children didn't lose their friends because they had no friends, but they had each other. I changed playgroups. I remember planning a birthday to which nobody came.
You know we call babylost Moms Medusas. Losing a child changes everything in your life. As you said, it's your new normal. Life like you used to know is gone. But it's not like that forever. Slowly you will look and act more "normal" and people will become less scared.
My kids now have "normal" lives. The have friends, playmates, etc...However, I am still very lonely, and still haven't made any real friends, and it's been 3 years now. I think I have just changed too much to make friends easily, I can't chit-chat and do small talk anymore.
I truly believe next winter will be different for your son next year. Kids are a lot more resilient than we adults are. Sorry I have no advice. Your grief is still very raw, people around us want to fix you, to have your old happy silly self back.

Take care and I hope you find your own way to cope with your new normal.