I wish I could go back to the innocent of the world where babies don't die but we all know they do. I watch my rainbow sleep waiting for her chest to rise and fall , I listen for her breathing , I even put my phone to her face if I need light . I am trying to think positive but it's hard .

Just keep taking it one day at a time... do what you need to do to assuage your fears and assure yourself that she's all right. As the days pass, try to take comfort in each new day that arrives and she's awake and breathing. I found for me that as my rainbow passed each month milestone I was able to breath a little easier.. but the first year wasn't easy!! You aren't alone !!

I remember those days with Rosabella, where I would awake in a panic checking her breathing. As SME said it gets easier with time. I am not afraid that she is going to die every time she takes a nap. I have to say that with Eliana I am less afraid. I still check her breathing and I know that first nap away from my side will be hard, but I have more faith I guess now. Try to get some rest too! Exhausted Mama is no good. Have you considered an Angel Care or Snuza to monitor her while you get some rest too?

Snuza snuza snuza! Saved my sanity those first 9 months. xxx

Yes, as much as the Snuzas caused us consternation in the later months with false alarms and an inability to psychologically let them go (talked about that here on Glow), they were an absolute god send in the early months when SIDS was a higher risk. If we hadn't had the Snuzas, I think that we would never have slept. As it was, we were sleeping very little. I strongly recommend getting one. Get the Hero. Its about $90 on Amazon. You'll want to also get an extra battery. :-)

Your feelings are completely normal, Jenny. I actually think most parents have trouble with this....its just greatly heightened for babyloss parents.

Yes, Snuza helped me a lot. But then you are not supposed to use them in cars and I had to pull over sometimes while driving alone with my rainbow just to make sure he was still alive. The first 6 months were tough. I remember googling SIDS statistics every single month.
I never talked about that to people in real life because they would have thought I was crazy...It gets better...but then it doesn't. If my kids are late coming back home from a playdate I freak out, go into panic mode and imagine the worst. But you just learn to live with this fear, it our normal.