hi my friends,
I have not written here in 6 months, since my daughter Casey was born alive and well. I love her, she is wonderful, but I am still very actively grieving Jamie, who died in utero at 24 weeks. I had always wanted 3 children of my own (I have a 9 year old step-son). I now have 2 living daughters, and Jamie. I really want another baby, desperately. My husband is done. All my friends and family tell me I should be done. I know I should be done. Here's the list of why I should be done:
I'm 38 now. I have no tubes and would need to do IVF again. heart defects run in families and our next baby could have the same defect that Jamie had. intra-uterine growth retardation recurs about 20% of the time and the next baby could have IUGR like Casey had. We are getting old, and maybe it's not fair to a baby to have old parents. We want to have time for ourselves as a couple before we're 70!
But I am not done. I am not done. I want another baby so badly it is all-consuming, and robbing me of my ability to fully enjoy my girls now.
Is this just grief? What will become of me? Anyone else in this position?

Hi Irene, oh how I can so relate to this! I want another one so badly too. Our first born was stillborn at 31 weeks and we have since had two more children. Our youngest is 6 months old now and I am so in love with her. She is growing so fast and I miss her babiness already. My husband is done as well. He wants to get a vasectomy. My MFM tried to convince me to get my tubes tied but I couldn't do it. I thought that I would be done now that we have a boy and a girl and we had always said we wanted two children, but I want another so bad it hurts. I shouldn't either due to so many medical complications with pregnancy. I've nearly died twice now and I have lost a child. I know it is irrational but telling myself that doesn't help.

I'm not sure I can offer you any advise or help, but I can say you are certainly not alone in this. I'm hoping I can convince my husband in due time, but I'm probably dreaming. I am really afraid that apart from an "accident", there will be no more babies for me. That devastates me. I feel your pain. Maybe it is grief, or maybe it is just that never ending yearning to put a body in that empty chair at the family table. I don't know. It sucks! Big hugs to you.

Hi Irene, I totally relate and just posted my own question which is a variation of yours... My DH is similarly ambivalent about another and will come up to me and say, "right now, I'm 75-25" or "right now I'm 50-50." It's hard! I think in some ways, since in our minds, these potential babies are kind of real, deciding not to have them is a different kind of loss, but a loss nonetheless. I just get so sad at the thought that I will never be pregnant again, never hold a newborn of my own again, etc. I just don't feel done. Sending you the best, I wish I could offer more than understanding...