This is my first post on glow in the woods, though I read this board a lot when we first lost our daughter. We had a totally unexpected stillbirth at 35 weeks with my second daughter last October. When we found out (in the hospital) one of the first things that occurred to me was how was I going to explain this to my older daughter. She was turning 3 and she was so so so so incredibly excited about her baby sister. Not in the typical way, but in a completely obsessive way. She nurses her stuffed animals, every conversation was about her baby sister. It literally consumed her, much in the same way it consumed me as a pregnant person.

So of course it was hard to tell her the news, but we had a lot of grandparent support and she seemed to be doing okay. She even says "i miss my baby sister a little tiny bit, but I'm okay."

When she turned 2, so before I got pregnant, she started to be a total daddy's girl and when we found out I was pregnant, my husband started to take on almost all the caretaking duties. That is totally fine with me b/c I thought it would help with the second child jealousy stuff.

When our baby died, I wasn't sure how to approach my oldest daughter b/c I had kind of mentally (and physically) prepared to focus on the baby and I had to try to rekindle my relationship with her. We worked on it and she got used to there not being a baby, but the she really started to push me away, occasionally hit me and then constantly yell for my husband. She literally wants nothing to do with me. Again, we kind of chalked this up to typical "daddy's girl" behavior, but today as I was smothering her at school when I went to pick her up, she smacked me in the face.

She's done this before, but for whatever reason, the look in her face was different. And it hit me.... I think she hates me. I think she blames me for losing the baby.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I think I'm right. My husband asked her why she hit me and she said it was because she wanted to make me sad.

What do I do with this? I cried (for the first time in a while) because it makes me feel like I've lost two kids. I don't want there to be this huge gulf in between us, but when she pushes me away (and sometimes hits me), it makes me pull away. I've tried ignoring her, but its human nature.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Idealist--I don't have any advice, I don't have living children but this is so hard. I'm so sorry. I hope someone can help. Thinking of you.

Idealist - I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I have had some very similar experiences. My daughter was 3 when her sister was stillborn and it was a terrible trauma for her as well as for us. One thing her daycare teachers told us was that sometimes for preschoolers, they seem to be doing quite well shortly after the death and and then a few months down the road, there is a lot of extreme behaviour. They don't have the communication skills to explain their emotions and they act out in different ways. About six months after her sister's death, E got really, really aggressive. She would smack me and try to bite me and a few times she scratched me really hard. One time I wanted to see what would happen and I just let her scratch me and she scratched at my forearm until it was bleeding. I'd actually forgotten about that (more like blocked it out!) until I read your message (our daughter died in January 2012) and then it all came back to me. That kid was seriously angry and she took it all out on me and I did think she hated me, but I now am sure that wasn't true. I have seen how deeply these little tiny people grieve and worry and stress and they just do not have the capacity to express or manage those emotions. We are their safest space and they take it out on us. Also, I think they are very scared of losing us, too, and although it seems counterintuitive they sometimes lash out at us - I suppose it is similar to how they sometimes try to get our attention by doing something naughty. I think, too, that they sense us withdraw from them into our grief and they fight against it. All this to say: you are definitely not alone and I really don't think she hates you, though I definitely know how it feels to feel she does.

One thing I read about in a book about children's grief that worked well for us was to make a 'mad bag.' Do it with her and explain it while you're doing it - that you are putting things in the bag that she can use when she is really angry to help her feel better. We put a pillow to hit, some old magazines to tear up, some paper and crayons to draw with, a stuffy to snuggle, this squishy toy that she could squeeze like crazy (basically strangle!). The book I read that suggested this explained that this helps children express their anger in safe and healthy ways - they know they are allowed to be angry but can't hit family, etc. Sometimes, once we'd made it, just saying, 'should we get the mad bag out' would diffuse the temper.

I remember feeling ashamed. My daughter was such a sweet toddler and she still was sweet and she loved her sister and missed her and talked about her so emotionally and beautifully and then she'd turn into this raging, screaming...monster...and I thought I'd ruined her by letting her sister die. I was so ashamed of ruining her and so ashamed of even thinking that she was ruined. It feels horrible to write it out even now, and part of me didn't want to, but I hate to think of you feeling this way. Parenting a toddler in the terrible depths of grief is so, so hard. I am sending you a really, really big hug and so much virtual support.

It is frightfully easy to interpret every three year old behavior as a reflection on oneself as his or her parent. Nothing you have written makes me seriously think your child hates you. She's three. Three year olds are little monsters. Seriously, they can be so mean. My daughter has done everything you have listed (and more my god she is a handful) and I don't have any suspicion that she hates me.

Losing a baby is so hard. It is just soul wrecking and it makes you question everything. Everything you did while pregnant and everything you've done since. I wonder, and I hope this comes out as gently as I am intending, if perhaps you are reflecting your own feelings of guilt (not that you have anything to feel guilty about but I think that is a pretty common emotion amongst the bereaved) upon your daughter. I honestly do not think three year olds are capable of assigning blame in the context of something so complex. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to see a therapist who you can speak to about these feelings. Maybe he or she can give you some insight as to whether or not your daughter's behaviors are really anything to be concerned about or are typical for a three year old trying to cope with a sad change in her life.

Be gentle on yourself mama.

Idealist,
I'm sorry for everything you're goung through. I had written a super long post and the computer ate it, so I'm going to keep it short.
Brianna is right, 3-year-olds are "awful". They test boundaries. They try to divide and rule (i.e. take the place of the parent of the same sex.) She gives you her worst behaviour because you're her safe haven. The "look" you saw in her eyes was probably the thrill she felt when she realized she has a newly found power: she realized she can control your emotions, make you sad, upset or angry. Especially since you're grieving, she's realized that you're more vulnerable. You should try as much as possible to keep a straight face. Kids do what works. If she sees that her behaviour gets her consequences but has no power over you, in time she will stop...and probably move on.
Good luck and strength to you. Remember this too shall pass, it is normal, as evil as it may seem, and it is not your fault.

Idealist, your post is heartbreaking. I as well have a young living daughter who was 3 when her brother, Max, was stillborn. I'm happy that JLD commented as she had a very similar situation and understands as well as I do that sibling grief is almost as hard as the loss itself. I frequently find myself saying that losing Max was the hardest thing I've ever faced. Parenting his sister E, afterwards, was the second hardest. My therapist calls living siblings the "forgotten mourners", and I think that's true. It's such a difficult situation. I agree with the other commenters that it seems like your daughter is sharing her grief with you - it's just in really ugly ways. Grief is ugly. Children's grief is really ugly. The fact that you think she hates you probably indicates that she's processing her grief - which is a good thing. It just sucks that it's mostly aimed at you. My daughter did the same. My partner & I had to be united in how we dealt with it though. It ripped my heart in two when E would say she'd rather do something with him bc she was mad at me. DH would just comment "you're mad that your brother died" or "you just want to let mama rest" or whatever. Honestly, with every negative interaction I would quietly remind myself "she's processing her grief through me. This is good." It's fucked up, for sure. But so is babyloss. I felt like such a failure. Read some of my previous posts on this board and you'll see how much I screwed up. But, slowly but surely we figured out how to deal with our family grief in positive ways, so I'm hopeful your family will too. This is too awful of a situation for anyone. Keep posting as much as you need. We'll be here. You can do this, mama. Sending love & strength your way...

Oh, I totally forgot to also add that this is 1000x times harder with 3yo because honestly, they can be awful even under the best situations without babyloss (just as other commenters have said). If you've heard of comedian Lewis CK you've heard his "3 year olds are assholes" routine. Hilarious. So you're now faced with questioning every negative behavior in light of grief. I found it really useful to talk to my therapist about my daughter- I even brought her to meet her just for additional support. Much love to you...