I am sitting here shedding tears about a baby that I will never have. One that has not even been conceived. Never will be. I had my tubes tied at the c-section birth of our rainbow baby. I thought I'd be ok with that.

I always wanted two kids. Now I have three, a daughter and son, and their sister who died, my missing middle child. We were crazy lucky to steal our rainbow baby from my deficient womb, against all odds. We had agreed. If we manage to bring him home safely, we're done. I always conceived easily, keeping the babies alive has been my problem: Two late first term, and a late second term loss.

I am turning 41 soon. I can not put myself through another high risk pregnancy. The odds for another loss would be overwhelmingly high, as the doctors kept warning me. I can not put myself through another loss. I'd lose my mind.

My OB was visibly relieved when I signed the froms to have my tubes tied. The odds for complications affecting my own health seriously in another pregnancy would be high, too. I can not do this to my living kids as a responsible parent. They need me.

We can not afford another baby financially. We have job worries, small kids and a mortgage on our backs. The situation is very clear. Right?

I didn't see this coming. I thought that I would be beyond grateful with a rainbow baby, and that I would not spare a thought on tempting my reproductive fate ever again. But here I am, crying hot tears for another little girl that I long for so desperately. Three kids to hold and kiss and hug. A living sister for my daughter. I regret that I had my tubes tied, even though I know that trying for another baby is not.an.option. Am I greedy? Crazy?

You are not greedy, nor crazy. Many mothers go through this, even those who have not experienced loss. Be kind to yourself. Finality is often difficult for us mortal beings to process.

Oh Cee - I have no perspective on this, but I feel your pain! I'm so sorry!

Thank you for your replies. And if I had ten children, there would probably akways be that longing to fill the gap that our second daughter left behind, somehow, with someone, and it never would.

I re-read my post and thought it might have sounded like I am not grateful for the kids that I have with me. Oh, how I am. I stare at them in disbelief sometimes, and ask myself how we could get so lucky to have them. I just wish I could have another one.

Wow, I could have written your post. I feel the same way. I have two living children and one we lost. I too can conceive but have trouble keeping them alive. I am extremely high risk and am very lucky to have the two we do have. My doc tried to get me to agree to a tubal ligation but I just couldn't. Mainly out of fear of losing our last daughter. With that being said, I should not attempt another pregnancy. But, I want another so bad it hurts. I'm not even sure why. I don't enjoy pregnancy and we have two beautiful children. So, I feel your pain. Im not sure if its because I will always be longing to fill the gap our first child has left or if its just watching my youngest grow and knowing I will never get to experience those out grown stages again. It is such a hard place. Lost babies are so hard and it complicates everything. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am right here with you in this struggle of longing for something more. Hugs.

I can relate to so much of this. I just had our third baby (second after my son's death). She is a beautiful healthy baby and we adore her. I am glad she is here and that she is who she is but my heart yearns for a son. Still. We lost their brother at 29 weeks and I had two miscarriages between baby 2 and 3. I'm 35. We are not in the place financially to have another baby. It would be stupid, stupid, stupid. But the heart wants what the heart wants. It is so hard to make the hard choice, even when you know it is likely the best one.

I can relate perfectly to this. I was in the chair to have the essure done when the doctor decided they wouldn't do it and sent me home. I was relieved they sent me home without doing it but I should have wanted it done. Logically I wanted it done. We were in no position for our third child (he passed away at 6 mo. pregnant) and we aren't in a position now to have another child. BUT I want a baby. My body aches for one. It's like I need one. However, when I really sit down and think about the situation I am left wondering...... Do I really want a new baby or do I just want my Kolt? I'm not sure a new baby would take that feeling away for me. I still don't know and I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I don't think you are crazy at all, I often have the same feelings. My living children are much older (20 and 14). I lost my youngest daughter Bella 13 months ago at full term due to an umbilical cord accident. She was not planned, I was 39 and my husband was 46 at the time, but she was a wonderful surprise. I know how risky it can be at my age to be pregnant and I probably would never conceive naturally at this point anyway. It just makes me so sad to think this is how it ends. I know I can never replace my baby girl but what I wouldn't give to fill some of this emptiness..

I am in the middle of my 2nd rainbow pregnancy after loosing our first, a son, when he was 5.5 weeks old. Ever since then I have this underlying feeling like I want 20 kids. I feel like I just want to keep having them and having them until I'm surrounded by little smiling faces and we would most likely have several boys running around. I KNOW I don't want 20 kids, or even 5. We couldn't afford it and I think having that many would make me crazy. I want to keep some kind of life outside of being a mother. I want to have some semblance of the career I was on track for before our son died. But even being pregnant with number 3, a second girl, I have it in the back of my mind that maybe we'll go for a 4th, a potential 3rd living child. Maybe we'll try for a boy, or maybe I just want to have more kids surrounding me to ease the pain of my grief. And although I"m not high risk and I'm only 34, the pelvic pain I've had the last 2 pregnancies has kept me from being very active. I miss being active. I don't look forward to getting in shape AGAIN after delivering, but of course it's all worth if if they come home healthy. So, I understand your pain though we are in different boats. I may be young enough to have more, and it may not be physically terrible for me to get pregnant again, but even if we do go for #4, I feel like I won't ever loose that bit of desire to keep having more. I think we'll always long for what we lost and what we can't have no matter how irrational it may be. I'm sorry you're hurting.