My daughter is almost 8 months old this Christmas and I'm having a rough time missing my supposed to be 1 1/2 year old. I often find myself near tears holding my rainbow and thinking about Melanie. How do you deal? Should I show her my grief? Should I hold it back till she is older? How do I tell her about Melanie, her older sister she has never seen? How do I explain the extra toys underneath the tree or the pink box in our room with her name on it? Maybe I am getting ahead of myself but I just feel like I need a game plan to know how to show our love for Melanie so as to honor her and not scare Caroline or make her feel less cherished if that makes sense. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Dear MellyBelly,

In the short term, the one who will teach you the most about how to grieve when you are with your rainbow is . . . .Caroline, your rainbow girl. If you cry or get still and silent when holding her, does she settle down or get upset? What can she handle? This will change, time and again. As for introducing her to your grief and to the loss of her sister, that will depend on your family culture. Do you make things an occasion, such as each anniversary, or are you quieter, talking and grieving mostly in private? These are things she will learn as she grows up. These are things that will change in your home as her personality adds to your family culture.

Each child will be different. If you have more children, your response to each may be different. Teaching children about loss and death and disappointment and tragedy is an ongoing process. You are still learning, yourself, how to handle it. In the long run, that is the lesson you are teaching - that tragedy can happen and that life goes on. That despite the horrible loss and pain, we cope. We still live and love and grow and have joy. It is a hard lesson to live and hard lesson to teach. Knowing that life goes on with love, however, may be the best and finest thing you ever teach Caroline.

On a lighter note, the ultimate thing is that you raise her to be as happy and healthy, as self-assured and loved as possible. So that when she is grown up, she can pay for her own therapist to fix all your mistakes! :-)

Wishing you some moments of peace and joy this season - Jill A.

Jill,
Your replies have soothed my nerves and given me a sense of calm. I think I have it in my head that losing her has to be the hardest thing and terrible, and it is, but there is so much more to her story than just her dying. I have only realized this since reading your replies. Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom, it has meant a lot to me and helped me considerably in my grief journey.
Brooke

Jill A., your response is so helpful and wise. I have certainly found that how we talk about death and grieving in our family changes all the time. It was different for us than for you, MellyBelly, because we had a living child when our second daughter, Anja, was born and we just had to talk about it - there was no thinking about how to do it - we responded to our daughter's questions and worries, stumbled a lot, said things we wished we hadn't, went over the same ground over and over, saw her move through phases of anger, fear, magical thinking, intense love, everything - and we still do it all now, three years later. It changes and changes and changes and in a strange way it begins to feel natural, normal - or normal for us, at least. And beautiful, too. I love the way E talks about her sister. That said, we had a baby boy born after Anja, and that feels so different. I have wondered like you MellyBelly how to tell him about the sister who came before. I know that because he will grow up with a sister who talks about the gone-sister regularly, I will again be following their leads, so I suppose my situation is still different. But I loved reading Jill A.'s words because they highlight the way that this is such an ongoing process, and how there is no right way to do it, how it depends on your family culture, how you will find a way that feels as right as it can for your little family, and how for children, learning about death, about love and grief is not all bad...there is compassion in that learning, and the potential for so much empathy. I know you will find a way that works for your family, and missteps along the way are to expected: there's no manual for this (I say to myself all the time). At times, I have succumbed to feeling like I am doing it all wrong, like I do birthdays wrong, and don't celebrate her properly, don't include her prominently at every point, etc., but I have realized, as Jill A., says, it depends on family culture - there is no right way; there is only your way. Sending a big hug: this is a hard, hard road to travel.

I often find myself telling our boys about their sister. I speculate with them about what she would look like, Would she look like a cross between them. Based on their appearances as newborns, I think so. I talk about her with them very casually. Its not in a grief stricken manner or even a sad manner. Its not that I don't miss her. I do. But, my grief is no longer all consuming and I haven't had a time with them yet where I've had those feelings. Still...I find myself talking about her with them and I wonder if I will stop when I start to recognize that they understand. It is hard enough to talk about death with a small child. I worry that talking about the death of their sister, who was a baby, will be terrifying for them. So, there will need to be another way to frame it. We have her photo in our living room. Certainly, she will always been a part of our lives and conversation. But...I'm still not sure what that will mean for our boys or how we will integrate them all.

I so appreciate MellyBelly sharing on this and for everyone's comments on it. Its something I think about a lot. Much light and peace to all of you and to all of your littles.

I have always talked to Rosabella about her big sister Grace. She is just a part of our lives, and maybe that will be weird or hard for Rosabella as she gets older, but it is a part of her history and family and we will help her deal with it. Christmas time is always really hard for me and Rosabella has seen me sobbing more than a few times. She just toddles over and hugs me or gives me a toy. I wish that I could hide my sadness from her better, but I love that my little girl has empathy and love for her grieving mamma.

What do you tell her about where her sister is, Grace's Mom? Just not here? I tell the boys about their sister sometimes but I never say where she is, just that they have a sister and "this is her ornament", etc. They are so little that right now they don't understand anything, but I want it to not be odd going forward. I just want her to be an integrated part of our family. Since I don't believe in an after life, etc., I can't really explain to them that she's in heaven or anything like that.. I guess we'll figure it out as we go.

Thank you for posting this MellyBelly;
I too have been struggling this Christmas. I have a similar post in "for one and all" titled "too much".
Abbygail is 11 months old and deserves a Christmas but I am feeling a lot like Cindy-lou in the Grinch trying to find Christmas. Janice would be 5 this Christmas and I often wonder what would be on her list and what she would be doing. We lost Janice on Boxing Day so this time of year is extremely hard for me.
I found myself feeling bad because Abby was being fussy (probably a tooth coming in) and I just got to a point and put her in her crib. I felt like I was overwhelmed between my grief of the season and her fussing just put me over the edge. I did what I felt I had to without causing harm or injury to either of us but still felt like I punished Abby for my feeling sad and tired and stressed.
I bought Janice presents for Christmas. I have a page for Janice in Abbygail's baby scrapbook. I don't plan on hiding her from Abbygail. If she asks I plan on telling her she has a sister in heaven. We aren't religious church goers but that doesn't mean I don't believe there is a place to go when we die and in my heart I believe we will be together again if not in heaven then in the next life.
Sorry this isn't very leanier response.