I witnessed my 2 year old daughter getting picked on by a 7 year old at daycare yesterday and it completely devastated me. I cried myself to sleep last night and I've cried most of the day. It finally occurred to me that I am so upset because my son Kolt was stillborn.

I know these things might not seem connected but I couldn't get to my daughter quick enough to protect her. I couldn't protect my son. I couldn't save either of them. I get that a 7 year old pushing my daughter down is no where near the same as my son dying but in that moment it took me back to that place of helplessness and then it wasn't just about her it was about him. Everything goes back to him. How do you get through this? How do you let the babies that didn't die go? How do you trust that it will be ok?

I know I am rambling but I didn't know any other place to vent this out.

Dear Kayla, I'm so sorry. Sorry for your son's death, for your pain and for the whole mess. Yes, I think you are right, everything goes back to that loss and that is so hard. I'm 20+ years out from my daughter's death and it still hurts.

What I tell you here is only my experience, you'll find your own way to live and to love. I eventually realized that in each instance that upset or worried me, the first thing I had to identify is where the life or death was in the occasion, if it was close or farfetched. (It's always real, just sometimes more real than other times.) Then decide if the risk is necessary. Because often it is, for one reason or another.

So your daughter being pushed at daycare would be reasoned like this for me: Does she need to be there? Yes, to survive she has to have food, clothing, and shelter. Can I protect her while she is there? Not from everything. Should she be protected from everything? (And this is where it gets shaky, for me.) No, she should not. (Breathe, Kayla) To be a strong and independent person, she needs to learn to deal with hurt, disappointment, pain and failure. (Breathe again.) Is this situation, my two year old being pushed at daycare, dangerous enough to take action? Yes - what action. No - why not.

This is how, more or less, I would break things down for myself when dealing with my other children. Is the risk worth the gain? That gets into your needs, your values, your priorities. For me, some of the decision where about swimming, overnight stays, football, horseback riding, and on and on to driving, going away to college, etc.

I do not think you are silly at all to be upset by this. It's hard, I know, to feel so out of control of your emotions and fears. But the fear is so real and you got hit with such an unexpected tragedy that not trusting yourself or your decisions is normal and natural. Slow down, break the situation down into parts and steps and face the fears with the desires you have for your daughter. Then it may be easier to find your balance.

Sending you love and peace, Jill A.

Jill I found your response very insightful. I have a lot of anxiety about accidents and illnesses that could happen to my living children, this thought flow chart of sorts is a tool I'm going to try.
Kayla, I'm so sorry for your struggle with this. Hugs to you as you navigate it.