Hi All,

I know I haven't been on here in ages and I haven't even been on the parenting after loss thread, but here I am with William David, 2 months old after our daughter Jane died in January 2012. It was a long road to get William here and he entered the world in very dramatic fashion 6 weeks early with an ambulance ride and an emergency c-section (due to placenta previa and my placenta abrupting).

He spent 12 days in the NICU and has been generally healthy since with the exception of crazy diaper rash that wouldn't go away and being anemic which needed a hospital admission and blood transfusion. With all of that, I have taken pride in my ability to nurse him and bottle feed him breastmilk and was happy with my oversupply. He gained weight steadily and well...up until 2 weeks ago...

My brother passed away suddenly at the young age of (almost) 35. We are still reeling in disbelief--I know that we all know that feeling too well. We had to pack up and fly out to Colorado where he lived and begin our grief and arrangements, etc. William was a champ and totally went with the flow. My production was still good. It was once we got back home to Chicago that all the sudden my milk supply seemed to dwindle. When pumping I get half the amount that I used to and William was fussy after nursing, which I originally chalked up to his age, growth spurt, being a baby, anything. But when we took him for his 2 month he hadn't gained even an ounce in a week and I realized that he really wasn't getting enough food. So here I am pumping like crazy to try to keep up with bottles, so we know exactly how much he is getting. Sadly, I'm not sure how much longer I can "keep up" and am reluctantly going to buy some formula from Whole Foods. With so much grief and so much stress and anxiety I'm letting this contribute and feel like my body and I are failing William. I have the mom-guilt which I've heard so much about and am feeling to the fullest extent...

I know formula isn't necesarily bad, right? It's just not as good as breastmilk. And I've never been one to judge others who formula feed at all--like really at all, but for me I feel like it's the end of the world. I've been trying so hard to give this little guy everything he needs and I know that he needs food whether that be from my boob or not. Has anyone else struggled with this?

I was formula fed and I turned out relatively ok ;)
I need some reassurance
Xoxox

Hi there. The most important thing is that William is getting 1) enough milk (or formula) and 2) that he continues to grow - I guess they go hand in hand. I appreciate being able to nurse my son, but when I returned to work (a one hour train commute from my home), I had difficulty finding enough time in the day to pump enough for his increasing demand. I had to supplement a bit of formula here and there..., but there was nothing better than knowing he had a full belly and was growing. Don't feel bad for one minute about adding in some formula.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother's death, which I bet is related to your lack of milk production.

correction - that is "appreciated"! My living son is now 6 years old.

Oh honey! I'm so so sorry to hear about your brother. I will be sending you and your family much energy and strength. Also - how terrifying with William's birth! Oh my goodness. I can't believe how crazy his birth was and I'm so grateful to hear that he is here with you and getting the chance to thrive.

Our boys spent a week in Special Care, so I understand a bit of the NICU and how scary things are/were. Susannah tried to breast feed, but with the C-section, general low supply and a few other things (including the fact that our immature little guys didn't want to latch), she ended up having to let it go fairly early on. She pumped for 10 weeks and would get about 8 oz a day. That 8 oz toward the end ended up in our freezer because we learned the boys are dairy sensitive. Anyway...that's all to say that our boys have been on formula since the first week (they had donated breast milk in the hospital for awhile). They have THRIVED. Of course, it would be better if we could give them breast milk, but our most important goal was/is that they be healthy and grow. They had so many tummy troubles at first so they are on Enfamil's fancy 3/4 of the way processed formula called Nutramigen. Earth's Best makes a good "green" formula. Otherwise, our lactation consultant highly recommended the Gerber Good Start Gentle as the formula that is the "closest" to breast milk and a good transition for breast feeding babies.

We went through a LOT of the parenting guilt about breastfeeding. S especially struggled. As a midwife, it was terribly hard for her to let go of something that she believed in whole heartedly and teaches her patients about. For you, at least right now you are only having to supplement. You are still getting William lots and lots of breast milk. You are just giving him some extra calories while you go through an extraordinarily difficult time of grief and stress. Give yourself a break, Mama . You're doing really great considering the circumstances.

Our boys are not terribly far apart in age (and our daughters were delivered around the same time). If you ever want to chat by email, feel free to grab me on FB (connected through your foundation) or email at carrieglow at yahoo. (btw, it sounds like William's diaper rash was more severe than Rhys's, but we have a very very funny picture of Rhys in the NICU completely naked with his butt in the air under the warmer (all 4.5 lbs of him). He needed to be dried out for a couple of days because he had a reaction to the diapers. He's done great since then, but we're really careful about using Aquaphor every day and not putting anything else on him.

much love and peace to you and DH.

http://time.com/9917/sibling-study-shows-little-difference-between-breast-and-bottle-feeding/

Hi bwell I'm not in your parenting after loss shoes yet but I am so sorry for your loss and now this additional stress about feeding. Shit you could seriously do without as you grieve no doubt.

I read an article on breastfeeding v formula last week that was so reassuring about formula but cant find it now. (maybe on xojane) Anyway this time article refs the same research - there is little difference - as you said you are the living proof of it. Hope you are doing ok. X

Dear BWell,

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. 35 is awfully young... heartbreaking. It's so unfair all that your family has been through in the last couple of years.

Congratulations on William's arrival!! So glad he's safely home with you. But goodness - what a scary delivery!!! We lost Stefan due to a placental abruption and my heart always skips a beat when I hear those two word. I am so, so happy and relieved that William was OK!!

As for breastfeeding... please, please relax!! Supplementing with formula is perfectly fine and as everyone else said - the most important thing is that he gets enough food and grows. He'll be fine. And I know you love him beyond measure - there is no way you're "failing" him. Also - he's had your milk for two months already, AND he'll continue to get it together with the formula... So he'll still get your antibodies and all the rest of the good stuff. Just a couple of thoughts/suggestions - 1. my milk supply has tended to vary (not sure why), so it may come back up for you too. 2. i think that babies are much better at getting milk out of the breast than pumps, so if I were you I would let him nurse for as long as he wants, rather than pump and feed him bottles (even with the uncertainty of how much he's getting). 3. again, if it were me, I would let him nurse and only after he's done offer him a bottle of formul - that way he'll stimulate your flow AND get all the food he needs. But most importantly, and as hard as it is... try not to stress about it.

Thinking of you and sending love to your whole family.
xo

I had such a hard time breast feeding at the beginning. Trying to relax was so important for me and sooooo hard to do. I found some great breast feeding meditations online to help relax (especially with pumping), also I took fenugreek, ate tons of oatmeal and drank mother's milk tea. We had to supplement with formula for a few weeks early on, and then again towards the end (11 months) when I just did not have enough time to pump at work and my supply took a nose dive. In the beginning I would breast feed and then offer an ounce of formula, that way I got plenty of stimulation to maintain my supply and she got extra calories. There are so many good formulas out there and plenty of kids who grew up on formula. The hardest thing for me was thinking that once I offered formula it would end our breast feeding, which is so untrue.

I am also so sorry to hear about your brother. I wish you and your family peace as you try and deal with this new loss.

BWell,

First, congratulations on the arrival of William David! I'm sorry you had to have the NICU experience; that sucks, to put it mildly. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your brother. It astounds me how randomly unfair the universe can be, heaping hardship on top of hardship. I know it sounds like a platitude, but please be gentle with yourself during this time of fresh grief.

As far as breastfeeding and supplementing with formula, I just want to second what the moms above have said: it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. Our story is a bit different because Tikva had to be fed by NG tube for more than two months after birth, so I was exclusively pumping. I had a massive difficulty establishing my milk supply and like others have said, it made me feel like I failed on yet one more thing, and I was freaking that I couldn't provide my baby with the healthiest option. On several occassions we had to supplement with high energy formula to ensure (even modest) weight gain. I placed SO much negative emphasis on that, and I think I (incorrectly) imagined that adding formula would mean an end to breastfeeding altogether. It wasn't. Ultimately, what helped for me was just accepting that the formula was necessary to get Tikva (and me) to a place where we could focus again on breastfeeding...'acceptance' is easier said than done, I know...But once I did, it made it easier to not to stress, which in turn made it easier to get my milk coming again.

Like Mira, my milk supply varied and sometimes I had to work harder than others. Fenugreek helped a ton. Oats too. Also, I know it's controversial, but in the UK where Tikva was born (and where standards are different) several of our docs recommended the occassional beer, which really encourages high cal milk supply.

Hang in there mama and know that adding some formula now doesn't have to be a slippery slope to weaning off breast milk. For almost three months, Tikva had to be exclusively tube-fed and I was struggling with milk supply as I pumped. Much of that time, we added formula as well. Now, at nearly seven months, she is exclusively breastfed and nurses like a champ. The most important thing (the only important thing) is that William gets what he needs, and there are various ways for that to happen. You'll figure out the balance and eventual solution that works best for you guys. In the meantime, be gentle and patient with yourself and don't sweat the small stuff - believe me, adding some formula is definitely the small stuff!

Thinking of you all as you deal with this fresh grief.

BWell,

I am so sorry for the unexpected loss of your brother. My heart goes out to you, DH and your parents. It's just unbelievable to me how unfair life is! I am so very, very sorry. I wish there was something more I could say or do to make this situation easier on you.

As for the breastfeeding guilt issue:

I can relate, though my situation was a bit different. I never had a good milk supply even with drinking tons of water, having an occasional beer, drinking Mother's milk tea (herbal supplement) or tincture. Alexandra wasn't gaining weight like she needed to and my pediatrician said we needed to supplement with formula. I was CRUSHED. I went through the range of emotions (guilt, despair, anger) and did a TON of research on the formula to feed Alexandra. Some of the major brands utilize a hexane solvent to extract the DHA or ARA in their formula (even if the label indicates they are organic). Eventually, I was able to move past those emotions and look to the positive :

1. It gave my boobs (read: nipples) a break.
2. Dad was able to take care of some of the feedings, giving me some much needed down time (and gave them some bonding time). Can you say nice, hot, LONG shower??
3. I could have a glass of wine (or 2) without feeling guilty, or pumping and dumping.
4. Baby girl got the nutrition she needed to thrive.

Alexandra is still on combo nursing/ breastfeeding now (though we have started the weaning process now that she is a year old). I've been really happy with her progress and so have the doctors.

Not that I'm pushing any one kind of formula, but I was a bit of a nut doing research on them and figure it might be helpful to someone here.

Here is a link to the websites I used to help decide on which formula I felt comfortable using:

http://www.cornucopia.org/2013/06/replacing-mother-infant-formula-report/
http://foodbabe.com/2013/05/28/how-to-find-the-safest-organic-infant-formula/

I ended up using Nature's One Toddler formula as it was made it the USA and is 95% organic doesn't utilize hexane (and also resolved the brown rice syrup arsenic issue from 2011- if you read that report on organic formulas).

I was not raised on formula. I was raised on skim milk. I like to think I'm relatively normal. :)

Sending you a huge, supportive hug.

All the best to you,

Thank you all SO much for your responses. I was really in a tailspin. I bought some formula, Baby's Only Toddler (SME, I think that's the same one, right?). I haven't used it yet, but it makes me feel better knowing it's there. I've been taking Fenugreek and drinking loads of water along with some oatmeal. I've had to dip into my freezer just once for about 75ml (and I have a ton more in there)--I'm still bound and determined on being able to produce enough fresh, so I can prolong the frozen for when I really need it. I've been mostly pumping and then doing a few sessions a day with him nursing. We go in for his weight check tomorrow, so keeping fingers crossed. We do know that he's been getting at least 600-700ml (20-23oz) by bottle a day (that excludes what he gets on breast), which for a baby his size is great.

Now that I've reached out and gotten such wonderful support, it makes me more sorry that I haven't been on here more often recently--I miss you ladies!

xoxox

You have gotten great advice so far, so i just want to add that lots of the supposed "extra" benefits of breast milk, beyond just the nutrition (like antibodies and such) will get concentrated into however much milk you produce. It's very possible to do formula and breast milk (nursing once or twice a day, or however much you want to or can) for a long time, so don't think it has to be all one or the other. Good luck!

BWell- Yes, it's the Baby's Only Toddler Formula.

Good luck!! xoxo

Bwell I am so terribly sorry for your brothers loss. There are no words and it's just added grief on top of loosing Jane. I also agree the stress and grief are killing your milk supply but by no means is it your fault or something you can "fix." If extra pumping for a week or so doesn't start to get it going again (or whatever the lactation consultants claim should be enough) then do what you can and try to let go of the guilt. With our rainbow, Elise, I had great supply in the beginning. Then from her 2-4 month appt she didn't gain enough weight. I was pumping and freezing as well to prepare for going back to work when she was 4.5 months old. I was pumping 4x a day at one point and only getting 4oz!! That was on top of fully breastfeeding her. I look back and realize how much pressure I was putting on myself when I was barely sleeping. She has never been a good sleeper and putting her down for naps was awful. I'd send my husband messages each nap freaking out bc she only wanted to sleep on me, not let me put her down, for soooooo long. That was all a year or so out from loosing our son, who I pumped over a liter a day for while he was in the NICU, so the grief and expectation didn't help matters. Pumping around a screaming baby wasn't helpful either! When I realized she wasn't gaining enough weight I felt terrible. And no wonder she didn't want to sleep through the night, she was hungry!! We started with Baby's Only because I'd read a lot about different formulas and felt this had the best ingredients. It gave her diareah though, she was having blow-outs constantly!!! So we switched to the whole foods brand and that's what we stuck with since we wanted organic. I think around 5 months she was getting 1/2 and 1/2 and by 7 months I was drying up completely. My body did what it did and I realized I couldn't blame myself. She was pudgy again so I had to be happy about that. Initially feeding her powder every day all day was weird, but she thrived like others have said. And I'm like you, I never judged others for using formula. I was just set on breastfeeding and had thought I'd never have any problems after how well it went while our son was alive.

Sorry for being long-winded but I want you to know you are not alone, though our circumstances are all different. Again, I'm so so sorry for the loss of your brother. I wish there was more I could say or do for you.

Hi bewell, I just wanted to chime in as well. You are doing a wonderful job with all the stress you've had to deal with. I'm so sorry for both your losses. I'm also sorry for the traumatic birth experience and NICU stay. I can relate to you almost exactly on that. I too had complete placenta previa with my daughter. She is now almost 11 weeks old. She was born on September 1 via emergency c section due to a massive bleed. I lost 2 liters of blood and surgery took over 2 hours. I'd had 2 bleeds previously so luckily I'd gotten the steroid injections to help mature her lungs. She was 33 weeks exactly and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. I had 2 blood transfusions and a total iron infusion after the birth. It took me about 4 weeks to be able to fully breast feed her. She also had to be supplemented with iron and vitamin d. To make matters worse, I developed a massive infection 3 weeks post and was on 5 different anti biotics, one was IV. Needless to say, my body was not happy to produce much milk for the baby. Try not to feel guilty, I know its hard not to do. There are a few things you can try:
1. Fenugreek three times daily
2. Lactation cookies. There are some great recipes if you google it. I found them tasty and easy to freeze.
3. Breast pads that you can warm to help stimulate milk let down. I think Avent brand makes them and you can get them at the pharmacy.
4. Motillium (domperidone). It is a prescription drug that helps with digestion but has a side effect of causing lactation. I'm in Australia and they regularly prescribe this to women who are breast feeding. It may not be something they do in the US though. You can ask I guess
5. And exactly what you are doing. Supplementing. I have a friend who produces 3 litres a day ( I know! Crazy. She's like a jersey cow) and she gives me what she doesn't need. Piper gets 100mls a day via bottle. It helps. Piper also had formula in the NICU.

I hope this helps. I know how difficult the birth you had and how hard a NICU stay is. I can only imagine that dealing with grief on top of grief makes things so much harder. Just remember you are doing the best you can and that is great.