My living daughter struck up a conversation about her stillborn sister yesterday. Unprompted and out of the blue, she asked me if women have stillborn babies because their other children would not leave them alone and bothered them. WTF??? Is that what she thinks?? Did I make her feel this way?? I was on bedrest for a while before E died. She got told off a few times to go easy on me, to not jump on my belly, etc.. Does she still remember? She was 2 then, and it's been two years since. I am worried sick that she had been thinking this all along. Of course I tried to reassure her as good as I could straight away. But how do I know what else she keeps bottled up? She keeps a lot to herself, it is hard to get her talking sometimes. Any advice?

B,
My daughter kate was 4 when her sister died. Last year at the age of 8 she asked me if I thought her sister died because of something she did inutero when I was pregnant with her 4 years prior. I was shocked she came up with this idea. And that she sat on in for 4 years. She asked if kicking me "really hard" might have damaged me in a way that caused premature labour for the next baby.
It's a tough conversation to have, convincing their little innocent brains of no wrong doing. Our explanations feel insufficient.
All we can do is reassure our kids that they did not have any impact on the outcome, and stay connected in hopes that if they come up with any other ideas that we will know about it to try to intervene.
Hang in there. The guilt is awful.

B, so heartbreaking that both of your daughters aren't here and that your eldest daughter feels this way. I think kids process death sometimes very similar to us adults. Especially if your daughter is a deep thinker. I'm waiting for the same thing to happen to me, as I have a deep thinker that understands on many levels that her brother died, but isn't emotional about it at all. Just like we have guilt, it makes sense that our living children can have guilt too as it's part of grief. The only advice is just to keep reinforcing that she is not in any way responsible. Big hugs, parenting living children and ones that aren't with us is so hard.

Diana and Karen,

thank you.. this is so hard. My own grief is hard enough to bear, but to see her confused and sad brakes my heart just as much. She is a deep thinker for sure. Some of the questions she comes up with .. like you say, guess we will have to be alert, and always tfor her to talk and reassure. And Karen, yes, I didn't think of it this way, that guilt will be part of her grief too. I wish I could spare her this. Thank you, again..

B, I have a daughter who was three when her brother was born still. I've posted here before about how she has suffered. It is such an awful burden placed on the living siblings; not by us but just life in general. My therapist just attended a conference where they referred to the siblings as "the forgotten mourners." I'll share whatever resources she gives me when I see her next.

In terms of your initial question, I'm afraid I have no magical insight. Diana & Karen offered very sound advice and comfort. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. Much love to you as you parent a living and dead child while grieving yourself; the suckfest trifecta?

Carole, thank you. It would be great if you could share some resources! It is new to me to feel so lost. I have always felt pretty confident about knowing where she is at and what she needs. I guess she gets older, her personality, needs and worries more complex. On the weekend, she asked me if E is a skeleton now. She learned all about them at Halloween. Ugh. The thought haunts me since.