Hello beautiful moms and dads, My question is regarding bonding with rainbow baby after loss. Has anyone struggled with this? Does anyone have advice or information on how to cope with feeling disconnected from a much longed for rainbow baby? Links to resources welcome, including anything on post natal depression in pregnancy after loss mums. Thank you x

I can't say I had a hard time connecting with our rainbow, but thought I'd mention some postpartum symptoms I had as they freaked me out and so you know that everything is not always sunshine and "rainbows" after a rainbow is born. I can't remember how old our daughter was, maybe sometime in the first month after she was born, but I had some very disturbing dreams and images during the day go through my head. I have never admitted this to anyone but my therapist, but wanted to post in case it helps you or others. I stayed anonymous to post this though, because it is still hard to admit.

I had 2 repeated dreams, one where I shot our rainbow in the head and one where I flushed her down the toilet. Even writing that is hard. According to my therapist it's very common to have imagery or dreams that can be violent toward your baby after giving birth. It can be part of all the hormonal changes going on, just like postpartum depression. As long as you are not feeling compelled to act in this manner it's okay of course. When I really delved into these dreams/images, there was a very real feeling that I was saving her. I felt like she was going to end up being sick like her brother and I didn't want her to suffer like him. Again, I was not feeling like I should do these things, but in my half-asleep delusional state of constantly breastfeeding a newborn, this is where my brain went several times. Even if there's not an underlying reason, my therapist said again, these kinds of dreams/images are very normal, and occur in many women who have never experienced anything traumatic like the loss of a previous child. They went away w/in 3 months, though it could have been even sooner than that. I really can't remember.

So, although I felt very connected to our daughter and bonded well from the beginning, I had some very real, very strange and scary postpartum issues. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Can you go see someone that specializes in grief and/or postpartum depression if you aren't already? I'm sure there are great resources out there, I just don't know of any. Good luck to you and I hope you can begin to find your way to bonding with your rainbow.

I think I struggled to bond with my rainbow and it was so hard at the time but looking back I just didn't cut myself any slack despite recovering from a c section after being on bedrest for so long I'd lost a fair bit of muscle strength.

Emotionally I craved time alone to grieve my first son but the reality of a newborn is that they want to be held!

Lots of new mums struggle with bonding, fear, pnd and all sorts of other things - being a blm makes it lots harder again.

Cut yourself some slack and try to look after yourself too, I have a great bond with my rainbow but it took a long time before I could see it.

Hello Northern Lights,

Sorry for the late reply, but I thought I might chime in.
Congratulations on the safe arrival of your rainbow.
I found the arrival of my rainbow extremely stressful. I lost my first baby so I really wasn't fully aware of exactly what I lost until my rainbow was here. If that makes sense. I remember at the end of many, many days during bath time, when my day had finally slowed down, thinking That I never got to bathe my Andrej, I never got to see him smile or laugh or any other number of beautiful things that come with raising a child.
It was extremely difficult. On top of that that fear of losing my rainbow was paralysing at times. I was obsessed with cleanliness and toxins. Everywhere I went there were diseases and dangers. All of these things made it so hard to bond with him. But it didn't stop me from loving him. I could not help that part even if I tried.
Slowly with time I relaxed. The fear is still here. He turned two last month. And he is so much mama's boy that it is exhausting at times. So I guess he bonded with me despite my reservations.
So before I write a whole novel, I guess my advise to you would be to allow your heart to love this new baby fully. Try not to allow that fear to deprive you of enjoying your baby. Give your love to your child unconditionally and the bonding part should come as children in most cases can't help but bond with their mamas. Take the lead from your baby. It may take time but the bond will come as your love grows to the extant you never thought possible.
But mostly give yourself a break and just breathe.

I did not immediately "bond" with my son the way I did with my older two. I was most immediately concerned about his physical survival. I didn't even want to hold him right after he was born, because I was afraid it would be dangerous for him. I didn't feel strong enough to support his head. In the first few months, I mainly attended to his physical needs, with brief moments of joy. Now that he is seven months old, I feel like the part of me that can love has started to bloom again. Even my oldest... I pulled back from her and the other people in my life that I love for a time. I think it just takes time. Even without a history of traumatic loss, people bond at different speeds and in different ways. Trust that you love your baby, because you do, even if it doesn't look like the storybook picture.

What wonderful women and wonderful advise. I have know idea and know advise as I'm not in that situation. I really want to have another baby yet so soon after loosing my beautiful boy. I too I'm sure will experience these things I'm sure it's all normal after going through so much.
I have a question for mothers who have had a baby after loss how long did you wait and how did you know you were ready? My husband and I both feel the same we just want another already I feel a little guilty for feeling this way but I'm sure it's a normal feeling. I mean we were so ready to be parent's and we were robbed from it.
X

It took me a few weeks to really bond with my rainbow. I was so stressed and terrified of her dying or me doing something that might hurt her I didn't have room for bonding. Give yourself time and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. It will come.