Hi Everyone,

Our subsequent daughter was born Wednesday. Background: our son, Peregrine, was born still in January 2013 at 39 weeks.
I am Jewish and we are having a naming ceremony (often called a Brit Bat or Simchat Bat) in a couple weeks for our new daughter. I have been trying to think of ways to acknowledge Peregrine at the ceremony and have not gotten far: light a candle? have his photo there? Say something, or have the rabbi do so? Of course, we will talk to our rabbi, but I thought some of you might have ideas, regardless of your religion.
thanks.

Juliet, I just read the pregnancy thread and was so excited to see of the safe arrival of Sequoia Miriam. I love the name! Peregrine is lucky to have a beautiful sister. No ideas jump exactly to mind, but I wonder how siblings are normally incorporated into the ritual? It sounds like you are comfortable enough with your Rabbi to ask? I like the idea of a candle, and definitely saying Peregrine's name. What about reading "thoughts from a sibling" or something like that? Else, I'm sure you will do what comes to your amazingly mama-centric mind ;) Much love and peace to you in the days ahead...

Welcome to Sequoia! How wonderful. I'm so glad she's here and am so so happy for you all! I wonder if your Rabbi would be open to doing a private naming ceremony for Peregrine after Sequoia's group one? Since he never had a bris, you didn't get to do that with him, right? I guess it would depend on how progressive the Rabbi is. Did Peregrine get a Hebrew name? I suggest the separate time alone so that it doesn't take away from Sequoia's special time. During that, I agree that a candle would be nice and an inclusion in Peregrine as a part of Sequoia's family. Would it be appropriate for the group to say Kaddish at some point - for anyone being remembered, including Peregrine? I know that some Jewish traditions teach that Kaddish is not appropriate for a stillbirth but that isn't my point of view. When I say Kaddish, I am always thinking of Alice. Anyway...food for thought. I'm sure you'll find something appropriate and wonderful that honors both of your children.

This is not the same thing at all, but when Anne and I became godparents to our younger niece 4 months after Joseph died, we asked the pastor to acknowledge our motherhood somehow. I think she said "As mothers…" when naming us godparents. Could there be some acknowledgment that you were a mother before Sequoia? Is that even a part of a naming ceremony?

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, Mamas!
Carole, I'm not sure how siblings are usually involved -- it varies, I'm sure, but I imagine it's something to make them feels special. But it's probably participatory. Is "thoughts from a sibling" a specific reading you know of? I tried looking it up and of course got all over the place.

Carrie, That's an interesting idea about the private naming. Our rabbi would be open to it, I'm sure. We had a memorial and burial for him and then a year later had an unveiling. I will think about the naming. Peregrine's Hebrew name, like Sequoia's (and mine), is his middle name, which is Elan. And yes, we also say kaddish for Peregrine. Not sure about at the naming. This is good food for thought (and I didn't know you were Jewish).

Burning Eye, I like that idea. One thing that's been bugging me so much is how people keep referring to Sequoia as our first child. We did the birth plan thing you suggested, which worked in L&D but they don't read it in postpartum, so I had to assert it during shift changes and once had a difficult near-argument with a nurse! I wished I had the sign on the door like we've discussed. And then my bro-in-law kept going on to his kids about how this is their first cousin on our side of the family (first in time, not in family tree).

One thing we're thinking about now is having his photo there, as we definitely plan to have photos of Sequoia's two namesakes there (my cousin and her dad's grandmother). And it's feeling more right to have a candle too, just a question of when to light it. Otherwise, I hope to talk to the rabbi (who is also my boss and we're close) this week and get his ideas.
Oh, one other atypical thing we're doing is acknowledging all the professionals who have helped us get to this point - hospital staff, therapist, acupuncturist, the list is long. And we're inviting many of those people to come (and some are) to be honored.

Sounds like you have some good ideas forming. I'm so glad. As to my religious/cultural status, ummm its complicated. I am ABD as I call it (playing on the concept of "All But Dissertation"). That is, I am "all but beit din". I went through an extensive process to convert in the conservative movement several years ago (after stops and starts elsewhere for many years before). As I approached the time that the Rabbi was to release me to the Beit Din and mikvah, I had a very long chat with myself and backed out. The truth is that I didn't know if I believed in G-d and I wasn't certain that, if I did, it was the G-d of Sinai. I've come lots of laps around since then (this was over 10 years ago). I still practice many Jewish traditions and celebrate holidays. Susannah and I have also talked about attending a local progressive synagogue. But... I'm still not sure about conversion. It feels disingenuous to convert to Judaism if I do not believe in the G-d of Sinai, even though I know that the Reform tradition might not require that of me (depending on the Rabbi). We'll see... anyway...that's more information than you wanted to know. I haven't said Kaddish privately for Alice in a very long time but when I am at a service, it is Alice I think of while reciting. I hope the ceremony goes well. I'm sure whatever you decide to do for both your children will be beautiful.

In 2012 we had a simchat bat for my Julia Zahara and will be having one for Daphne Lilah on the 21st of this month. What we did at Julia's, which I plan on doing at Daphne's, is to play a song at the very end that is a song my husband and I associate with Shoshanna, our first daughter who died. In the program we created, we listed the song title with a short paragraph explaining its significance to us and how we hope that Shoshanna helps us to grow as a family.

If you wanted to say Kaddish of some kind but not the actual Kaddish, Marcia Falk has a beautiful poem called Kaddish: Beauty of the World on her new book:

The Days Between: Blessings, Poems, and Directions of the Heart for the Jewish High Holiday Season (HBI Series on Jewish Women) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611686059/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Rs3cub0XGKRC3

Welcome, Sequoia Miriam! Thinking of your Peregrine Elan. Xo

Oh- and one more thing- I wore a ruby necklace that I bought after Shoshanna died. People would compliment me on it, and then it was my chance to mention her name.

Sapphira, wow- Zahara was one of our top names! We almost added it as a second Hebrew name. Thanks for the ideas.

Carrie, I have always thought it strange that we ask converts to believe in god but not those of us born into it. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope that you end up in the right place for you.

We will talk to the rabbi this week and I'll let you know what we come up with. Meanwhile more ideas welcome.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your thoughts and support. We had a beautiful naming with a sweet and poignant moment for Peregrine: the rabbi acknowledged his loss and we sang a song that we sang at his memorial and unveiling that is about the continuation of nature. My husband and I were sitting in front of everyone and it felt strange to cry while basically on stage, but it was also the right acknowledgment and I found the face of another babyloss mom in the crowd and just kind of watched her (also crying) and focused on Sequoia too.
Thanks again.

I'm glad to hear this. Mazal tov! Thinking of your whole family.

Oh Juliet, thank you for sharing this beautiful moment with us. I'm honored to know how Peregrine was remembered. Much love to you, mama...