Don't get me wrong I love my sweet Rainbow Abbygail, but some days I find she also reminds me of my sweet angel Janice. Janice died at 3 and had severe spina bifida so had some different firsts but a lot of the same firsts as well. I find my self missing her and wishing she was here experiencing the firsts as her sister hits those milestones. I grief that Abbygail will never know the special bond of having an older sister. I wonder how Janice and Abbygail would get along. And I feel that I am having more late nights like shortly after Janice passed away.

How do you raise an only child that isn't really an only child?
How do you tell a little girl that she has a big sister that she can't see and will never meet?
Do the reminders ever stop bringing tears?
Does the pain ever subside and let the joys that I should be feeling with Abbygail take over?
I feel like a bad parent for not being able to be happy all the time. I feel like I am less of a parent because I can't have the happy pictures of my TWO little girls together.
Did having your rainbows help after your losses?

My first died at 32 weeks, so it is different that Janice... but for me my rainbow has helped me so much. I have gotten to experience raising a baby, not just carrying one. Not a day goes by that I wish her sister were not here with us too, but I can't imagine how much harder everything would be without Rosabella.

Our son, Griffin, died when he was 5.5 weeks old. Looking back, I feel like the longer he was with us the worse the pain of loosing him would have been. Loosing any child is devastating as well all know. I think loosing your 3 year old daughter, who was very much a part of your everyday life, is probably even harder than the loss of our son as a baby. I'm not trying to compare grief, so much as offer my perspective on why you may be struggling so much even with your rainbow. I also don't know how long it's been since Janice died.

I'm 2 years out from loosing Griff. We had our rainbow a year after he died, so she's almost 1. There were many times I held her and just cried, sobbing, wanting to scream because I remember holding G in a similar way and feeling him struggle to breath. I also didn't get to hold G most of the time because it was difficult with all of the tubes and wires attached to him as he got sicker.

I miss Griffin terribly, but Elise, or rainbow has helped. I don't know how I would have moved forward without the hope of her in my belly or now being able to look forward to her smiling face and baby/toddler antics every day. She has brought us so much joy which really sits right alongside our grief. It's made the grief more tolerable for my husband and I. Everyone is so different though, and there's no right way to feel. I don't think the joy will ever take over. I don't think it can. I think the grief will lessen somewhat over time, but it will never be gone. Never. Our children meant to much to us to ever get over their loss completely.

But you aren't a bad parent. You don't have to be happy and feeling "lucky" to have Abbygail every minute of every day. All you can be is honest with yourself and let yourself be authentic in each moment. Appreciate what you have when you can, but mourn what you don't when you need to.

My baby was stillborn and horrific as it was I cannot fathom how awful to lose a 3 year old. My rainbow dd has brought me huge joy and I'm so grateful to have her. I can only imagine that you will always mourn the loss of your sweet daughter who has been taken from you, and also, mourn the health and happiness she could not have while she lived. I have no words of advice on how to thread such a difficult path, only to say I think it is totally normal to have such conflicting emotions and in time as your younger daughter grows up and learns more about her dear sister, that it will become part of the fabric of your family life and the pain less raw. Just hugs xxx