Do you? Will you in the future? Are you scared to? Scared you'll start crying or that you'll be the black cloud over someone else's happy day? Because that's how I feel. There's bound to be people I don't know and yet I would only consider going to one of my very close friends. Friends that were supportive through our time with Griffin and our dismal existence for so long after. Friends that reached out but had no expectations. Friends that sent their love in ways that were never asked for... But I swore after Griffin died I would never go to another baby shower again. It's like celebrating before you win the game, or drinking champagne before your boyfriend proposes. A very good friend is finally pregnant with twins. These will be their only babies. I am thrilled for her, and secretly so scared too. So, do any of you go to or plan to go to baby showers now?

Jessica, I'm worried this post won't get at many views here as it would on the "for one and all" board. You should feel free to repost this there? Regardless, I'll answer here. I don't plan on attending baby showers, although I have sent gifts. IMO, a good friend would understand why. If they don't, that's on them. We've been through too much to put ourselves through that...

Hi Carole,

I guess I posted here because I have a rainbow who's turning a year old in a few weeks. Our friends will celebrate with us and part of me wants to celebrate with this friend who's having twins because the've been so supportive of us. I feel differently about it now than I did before Elise was born and we got to be like "everyone else." Now I know how wonderful having a baby can be, but again, baby showers feel premature to me. I never even considered going to a baby shower until now, 2 years after our son died. I feel like on the "For One and All" there's so many people with raw, gaping wounds, new to their grief and new to this site, that it didn't feel right to post this there. I wouldn't have wanted to read about baby showers of anyone's when I first came here.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts though. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for considering going, but I'm also aware that part of me feels like I might be ok with going...

Oh, gotcha. Yes, that makes sense. That's so very sensitive of you. Baby showers are probably the one thing I can't do. I've held babies & even threw an adoption party for friends in the 5 months since Max died. But somehow showers seem taboo for me. Who knows. Maybe I don't want to be seen as the "Scarlett lady"? Sending much love your way...

I haven't been to one, (other than mine for Rosabella), but honestly I do not hang out with the most reproductive set. I always loved buying baby gifts, although I found the showers pretty dull. I would likely send a gift and not attend. Although for a close friend, I can understand wanting to be there for them.

Thanks Grace's mom. Yeah I can't say i "want" to attend a shower for the activities and small-talk that seems inevitable. It's only because it's a close friend. I have bought baby gifts online and sent them since many of our friends had their first right around the time Elise was born. Everyone was very aware that I wasn't ready to attend showers then, but now I just don't know.

And Carole, I actually feel rather dumb and insensitive now because when I wrote this post I was thinking of all the moms I was on the pregnancy board with a year ago for our rainbows when this page had originally been made. I had tunnel vision. It's obviously not only for those moms who have had a rainbow but still want to connect with baby loss moms, but also was created for those of you that have older sibling(s) and suffered a loss. I guess i think of it as a place to talk about our living children that may be a little safer than the "For One and All." However, you are still so close to your loss of Max and I'm so sorry. I would imagine baby showers are quite far from your mind. I think the advice and support on your post just before this one are tremendous. I wish you lots of love and comfort.

Jessica, you don't have to be sorry at all. You are absolutely the sweetest for being concerned. I imagine this board actually was made for the discussion of rainbow babies (of which I hope to have someday), but it seems to have morphed into parenting of any living child (which I know is also highly sensitive to anyone who does not have a living child). I read all of the posts knowing that there is a high likelihood of discussion of a rainbow baby. I would NEVER want anyone to censor their post, particularly on Glow. You take care of yourself, sensitive mama...

Hi Jessica,

I really don't think there's a right or wrong answer... You should go if you feel ready for it and bow out if you don't. Hopefully your friends would understand if a baby shower is still too tough for you. As for being a dark cloud - I wouldn't worry about that. Your friends invited you because they love you and want to share their joy with you. If they only saw you for the tragedy that you've lived through, they probably would have disappeared from your life a long time ago.

I've only been to one baby shower since Stefan passed away. It was 6 months later and for my closest friend. She has been there for me every step of the way so swallowing my tears for her was worth the effort. But, I totally hear you - even before Stefan I thought baby showers were a bit pre-mature. I never wanted one, with either babies, because I'm slightly superstitious about it. But then again... why not celebrate a baby who is already so loved? If they lived - great, if they died - at least you got to share them in some way with family and friends... Anyways, I digress.

This past weekend, friends of ours announced their pregnancy while we were at the beach together. Lots of pregnancy talk, and I was actually OK with it. More than OK - excited for them. A couple of years ago, it would have been hard to imagine that. But things change, we change, our grief changes. So I just go with the flow and take things as they come, including any future baby showers.

xoxo

I've been to several and done a lot of post-partum support for people around me. I even hosted a mother blessing in my house just after the week that was the one year anniversary of my daughter's life. (My youngest child was at that point just about a month old.) I might be crazy! For some reason I needed not to be shut out from the world of happy pregnant women and babies. Or I needed to be a constant reminder of what can happen, of how things can go wrong, of the need to be cautious.

Part of me felt angry hosting. I had volunteered because the person who was supposed to host was very pregnant and feeling overwhelmed. Then the date changed. I thought about backing out. I knew people would understand if I couldn't because it was my week to just feel like shit. But I wanted so much to do something nice for my friend, because she was the only person who consistently asked me about my daughter during that first horrible year. Everyone else was too afraid to, but she let me talk about my daughter as much as I wanted.

My daughter;s birthday is the hardest day for me, the day of all my regrets. But the day of her death came and passed and I remembered how full of love it was to be with her, and how much peace I felt in being present with her at her death, how grateful I was to cradle her in love. And then surprisingly it felt good to me to do something good for others, it was good to laugh and love the people around me. And for me all this love strangely coexists with my fear, my hate, my anger, my hope and all the mess that it is.

One way my daughter changed me is that she made me more honest. There's no bullshit now. No doing things because it's "nice." You don't have to do what you can't. Be honest and brave with yourself. I mean, be honest of what you can withstand, and be brave, and have faith in your ability to love.

Oh, I don't want to make it sound like there werent' many things that I have taken myself out of, because I have. Many, many things.

I went to my first shower a year after our son Griffin died. In fact, it was exactly one year and 4 days. The shower was not only for a baby boy, but my friend had registered for the exact same bedding and items I had decorated our nursery with (navy blue nautical theme- she hadn't seen our nursery). Luckily it was a luncheon shower and we were seated at round tables, so I didn't have to face my friend the whole time she opened her presents, and everyone continued quiet conversations as she opened gifts. I kept reminding myself that I could excuse myself at any time. Luckily it went a lot better than I was expecting. I felt a lot like I did right before Griffin's first birthday- the anxiety of facing the first was worse than the actual day. Don't get me wrong, I still felt angry & I still felt the knot in my throat. I'm hosting a friend's shower this weekend (baby girl). The girl showers are a lot easier for me than the boy showers. I have also participated in meal registries for friends- brining a meal after they come home from the hospital. I held a friend's baby boy (someone who has been very supportive of me). However, she texted me the picture after I left her house.. I immediately broke down in tears.. I have pictures of Griffin, but I don't have pictures of myself holding him- at the time I didn't want those pictures. I didn't want to remember what my most painful day looked like. It is my biggest regret. I was included on another meal registry for someone who had their second baby. This is a more distant friend, and she has not been someone who has checked in.. I don't even think she sent us a card or called.. Before losing Griffin I would be one of the first to sign up to help, send a card, etc.. Now I think, "have they been there for me? Don't they realize that we buried our son??" I hate feeling this way!

I haven't attended any showers since my son died. I do feel
I would cast a dark cloud as my son died at 6 months old
Of SIDS. I am everyone's worst nightmare-in the flesh, reminding them that sometimes you don't get your happy ending. I loathed receiving gifts for my rainbow
Too. It felt like people assumed that I was happy again bc I was
Having another baby, meanwhile not for one second did I believe it would work out for us. It did, and our rainbow is 5 months old.
But I do not think I can attend a shower anymore-especially for a baby boy. It stabs me in the heart even to hear someone is having a boy since my only son was stolen. Sorry for the ramble but just go with your heart. Your responsibility is self preservation, and whatever you have to do to survive.

Mira, I really appreciated your perspective. And yes, I have felt that excitement for friends as well. Sometimes then I sort of freak out because I imagine that happiness stolen from my friends just like it was from us, and other times I just tell myself it's ok to feel the joy. And you are right, the babies are so loved already, but of course no one is thinking they are celebrating for the baby now even if they won't be here in the future.

Jenny, your words were beautiful and I totally agree on the "no bullshit now." I think it's my fear of what might happen that led me to post this and see what you ladies do in terms of showers, or meals, or anything baby related I guess, esp. before the baby is here.

Jennifer, I would say you are very brave to go to that shower for the mom who registered for the same nursery stuff a year after your Griffin died. I'm glad to hear it went better than you expected. I also agree things for girls have been much easier. I haven't gone to any showers but 5 friends gave birth to girls in the first 1.5yrs after my Griffin died. My rainbow is also a girl. I didn't realize how good the difference would be for me until someone offered a girly car seat cover to us and I actually got excited, that having a girl after loosing our son was somewhat helpful if anything could be. However, I want to raise a son soooo badly now because I had imagined so much with him. I still don't really think about the future with Elise. I LOVE the day to day but have thought very little of her older. I pictured Griffin so many times at different ages so I think it's a protective mechanism I've subconsciously created. Seeing 1 local friend with her son out of the 6 that have had babies, was really hard. I avoided really talking to her or looking at pictures on FB, whereas the girl babies I loved seeing all the time. So yes, I understand how the gender makes a difference.

Julie, my heart ached for you reading your post. It's not the same, and none of our stories ever are, but our son died when he was 5.5 weeks old. After he was born he went to the NICU and we just assumed he needed a little help and then all would be good. We became everyone's nightmare in a different way, as he just kept getting sicker and sicker and for the longest time (at least what seemed like forever) no one could explain why any of it was happening and none of the drugs were really helping him. So yeah, I feel like a reminder of how no matter how great the pregnancy, no matter how beautiful and healthy the baby looks, he can still die. And I struggle with baby boys too, like I said above. A friend sent me pictures of her new nephews and just the fact that they were boys had me sobbing, and this was ~1.5yrs after our son passed. The 2 year anniversary of his passing is at the end of this month. My friend with twins, who I considering attending the shower for, is having 2 boys. I'm just so torn, but also realize I can only do what feel right for me at that given moment.

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts.

It's been 2 plus years for me. I haven't gone to one yet. I don't see it happening any time soon. And I'm ok with that. Perhaps some day I will feel differently.

With everyone's comments it's seems everyone feels the same so your not alone. Don't be to hard on yourself for not attending maybe just decide on the day with how your feeling whether you can put on a brave face or not. It all seems we've lost boy's. I too lost my little boy and Jessica I feel the same with raising a boy. Whilst your pregnant you have an image in your head of how your life will be raising a son. It's only very fresh for me loosing my son only just over 2 weeks ago. I feel comfort finding this site I just wanted to talk to other women who have lost a baby and even more want to chat to women who have lost their first child and gone on to have another. I also wanted some comfort in knowing it's not wrong to feel like I need another baby. It's never going to take all the pain away in loosing a baby that looked so healthy but passed away but the role of being a mother can still happen.