It's been awhile since I've posted. Delirious with sleep deprivation mixed with grief. Our rainbow is coming up on almost 5 months old-still not sleeping well. If you don't know me, I lost my son Wilhelm (nickname baby bug) to SIDS when he was 6 months old. It's hard to describe the anxiety I feel when Addison sleeps. I still wake in a panic sometimes wondering if I will find her dead. But I check and there she is sleeping, sighing, this beautiful perfect baby just like her brother was. In fact, she looks exactly like him. Which is comforting and heartbreaking all at once.
Anyway, what I wanted to share is that one of our favorite memories of our Bug was shortly before he died. Myself, our daughter Whitney, and Bug were in the tub together. He had become super interested in toys at that point and picked up a small yellow boat out of the water. Whitney (3.5 yrs at the time) tried to grab it from him-and he would not let go! Whitney is a very strong personality and my husband and I were so happy that he could already be a formidable foe at only 6 months! We were so proud that he held onto that toy!
So this evening I was in the tub with our rainbow Addison, and I brought in the yellow boat for the first time. She LiT up when she saw it-almost as if she remembered it from another time. Then I realized-there has to be some part of him in her, because if he hadn't died, she would not exist. I have to believe that there is an intrinsic connection between the baby I lost and the baby I have now. Incredible. Breathtaking. And heartbreaking. This is life after SIDS.

i like this thought.

i too haven't posted in a long while....our rainbow is almost 4 months--the point where we lost our little henry....i have been feeling super anxious lately......

Hi Em. My anxiety is at an all time high as we approach the 6 month mark with Addison. I'm sorry you lost your little Henry. Was it from SIDS?

Hi Julie, I think of you and Baby Bug and his cute, cute self :) thank you for sharing about his connection to his Baby Sister. The mystery of all of it never ceases to amaze me, and sometimes it is very beautiful. With love to your whole family,
Jen (AdiaRose and Baby Leaf's mom)

aw Jen! SO nice to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear about Baby Leaf; so heart broken for you. I know you have been trying for a rainbow for a long time. I think of you too, and hope you are coping as well as you can with this latest loss. I lost another baby too before I had Addison; I was still in such shock from losing Bug I don't even know if I was able to process it. I felt like the universe was just plotting against me relentlessly.
I know you were asking in another post about miscarrying naturally...I too wanted to do that, but after a couple of weeks I realized that I couldn't do it. I could not wait. And I wanted to try for another baby as soon as I could. I ended up having a D+C and recovered more quickly that I could have ever imagined. I hope you are feeling ok physically if you have decided to go the natural path, I know the emotional part takes much longer to heal. So much love to you and your family Jen.

Julie--it happened at daycare, so unsure.....it's just so unsettling to be approaching this birthday--i want to be far past it. and also, i think i'm sad to get here too, because now we won't be able to talk about what Henry was doing at this age.....does that make sense? it's been nice to be able to compare them a bit (about sleep habits and eating habits, etc)....made Henry still feel so present with us....

Hi Em. I totally understand. We constantly compare Addison and her brother. I wonder when we pass the age when he died (God willing) with Addison if it will be easier for the milestones to be just hers, as now I feel like they share them in a way. I mean, all we knew of our son was his first 6 months, so it is surreal to have another baby here in our home doing all those same things so soon after we lost him. I desperately wanted a son, but now I realize that Addison being a girl does help to differentiate her from her brother. At the same time, I miss him so much, and wonder if he was to be my only son. And not getting to see him grow up is very, VERY painful. It is still really hard for me to be around baby boys. I know we are blessed to have another baby, but we have still lost so, SO much. I hope you are hanging in there. Having a rainbow brings joy, but also the constant reminder of what we are missing. I am also in a support group for infant loss if you are interested in joining let me know. Glow is awesome and I have benefitted greatly from this community, but sometimes it is nice to be in a group more specific to losing an older baby. Blessings to you Em.

Julie--I agree with so much of what you said...and I would love to hear more about your support group. You can message me at emilyturmelle52AThotmtailDOTcom

Thinking of you as well--i'm so sad that we're all here together, but so grateful for the support....

whoops...typed too fast...

emilyturmelle52AThotmailDOTcom

Julie- I've read this post a few times and I think it's beautiful. It's heartwrenching (I have a 6 month rainbow now and can not imagine what you've suffered) but also very moving. I firmly believe our babies are intrinsically connected. I often look to my rainbow girl to imagine what my son would have looked like had he lived. I imagine the next month or so will be very emotional and scary for you. I'm thinking of you and sending strong healthy energy to your precious Addison.

Julie
I am so sorry Wilhelm isn't here to fight with Addison over the yellow boat. I didn't lose Melanie to SIDS, she was stillborn at 34 weeks, but I am still terrified our rainbow will stop breathing in the middle of the night. Last night was her first night in her crib and she is 3 months old. We got an angelcare monitor for her crib as it was the only way I felt comfortable with her sleeping in her room. It detects every breath/movement she makes and an alarm sounds after 20seconds of no movement being detected

Hi Melly belly, congrats on your rainbow! We just transitioned Addison to
The crib at 5 months and now have both the angelcare and snuza
Going. The monitors do ease the anxiety.
Sophia-thank you for your message. Losing a perfectly healthy 6 month old baby is beyond description. Beyond unfair. Grateful for my older daughter and my rainbow. But I miss my son SO SO much.
Peace be with all
Of you

Owh Julie, you give me hope. It's beautiful they have similarities I think that's very special. X x x x

Hi, I'm new to this site and to posting but I could not help myself when I read your stories. I lost my son exactly 5weeks ago at the age of 3months of 23 days to SIDS. My heart still hurts till this day yearning to see/hold my baby boy but my hubby has been a great support. We are now open to being pregnant again and I am quit anxious to actually be pregnant but i feel it will also come with mixed emotions as my baby boy was my first born and a Jr. I was so comforted to read your stories and know I'm not alone. We've gone to counseling but the agency has no support group with parents who lost their child to SIDS. Julie or anyone who has lost a child from SIDS please feel free to respond I would love to be a support and receive support. God Bless.

Hi Denise. Sorry so long to respond. Holidays and such. A hard time of year. How are you doing? I'm so so sorry about your sweet boy. SIDS has to be the most evil thing in the world. Snatching our healthy babies without warning. Unreal and beyond unfair. I am in a SIDS support group on Facebook that has been incredibly healing for me. The isolation of a SIDS loss is so difficult. If you want to join us just let me know. Em who is also on this post is now with us too. It is helpful to connect with others who have lost an older baby. Many blessings to you and hang in there. You WILL be ok.

Thank you Julie. I'd like to join the support group on fb but I'm currently not on fb but I will join. What is the name of the group?

Denise-once you join Facebook, I can add you to our group. Feel free to email me...julie.warnke@gmail.com