Why do I get asked this question so often when I am with my daughter

"Just the one?"

It's so upsetting. The implication that one isn't enough, that we are lacking (which obviously we feel anyway, not that our daughter isn't enough, but that we were supposed to be a family of four).

Most of the time, I answer 'not really, our second daughter died in January, so it's just the three of us here' or words to that effect, but my husband gets really embarrassed and it obviously makes people feel awkward (their problem, I feel)

I hate the way it makes me feel, it can leave me feeling depressed for hours. A supposedly innocent question that opens a massive can of worms in my mind.

Yes, we have just the one with us. But I have two daughters.

'

Agreed. I hate that question. I usually respond with something similar, like, "yes, we had another baby, but he died last year." And if people feel awkward, then I don't care.

I also hate when people ask if we'll have another one, and are we trying etc. Those questions are also hurtful. Ugh. People and their stupid questions/comments.

Ugh, awful. I don't have living children (except the one I'm pregnant with now and somehow have been lucky so far with not too many "Is this your firsts?"), so I haven't been through this. Nadia, the questions people ask you about trying for more remind me though of an experience I had. A woman asked me long after Peregrine died about my baby being born. I managed to be pretty calm and said, "I guess you haven't heard. He died." She was of course awkward and such, and then asked if we were trying again. I feel that's beside the point entirely, like we're just replacing one with the other. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. So, I said in a gentle tone, "That's a pretty personal question." I think one could even say that in response to "Just the one?" but I imagine that might confuse people more than saying it to "Are you trying for more?"

I despise that kind of question, too, and have heard it many times while out with my living son. If I'm in a new group of moms/parents and these kind of questions start up, I feel so much inner tension over deciding - say something about our losses or let it go and remain invisible? My therapist suggested I could just say something like 'we've been trying for a long time for a second' or 'we hope to have another' if I don't want to go into detail. Just want to say you are not alone with this.

Cyan, I blogged about that one of the days last week. I hate that question and I am also asked that over and over again. For a long time I said no and that my daughter died last year but then I just say yes now, especially if it's random people, yes, he is the only only you see. My daughters story is not for the random cashier or the person on the street. She died and it's hard and I don't need anyone's pity or lack of acknowledgement. I can't do that. Those that matter are well aware that I have two children and never ask that. When it's the right forum I say no, my daughter passed away but I have to let people in for that.

Jo-Anne thank you, that is another perspective on it and one that I'm giving a lot of thought to right now

You are right, my little one's story is not for the window cleaner, they taxi driver, the hairdresser, the waitress, the ... Well you get the idea of course

And they always, ALWAYS, just look awkward and change the subject, which maybe is a worse way to honour her. I don't know.

Is there another way? I just can't think

I get asked several times per week how many children I have. I always answer 4 (that's just what feels right for me - I don't give a crap about others' discomfort around my truth) and it's as if the record stopped playing. Just today at a pool it happened. They were just silent in response. I could see they were shocked. At least she didn't say something offensive that was meant in kindness.

I know you are a family of 4. I'm sorry the physical appearance of your family doesn't match the truth.

Cyan, I find myself thinking similarly to Jo-Anne. My son's story is not for the random stranger, such as the one who asked me "just your daughter?" yesterday on the playground. A few months ago I had worried that it didn't honor Max if I answered this way, but my grief psychologist said something like "people are so fucking stupid. you need to do what honors your relationship with your son - not honors the stupid questions of others." She really said fucking stupid. I love her.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with stupid people. That all of us do. It's so unfair...

I have probably nothing to add but just want to join in with the conversation for my own benefit if that is ok?
Working in maternity and neonates I can get asked about my own family situation often several times a day. Two years after losing Daniel I still find it hard to answer these questions. I am in the camp of only sharing my little boy with those I feel worthy and special enough of sharing but regardless I always seem to get flustered and hesitate with my reply.

For the most part new or expectant mothers are so involved in themselves that really they don't want to listen to anything you have to say unless it is about them and their baby and are just making mindless conversation ( I don't mean for this to sound harsh or bitchy but it's just the way it is). Also, I would never want to rain on their parade rather let them have their bliss.

But then there are situations when I am looking after someone's very sick / very prem baby and they know there are no garauntees and they are besides themselves with worry and fear and you recognise and empathise with everything they are going through. It is here that I often reveal my history. I tell them I know what they risk losing and the awfulness of it all, that I lost a little boy and I will do everything in my power to spare them that loss and will mind their baby as if it was my own. I think the parents take comfort in this and appreciate you sharing.

There are other times then when a family is after having their third son and I would love to share with them how I had three boys too but don't as it's not appropriate and doesn't serve them.

Other times I will be selective with the truth and edit out the stillbirth for example 'yes my third baby was breech too' or ' I had an epi with my first delivery but managed fine the next two times' . However, sometimes the less you say the more questions you get asked like ' oh wow you have 3 kid, girls or boys? How old are they? What are they called?' And you end up back at square one again.

So really two years later I still don't have a 'go to' answer that I am fully comfortable with despite being in the situation thousands of times. I think on each occasion that such a question is asked I just decide there and then what I am comfortable with.
Omitting Daniel never feels good or right and is never easy but it protects me from maybe the awfulness of what comes following disclosure - the further intrusion of my heartache or equally as bad the complete dismissal.

As we get older the fewer opportunities we have to 'make' friends or let others into our lives but on the rare occasion that new friends arrive I feel I have to share Daniel with them cause to know me is to know my loss and really I couldn't have it any other way. So basically I suppose the way I play it is that if I think I will know you in six months time rather than just a twelve hour shift or a brief encounter you are going to hear all.

Lastly I think if Daniel wasn't stillborn rather died at any stage after birth I would find it easier to openly include him in my family count. People often seem to place less weight on stillbirth and offer you less sympathy and in my experience often view you as an over sentimental loon. This might not be a fair evaluation or everyone's experience but it has often been mine.

Maybe by the time we all get asked these hard awkward questions for the millionth time we might have the perfect reply.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lucy, thank you, I've just seen your post
You sound so selfless and caring - wish I'd met you at my hospital! I get what you're saying about people thinking stillborn children aren't the same, I've mentioned my daughter at times and got that incredulous look back, as the same person backs slowly away...

I hate this question as well! I work as a hairstylist too, so I am asked this by almost every new client. It can come up 5 or 6 times a day. I also struggle with a response and in the last year I've decided that I don't need to tell everyone my story.

My philosophy goes along with Lucy's. If it is someone who will be around 6 months from now, I let them in. If it is just a "client" or someone that does not mean much to me, I've decided I don't need to let them in. Every time I omit Lila, my heart hurts a little, but I need to do this to get by... It's almost like an armor. Maybe it's necessary for my job, or maybe I would be like this anyway?

I've just found that I can't let all these people in and I also can't re-live my experience many times throughout a day, especially at work. It blows my mind how people just throw that question around. I guess I probably did too before Lila died. Now I just think about how personal it is and how many difficult answers could come from it. People throw it out there like it's asking, "What's your name?"

Thanks for letting me vent too!