A little over 5 years ago we lost our baby boy S the day after his due date due to a cord accident. 7 months later, we adopted twin boys (we had been in the process of adopting when I surprisingly got pg). When they were two, I had another baby. A couple months after he was born, my twins got diagnosed with autism. So now I have a 13 year old girl who hates me, most of the time, twin 4 year old boys with some super challenging behaviors, and a thankfully mellow 2 year old boy.

I don't know why I'm so sad all of the sudden, but at times I can't stop thinking about S, and I'm so pissed that he died and I know it's awful, but I feel I was just robbed of what should have been. My life is nothing like it was supposed to be. And I love my kids, but I feel like my anger and sadness is really affecting my parenting in a negative way.

Has anyone else fallen into a pit so far out from their baby's death? How did you deal?

Just wanted to send you some love leah. I'm not 5 years out yet. Just over 2 years now. Some days I'm caught off guard by my truth hitting me in the face. Life took a wrong turn back there.

Dear Leah,

I'm 23 years out from the death of my daughter. Yes, I have hit years of intensified grief. For me, the first one was at 4 years, the second at 7 years and the third at 11 years. Then, I stopped noticing so much. It is just something that happens some years, for me. I have noticed that it seems to happen to many of us.

My theory is that we work so hard, we do so much, we give so much effort to get back to "normal", "happy" and "functioning" that we wear out and hit a slump. Since for all of that effort, we still hurt. And hurt and hurt and hurt. It it very discouraging. We often get told that we should move on, and get over it, but I think we tell ourselves that more than we hear it from others. 5 years out, and you think you should be okay. Sad still at times, but okay. And you are not. You still long for and miss your son as if it was only 5 weeks, not 5 years. But it is never okay that your little boy died. It is never easy. You are never over it. This is forever, and forever is longer than 5 years or 20 years.

The other thing that I think happens is that this grief changes. It grows. Now, you not only miss the baby, you miss the 5 year old, who should maybe be starting kindergarten. You miss the 5 year old discovering the world, as well as the baby who should have been cuddled and fed in your arms. There are new things to grieve and you have to learn new ways to grieve them.

You are not handling your grief wrong. All your past effort has not been in vain. You are simply grieving anew. What worked for me was going back to basics. Grief 101. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Cry and mourn when you can, when you need to, even though you have to put it off until the middle of the night or some evening next week, be sure to have your cry. You need it. Reread books and blogs that helped. You will find you have different insights now. If therapy worked, try again. Same with anti-depressants. I find that fighting the grief, ignoring it, thinking I should be better than I am, was not helpful. Giving in and giving up and grieving worked much more quickly and deeply, getting me back to my own comfort zone. I really get tired of it, at times I do not want to deal with this again. I just want to be okay.

Sending you love and wishing you some peace. I'm sorry your son died and that you have to think about and know these things.

Thank you, Leah, for posting. I came on Glow today feeling down like you.

Jill A., every time I read your words on this site you bring comfort and clarity to me. Thank you so much.

My first child/daughter died after delivery at full term three years ago, and then I have had two healthy daughters after that--the last one just born 12 days ago. I know a lot of what I'm feeling is the normal postpartum blues, but there was so much anxiety, fear, and surfaced grief before the delivery, that I was expecting more joy at her safe arrival. Now I feel relieved, but the grief is still there. I know it will always be there, but it is challenging to sit with it at a time when I *should* be happy and grateful.

Sorry I don't have advice--just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Leah, I am so sorry for the loss of your son S. It isn't fair that he is not here with your brood. I am 2.5 years out and most days are good now, but I still miss her. I still wish that she was here, I still don't understand why she died. It also sounds like you have your plate full with parenting your living children; a teenager and 2 children with Autism? My goodness how difficult. Make sure that you are taking some time for you. I think that after we have lost a child we think that we need to be super parents to our living kids, but part of that is making sure that we are cared for and nurtured too.

Jill A. I always love when you comment, you words are comforting and knowing that you made it to 23 years without your girl brings me hope.

Thanks all. Especially Jill a you really put it perfectly. Sapphire, hugs to you.. Life with a new is so hard. I know when Cy was a newborn all the feelings came back so fresh in a hormonal vortex.

Thank you Leah for posting this and thank you Jill A for your response. This has helped me tremendously. I'm 7 years out and 2 kids later and as much as I love my 2 kids, I still feel like there's a missing piece. I find myself crying at times and being right back in it. Jill A. - I can't thank you enough. What you said is exactly what I've been experiencing and I had the same thoughts. I have to make sure that I let myself let it out when it comes bubbling up. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. Unfortunately, until I saw this post, I thought it was just me being overly emotional. That there was something wrong with me. The thought that I should "get over it" at some point always seems to come through. As if this loss is something that I could ever actually get over and forget. Thank you for helping me understand that this is normal and that there isn't something wrong with me for not forgetting about the loss and for having grief that I still grapple with at times. I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for the peace this brought me.

Sending love to you all, especially you Leah. Thanks for writing this post. And to you Jill A for such an honest response. It really help to read all this. Thank you.