I am so lonely. I have lost my social circle, as it is largely the mums I met through my toddler l/c, who now have their newborns too. I can't face them, I can't see them, so I wander round with my little one like some kind of ghost. It's terrible for her and it is terrible for me. I gaze into space as she plays in the sandpit, I play the what if game as I push her through the park, I cry silently for my lost baby as my big girl sits on my lap watching Thomas And Friends.

I have had days of real joy and happiness, but they are still, five months on, the exception. Mostly I just don't feel like life can every be anything now and the what-ifs overwhelm me. What if I'd noticed sooner, what if I had been more aware of her movements, what if I hadn't relaxed this pregnancy, what if I'd had an extra scan...what if I had never got pregnant in the first place. How have I created this hell for myself?

I have lost not only my second daughter, but I feel like I'm losing these precious years with my l/c. I'm here but I'm not here.

Cyan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I lost my first daughter Feb 2012 to a cord accident. My second was born May 2013. She is not in any play groups and although I am trying to socialize her more, keeping her safe and with us at home has such a strong pull. There is a blog on the blog roll called March is for Daffodils by JLD. Her first born was about 3 when her second daughter died. She writes beautifully about how the loss affected her and her older daughter and it may be something that resonates with you. She has since had a rainbow boy.

My best advice is be gentle on yourself. Parenting a 1 year old is hard enough! Make sure that you are taking the time you need to grieve and if some days you phone in your parenting to your living daughter it is okay, people do it all the time, the next day you will be more present for her. Taking time to mourn you lost baby makes you a good mama too.

Thank you for your kind words. I spent an afternoon reading that blog and it was very comforting
Wishing you well and sending love to both your girls xx

Oh, Cyan. I just read your post. I am so, so sorry. I know this feeling so well. I will always say that almost as awful as losing Anja was feeling like I was constantly failing E and worrying that E's childhood, her sweet young years, were tainted and ruined. I still look at photos of her in the months before Anja died and wonder, wonder, wonder why this had to happen to HER as well as to me and to Anja. But, I will say that things have improved...five months was a raw, horrible, sad and desperate time for me. Now, two and a half years later, I am certainly not 'over it' but we are doing better...we have good days, fun days, and days where I can be completely present for my living children. We talk about Anja. We collect rocks for her. E collects flowers and watches out for butterflies. She is okay. She holds a huge sadness in her heart, but she is joyful, too, and funny and kind and happy. I'm not sure if this helps, what I'm typing here...I keep re-reading your sentence about losing your baby, but also the precious years with her older sister and I just nod: I know this so well. I used to get so mad when people would tell me I should be grateful I had E to distract me, when honestly, so often, I just wished I could be by myself, have some time to really grieve her sister, and then I would feel so, so awful, because she needed me too and needed me to be strong and love her and reassure her that she would be ok and then all that need would feel suffocating and I'd be resentful and then feel so guilty because how could I resent my sweet three year old and then so, so mad at the universe for fucking up my life so completely. There's nothing I can say, really, except that oh, I get it and - though I don't know if it helps to hear now - it will get better...or at least easier...And Grace's mom is right: try to take some time for yourself and do the grieving you need to do. I did not do enough of this and I paid the price in frustration and resentment and that helps absolutely no one.

Again, I'm so sorry. Sending lots of love.

Yes I understand everything you say JLD
Of course we are grateful we have our living children, but it is so hard sometimes to be a good mother and grieve. So hard.

I really take heart in knowing you're having better days now. 2.5 years seems to be that point for a lot of people, where the grief settles into your life a bit more easily. When I heard someone say something similar to me before, I just thought NO, NO NO NO, I can't wait that long for better days. But now it doesn't really feel that long away. I've endured the worse and I'm still here. God knows how, but I'm still here.