I have a BL friend who once said to another BL friend that she was having a hard time hanging out at the playground with her living child and making small talk with the other parents. The second BL friend was really upset, saying that was a problem she'd like to have. I know I'm 'lucky' to be hanging out at the playground with my kids (one born before A, one after) but...my god, is it exhausting sometimes. Pretending I'm just like everybody else. I am so worn down by it. I think I have done a pretty good job all this long year of E's kindergarten. I have been friendly and smiled and made small talk while E runs and laughs and plays as she should. As she needs to. Maybe it is that the end of the year is nearing, but I am starting to feel so terribly tired and also so separate from the other parents. So alone. So aware of what is different in my family and theirs. I've done such a damn good job of pretending everything is a-ok. I bet most people would be completely surprised if they knew I was carrying around all this grief and sorrow and rage. I've kept my mask on so securely all year - and it's wearing me down. I wish I thought there was an alternative. I could stand apart from everyone, like I often want to, and be sad and withdrawn, but I just feel like that would not be good at all for E and M. They need me to behave like a 'normal' mom. I know there is a lot of discussion amongst parents with living children about how they need to see us sad and angry, that that is how they learn to process their own emotions, but I can't help feeling there is a limit to that...they also need me to be their anchor, to secure them their spot in their community. So, I will continue to smile and chat and nod along. But oh my god am I worn down by it...

For the last 2 years I have loved and cherished my fortune to be able to go to the playground. But I hate going. I don't fit in there. And is everyone pregnant or have a newborn there, or is it just me?

I'm tired of my son being gone.

I think my grief was too much for my older daughter. This year was so hard on her. We are just trying to pick up the pieces now.

I still have a hard time being at the playground. Talking to people. Seeing them with their one year old babies, the size Acacia would have been. I'm angry. Aggressive sometimes, the way I talk about her. People tell me, "You handled that with so much grace." They don't see that I am still handling it, every day, it is not past, she is not past.

I feel the same way.... I hate the playground after school. Everyone else seems so at ease, but it feels like a minefield to me. When my twins died last Oct, my son's teachers sent an announcement to all the parents in his class (with my permission). People were very supportive, so I'm glad I let her do that, but now I'm left knowing that pretty much everyone knows what happened but almost no one acknowledges it. I have said to my therapist that I wish I had a "pain-o-meter" on top of my head so people could know when I'm really hurting so they could either steer clear of me or reach out, or something. It feels exhausting to think of how many years of playground small talk I will have to endure.

Thanks for your responses - it helps to feel less alone, even if you are all so far away. Sending love to you all and strength to endure.

Hi JLD, I feel very much apart from the other parents, too. Inevitably conversations happen about how many children I/they have, spacing of kids, siblings, etc. I'm always missing my babies more acutely after that and feel silenced if I haven't said anything or upset if I have talked about our babies who died. My living child is 5. It is exhausting. Of course I am grateful to have my son, but it hurts to be missing his siblings and be reminded of them so often. One of his classmates even has a baby brother with the same name as our baby Leo who didn't make it - ouch!

I feel grateful and furious at once when going with my living daughter at the playground. Everyone is pregnant or with a newborn and just seeing all those happy, chatty ladies makes me sick. I cannot help but stare at them and listening to their conversations. I plaster a smile over my face for my daughter, but my tears are flooding the inside me when thinking at my little baby boy.

But I am not doing as great as you, I often cry and cringe, even at my daughter's school. Most of the time I try to look if not happy, at least stable, but sometimes I just fail miserably.

Yes, I find it hard too. L was 2,5 years old when her sister died. Too small do do anything on her own, too big to be happy to spend her time home alone with me.

With a living child after a loss, a job and a house to keep, there's not much room for grieving. Not much chance to avoid triggers, as kindergardens and playgrounds are indeed so unbelievably full of baby bumps and newborns. Instead, there's a whole lot of motoring on, putting a happy face on. And these playground acquaintances that I ended up spending so much time with, for my living child's sake, these mummies are just so wrapped up in their perfectly happy family lives, they do not want to know about dead babies. Even if they know of my situation, thoughtlessness follows insensitivity on a regular basis. I walked away from the playground in tears so many times, only to return the next day, I felt like a masochist. But who can say no to "mummy pleeeease?" all the time? Sit home alone with a bored kid that wants to go out and play?

Our neighborhood is full of kids, which is nice for L and hard for me. There where four little girls born between E's death and her due date, one smack on her due date and her name is nearly the same. I wish I could run from them all the time, but L wants to play with their older siblings, so I put myself through sitting with them, looking at their kids, listening to their complaining and their smugness, and it is just.so.hard.

I have never been good at small talk at the playground. Now, just as everyone else described, it's almost unbearable. I don't mind if other moms think I'm a snob when I don't engage with them, but lately it seems there is an influx of moms who just keep chatting at me about the most inane things. My 3-year old, E, is quite good at chatting and she especially loves to do so with adults. She also tells anyone that her baby brother died (my grief counselor said that means she's processing it quite well). The sadist part of me doesn't mind when she drops that bomb on the chatterers who won't take a hint. Just reading this makes me worried that I have become a horrible person. Losing a baby does something to you...

I wonder how many other moms and dads on the playground are also pretending. Sometimes, when I'm feeling brave or defiant or whatever and I mention Joseph, other babylost parents come out of the woodwork. I'm always surprised, and relieved (even though it sounds horrible I think you know what I mean) to find others who have had a loss. It makes me feel less isolated.