I realize this may be a strange post but I don't know where to put it as I want to be sensitive to those still struggling to conceive.

I lost my son almost three years ago and was an active member of Glow through my loss and subsequent pregnancy. Before my loss, I already had a living daughter. Then I lost my son 6 months into the pregnancy. Some months later, I became pregnant again and carried my rainbow girl to term. Nine months after she was born, I became pregnant again (much to my shock, fear and surprise) and we just brought home another little girl. I feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful for these living children. But I am DONE having children.

I was essentially pregnant for the last three years of my life. I have been riddled with anxiety and fear and I am ready to walk away from this phase of life and work on parenting my living children. My pregnancies were difficult and had risk. I do not ever want to be pregnant again. Another accidental pregnancy at this point would be devastating to me. So my husband is scheduled for a vasectomy next Friday. I know this is the right thing to do. (IUDs don't work for me and the other options aren't surefire enough for me.) But there is this irrational part of me that is afraid of the finality of it. I know that children die. What if my three children died in a car accident and I was childless again. Would I want to travel down the road of pregnancy again so I could mother a living child? I really really don't think I'd do it even under those circumstances. I'm 36 this year. I've carried 4 babies. I'm DONE. But what if??

My friends think I'm crazy. I won't lose my children. But I held my dead son. I marveled at his perfectness. His eyelashes. His long fingers like mine. And I cried into his stillness. Babies die. Bad things happen to good people. I want to let go of this fear and move forward. I want my husband to get the surgery so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant again. Has anyone else made this choice? Does anyone have any advice on how to get past my fear that my children may all die and I'm making a choice now that I could regret?

I'm sorry if this sounds silly. I know there are so many bigger issues living here on Glow. I have been one of those issues. I'm a little farther out than many of you. I just don't have anyone to ask that really understands my fears. Thank you for any insight. It's truly appreciated. I love and respect this community more than anything.

Hi Nicole, this request is SO not silly...we have entertained the exact same thoughts but have yet to go through with such a permanent solution. I have given birth to four children and have three living kids. Currently (and for past 3.5 years since my son was born) we haven't used any birth control except withdrawal method.
I can't bring myself to do something permanent JUST IN CASE. Because just because it happened once doesn't mean the worst can't happen again.
Sorry I can't give you advice on having a vasectomy but just wanted to empathize with your sentiments. Good luck on whatever you decide.

Nicole, it's not strange. I had the same fears. I couldn't commit to getting my tubes tied for my final pregnancy (which was a scheduled c-section). My doctor kept suggesting it, knowing that this would be my last pregnancy (I was almost 41 when I had him) but I couldn't out of fear - what if? My husband did get a vasectomy about a year after we brought home the baby and I worried about the same thing. In the end, I knew that even if the worst happened and we lost both our living boys, having another baby wouldn't fix things and I couldn't live my life in fear. He did it and it was a good decision. No longer having to worry about birth control has been comforting. I am with you in that I never want to be pregnant again. Good luck with your decision, whatever it may be.

I'm in a bit of a different scenario, but similar topic. I have 3 living young children. I wanted more children but my husband did not. We accidentally conceived our son Ethan the night before my husband's vasectomy. Realized a few weeks after the surgery I was pregnant. Ethan died at 4 days old, and i do want another chance to ttc. But he does not. So we are patient with our emotions and grief. Clearly my husband was devastated that our son died. But it did not change the fact that he was sure of his decision. I offer our experience to say that if the worst luck were to strike again it's painful but possible to find a way through. And a vasectomy can be reversed with generally good results. (I know as I researched that for a while after Ethan died).

I think all you said makes a lot of sense to me. And there is a lot to be said for knowing what is right for yourself and your family.

Thank you ladies for validating my fears. I felt so hesitant about this decision even though I know it's the right one for us. Olivia, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this! Monique, I think you really helped me when you said 'you can't live your life in fear.' It's so hard not to when it come to our kids but I am trying very hard not to let fear take over. Parenting in general is so scary. The what ifs always in the back of your mind.

Annie, I know Ethan's story. I don't post much here anymore but I do check in sometimes. The recent blood drive you did for Ethan was AWE INSPIRING. What a legacy of his life. What a push and pull situation you and your husband must be in. It's so very hard when you disagree on the next steps in your life. My husband was 100% onboard with the vasectomy and he didn't understand my wavering. Thank you for mentioning the fact that it can be reversed. I remember Em/Eva's mama went through the reversal and they welcomed Nathan to the world. There is a bit of solace in knowing that for me. Although again, I know I never want to be pregnant again!

My husband went through with it last Friday and we both know it's the right decision deep down. I've probably been checking on my kids' breathing at night more frequently than normal. But in the end, I have learned the hard lesson we have all learned. We don't have control. What is, will be. And I will just be present with these lovely children and not fear what the future will bring because in the end, nothing is life is permanent. We're all on borrowed time. We just didn't get enough of that time with our lost children. Thank you mamas for helping me to close a chapter in my life.

Almost two years ago, I posted on this site about the loss of my son Kevin Jr. due to stillbirth. Since then, I have miscarried and have had awful problems with hormonal birth control as well as the non hormonal IUD paraguard. My partner wants to get a vasectomy since this is the 4th time my IUD has fallen out or stabbed me. He wants to be responsible for birth control which I admire and am thankful for since it saves me a ton of physical pain or hormonal problems. However, it also saddens me to k ow that there is definately a possibility that it wont be reversible or we wont be able to have children together. This is the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. How do I come to turns with not being able to have biological children when I have lost so much? My hopes and dreams died with my children but the thought of not being able to have kids kills me all over again. Help. Am I crazy? Am I the only one who feels like this? Am I selfish in my saddness? Why does it hurt so much?

TES, I'm so sorry for you loss of Kevin Jr. The past two years have got to have been so hard for you. Especially as you mention that you have miscarried since them. How can life be so cruel? I don't know your story and if having biological children is really out of the cards for you. But I would consider vasectomy a permanent procedure. I know that a few people can reverse it but it's not guaranteed and it's an intense and stressful process for someone who decides they want to attempt a pregnancy again. I think you have to be very certain that you do not want to attempt to have a child again before you travel down that road. I'm not hearing that in your post.

Obviously I'm not going on much but I caution you about going through with such a final procedure while you're still working through so many emotions. I also had 2 IUD stab me or work its way out so I understand you're seeking an alternative. Perhaps a combination of the good old condom, spermicide and natural family planning method for the next year while you work through your feelings.

You are not selfish. You're not crazy. You're a mother whose baby was stolen from you. You were robbed of your plans for the future. You have every reason to be devastated by the thought that you will not get to bring home a biological child. That is a very, very hard pill to swallow. Like I said, I don't know your story and if childbearing is just out of the question for you but families are all unique and there's not hard fast rule about what makes up a family - biological children, adopted children, even a couple with two lovely golden retrievers they love...that's what it really comes down to. Love. I hope that you are able to grow your family in some way and in the meantime, continue to heal before making any decisions you make regret in the future.

Again, I'm so sorry that your baby boy Kevin Jr is not here with you.

This week marks two years since Kevin Junior and it was the best day to see your response. Thank you Nicole... I always come back to this site and it never faild to provide comfort and support

I am 22 now. I've lost four. The days blur together and I find myself here because I'm crying everyday again.. just when I go forward a bit I go backwards a ton. I was 16 when I found this group.. so thankful for all of you still. No one else understands. I'm with the same man. Same problems. I'm just so tired of it not being my time. I went into education so I could at least be around little ones.. but it hurts.