I have an older son who is 4 and I lost twin boys about 6 months ago. My older son was quite traumatized by the loss of his brothers, though more so by the fact that his parents disappeared to the hospital in the middle of the night (my water broke prematurely) and he woke up to find a family friend waiting for him. Anyway, we talk openly about the boys we lost and how we miss them but it doesn't come up much away from home. A couple of days ago we were at a friend's house for a play date and I was wearing a necklace I wear that is in memory of the twins. My son pointed out the necklace to his friend and told me to "tell him the whole story". I started to say something fairly innocuous like "we thought there would be two babies joining our family but they didn't come" but my son cut me off and told his version of the story, that there had been two babies in mommy's tummy but they died. Still not graphic or scary or anything. Well, the mom of the friend whose house we were at looked completely appalled that I would let him say that, and covered her son's ears so he wouldn't hear what my son was saying. She said that he doesn't know what "died" means and she doesn't want to have to explain it. I was livid! I'm so sorry that my family's reality is too hard for your three year old to fathom. I feel like death, when it's not a family member, is a pretty basic thing for kids to understand (who hasn't had a goldfish that died?) and we weren't exactly weeping on their doorstep, just stating it matter-of-factly. Anyway, I was so annoyed. Just needed to vent somewhere where people would understand.

Ememers, I'm so sorry that you and your son are in this position in the first place, that your sons died. And how terrible for this "friend" to react that way! I don't have other children, but we are close with the kids of some of our friends. All of them has been really sweet about explaining what happened to their kids. Some kids had questions for us immediately after our son died, and I wasn't yet in a place where I could handle them, but I am glad that the parents are honest and allow for their kids to be upset and to have questions. Our 5 year old niece was at the memorial and burial of her cousin, and a year later, our close friend's kids came to the unveiling of his burial. I don't know if there's much to do about this person -- you can't tell someone how to parent their child, but you certainly are welcome to vent here.

I'm appalled. And so hurt for you. I've lost several friendships as a result of similar conversations. How nice for her that she can pretend death doesn't happen. (I will say that I think she missed an opportunity to grow and teach her child something though). Clearly she is uncomfortable with death, and sadly appears to be passing this on to her child. Good for your oldest for processing his experience. That is healthy. (My opinion as a babyloss mom and a mental health counselor).

How did you respond? I think that may have ended my friendship.

Lots of love to you.

I am so painfully sorry for that. It had to hurt. The reality is that most people don't like to deal with our pain. They just don't know how, and to be honest, if I could go back and save my two innocent (living) children the pain and sadness that goes along with death and loss, I would give anything to do so. I don't blame the mother for wanting to protect her child, but I feel so sad that she made you feel that. Unacceptable, what a horrible friend.

Rowan, almost 3 at the time, was in daycare. The daycare lady gets together with other providers in the neighborhood at the park to play. One day, Rowan decided to share our story with another provider and it made her cry. My provider told me that she told Rowan that he should keep those things to himself and he doesn't know how others are going to feel when he shares his feelings.

Fuck that lady. Hes a BABY dealing with the loss of a BABY. Putting your comfort in front of his is not ok.

Your friend should have manned up for a little and talked to her kid about reality.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been meaning to write an entire post about this, so thank you for bringing it up. I'm so sorry for your losses, both of the twins, and the innocence and naïveté of your older son. I do believe that it is the harshest blow to our hearts, losing both. It rips my heart apart every day to see my 4 year old having to deal with this pain.

That woman seems to be so fake. Good for her that she has the luxury of shielding her child's ears and protecting him from death that way. What choice did we have? Do we all not want, desperately want to be like that? What choice did we have, plunging head down into loss and taking our living children with us? All we want is respect for our loss and grief, and this is how you react. Fuck you lady.

I hope you don't have to be around such morons again. That would have ended my 'friendship' too.

My son does not know death. He was three and a half, and we said that his sister flew away, in a way that would make some sense to him then. We said that she went to a little box in his chest (he didn't know heart at the time either). He's been saying that to everyone, and often has a pretty relaxed way about it. He started a new school about a month after she died, and his teacher told me that he smiled and told her that he has a little sister who lives in his chest.

But this has been until now. As spring approaches, and he grows older, he is adding more dimensions to the story: did she make swooshing sounds when she flew away? Did she grow wings, like birds, or did she use her hands? If she flew away to his heart (now he knows that), surely she can fly out of it too? Then what does he do? He doesn't want to cage her! We have these conversation every day. It reminded me last night of the 'if you love something, set it free' quote. How old was I when I had to learn and understand it? 21? As my 4-year-old deals with this issue of life, he's also dealing with this issue of love. The permanence of love, the need for freedom, and yet the permanence of love. He's four!!

Your post also brings up another issue for me. How to explain what has happened to my son's friends when they ask me benign questions. Most of them have baby siblings my daughter's age. They call them 'their babies.' I spend more time with the class than other parents, sometimes sitting in on story sessions or staying on the playground. Sometimes they would ask me, does Aahir have a baby? I'm sure they've mentioned this to him too. I dread that when he replies that he does, but she flew away, one or more will chip in with, babies can't fly, silly! And that he will hear 'she must have died' from them. Last night my husband and I had a conversation about talking to him about death. Naming it. Explaining it. Before someone else casually does, and bruises his broken heart again.

Thank you for writing about this. I'm glad your son has been processing it as a part of his life in such a mature and matter-of-fact way. We often talk about our new normal. Given how much kids want to fit in at this age, it is heartbreaking to watch them having to grapple with their new normal. This loss will forever be a part of who they are. How well and comfortably they can integrate it into their lives and their story is crucial to their well being. I think that as mothers we have the right to stand up for their feelings of being denied as much as that other Mom. It's not his fault that his brothers died. It's his LIFE. He has the right to talk about it. And you have every right to stand up for him and protect him from being denied or chastised. I would do the same.

Thanks for all the very thoughtful replies, I appreciate knowing that I'm not overreacting when I feel like I want to strangle this woman. I mean, parent your child however you like, but don't make my four year old feel like an outcast for needing to talk about the brothers he lost! Thankfully, I don't think my son noticed that she had covered her son's ears, as he was looking at me at that point. I followed up the incident by talking to him (my son) about how I thought it was nice that he wanted to share the story of his brothers, and I am always happy to talk about them with him, etc. He is honestly fine. I don't know if I will end the friendship with this woman over this or not.... I already knew she was insensitive like this. She has another friend who lost a baby (someone I don't know) and she actually mocked her for having cake and balloons on her angel's birthday, to my face, after I had lost my boys. I fully intend to have cake and balloons on my boys' birthday but you can bet she won't be there.

Annie, thanks for the reassurance that my son is processing in a healthy way. I'm so proud of him for how he's dealt with this experience but so sad that he has to lose this much innocence at such a young age.

Minna, the story of the daycare woman chastising Rowan is appalling, I hope you got as far away from her as quickly as you could! As if teaching kids to swallow tough emotions was a good idea. Sheesh, people can be so hurtful.

AahiRaahi's Mom, I love that your son says he carries his baby sister in his chest, what a sweet way to express what we all feel about our lost ones. I don't know how to go about introducing the concept of death, but I bet he will have an easier time wrapping his mind around it than you think. Kids can be so intuitive. I know my son had an easier time with the concept because my parents have a farm, so he is familiar with the idea that animals die. I don't know if he thinks it's different for people or not. He does sometimes say that he thinks the babies will come back, but I think he says that because he thinks it will make me happier. I'm trying not to over-explain things to him and just follow his lead.

Now I'm a bit scared about what kinds of messages my son might be getting from other people when I'm not around. He is only in preschool three days a week, and the teachers there are aware of our story and have been very supportive, but still. I should check in with them and see if he's talking about his brothers.

By coincidence I spent some time at my son's preschool today (for a sing-along with the music teacher). I arrived just in time to follow my son's class down the hall. They were all so excited to have their families coming to school. I heard several of the kids say "my baby is coming to school", all referring to younger siblings. One girl who is the youngest in her family piped up with "I don't have a baby", just matter of factly, not in a sad way. My son was too far ahead to hear the conversation, but it was like a knife to the heart. I don't know what he would have said if he had heard them, I don't know what he says if they say something about "their babies" at school. It just makes me so sad.

Well thats a shit way of dealing with it!

He is four, what the hell! You can't control what comes out of their mouths and maybe that was time to simply explain it to her son. My son is four and there are nice ways to expalin death to toddlers she didnt have to react like that.

I mean, at his age he know that Mufasa from the Lion King died or Nemo's mother so she could use that analogy, maybe that they are in heaven or the sky now, whatever her beliefs. She doesn't have to act like these things don't happen! The fact that they are friends means that he will somehwo be exposed to the fact that your son lost his siblings.

I am sorry you had to go through that.