Hi there. I'm new to this board, new to parenting a living child. Margot was born April 6. She's 10 days old. Our first baby Joseph was stillborn almost 16 months ago. Everything has been going so well with Margot... She was an obliging baby in utero, moving around a lot and predictably. She had a safe delivery with no complications. Anxiety has been present but mostly in check, a part of my brain we can make fun of. (Anne turned to me the other night and said, "I'm worried she's managed to roll over and now she can't breathe," and I said, "I'm worried she's thrown up and choked on it and died," and we laughed at ourselves.)

My mom came to stay with us for a few days to help out. She ran errands and cooked two huge batches of chili at my request (the second was veggie for Anne) and helped clean. And then yesterday morning I woke up and Anne said, "your mom is throwing up." It took a few minutes of talking before this settled in, and then it *really* settled in-- my mom was sick and we have a newborn and my mom touched everything and we ate her food and and and. I felt panicky. I cried. I thought for sure Margot would get it, that we'd have a trip to he hospita, iv fluids, shed die before our eyes.

I feel so crazy. Furious at my mom for eating sick, which is irrational. Heartbroken that our visit ende so badly (and that we had to throw out all the chili my mom had made). So so stressed out. I am tense at every feeding. Is Margot's latch strong enough? Is she eatin enough? Is she too sleepy and listless? How do you tell if a sleepin newborn is sleeping too much??

I'm feeling a good deal calmer now. My mom left and Anne scoured the house, and I got a nap in finally which helped. But it was just such a horrible, stressful day. I'm still paranoid Margot (or I) will get this stomach bug. And there's nothing to do except wait and see.

Thanks for listening.

The first month I was a complete mess. I was so not friendly to one of my best friends who came down from WY to take care of us the first week. My grief for Grace and all that we lost bubbled to the top with all those post-partum hormones. Also Rosabella and I had lots of breastfeeding issues. I felt like a failure as a Mom and I did not have any one with food poisoning touching everything and preparing my meals! From a medical standpoint food poisoning is rarely contagious, as long as good hygiene was used (which I am sure that your Mom has). My lactation consultant saved my sanity about feeding Rosabella (the ones in the hospital are well meaning, but honestly they were completely unhelpful). Here is a link to find a Lac Consultant in your area http://www.ilca.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3432. They generally travel to your home, so you don't have to go any where and they bring a super sensitive scale to weight Margot before and after a feeding and they evaluate her latch check for tongue or lip tie etc.

You are doing great! Margot is doing great! These early days are so hard. I promise it all gets easier and less emotional. I wish that I could send you some vegetarian chili to replace what you had to throw out! I do have a pretty easy (and very yummy) crock pot chili recipe if you want it for Anne to make!

I don't think it was food poisoning, I think it was a stomach virus. I'm feeling really confused today. Margot has been eating and peeing and pooping, but her feeding is different, more snacky and she just keeps falling asleep. I talked to a lactation consultant this afternoon and she wasn't worried about this event pattern or sleepiness. I took a nap and decided I should stop being so focused on minutes of eating and numbers of diapers and relax. But should I? Really? We have our 2 week pediatrician visit on Monday. That feels soon enough. I mostly feel like this worry is all me, plus I'm weepy and hormonal today. Ugh. What an emotional roller coaster!

Ugh. I remember phoning health links here in Canada after my son was born. He had a spot on his lip - I was so freaked out that someone kissed him and give him herpes and that he would die. I think the hormones, sleep deprivation and knowing how fragile life is post-loss can all create this perfect storm of anxiety. I don't have any advice but will just say you are an amazing mother who is doing her very best. Hang in there.

Burning Eye- Just keep doing what you are doing. Like Monique wrote, you are doing your very best and those early months are the hardest!! Bringing home a living child after a loss is a perfect storm of anxiety and fear coupled with the sleep deprivation, hormones, learning how to properly latch (OUCH), etc,!! Don't hesitate to call your peds office if you have a question or concern. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better. sending warm hugs to you and Anne.
xoxo

Burning Eye and Anne- I brought Cecilia home yesterday and I have been feeling the same way. My husband and I keep checking on her breathing since that was the reason she had to stay in the NICU. I always find myself thinking she will die. Also I'm afraid she won't gain enough weight, is sleeping too much, not feeding enough breastmilk, etc. It's very frustrating and I don't know what to tell you to comfort you. I guess we must all feel that way because of our history. I hope it gets better with time.

Regina - I think it does get better with time. I know I relaxed a lot more once they were a few months older - they're just so little and fragile when they're in that newborn stage. Hang in there.

Oh burning eye, I have expressed my congrats on your blog and say it here again.
Your fears, anxiety and paranoia are quite normal, I mean I still shake my four year old awake in the middle of the night with a biig push and "hey" to which he fusses, turns over and goes back to sleep. How can it not be there after what we have gone through. But lets just live in a land where Margot and Brady are going to be just fine. We must!