I'm sat in bed, cradling my milk drunk almost 4 week old baby before I put him back down to sleep. I'm so happy he's here with us. So in love and in awe of this baby boy who has already brought so much joy to so many people.

But as I listen to the dawn chorus outside my thoughts are also with my other little baby boy. The one who was still alive and kicking inside me this time last year. By the evening he would be dead inside me, although I didn't know it then. We got that devastating news the following day, 11th April 2013. My first baby's birthday, or more accurately, stillbirthday.
And while I feel so grateful for the tiny life I'm cuddling now I am so sad that I can't have both of my boys. My new baby is growing so quickly and I can't help but wonder what his big brother would have been like and I feel so so sad he's not here. But at the same time my new baby boy probably wouldn't be here if my first had lived. It's too much to contemplate at 5.30 in the morning after not a lot of sleep.

AsIs-I could have written this post a few years ago. Bringing home a rainbow is so complicated. Its wonderful and joyous but also bittersweet. This baby boy is because your other baby boy isn't. Time helps to soften those feelings of confusion and helps you fall head over heels for your living child. Milestones are never easy, the still birthday always bringing you back to that time. But the passing of time and your rainbow boy growing into a child helps ease the loss. Im sorry you're experiencing those early months of mixed emotions. Welcome little boy to this world. May you always know how much your mama wanted you, how brave she was to bring you into this world and how much she loves you.