Hello All,

We lost our son at 32 weeks two years ago and then my father-in-law passed away a year later from lung cancer. My daughter was 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 years old during those losses. We have done our best to explain death and heaven in age appropriate terms. We allow her to express her feelings when she needs it.

She is now 4 1/2 and has started to make comments such as "Mom, I don't want you to get old." I know where she's going with this...she's afraid I'm going to die. I try to calm her by saying things such as "I've got lots of years left." or "I'm not going anywhere honey." I feel so guilty that she knows this side of life at such a young age.

Otherwise, she is a happy and well-adjusted child. What has worked for you? How do you calm your child's fears about death? Have you found any resources that have helped your older children?

Thanks,
Heather

I think the appropriate response depends very much on the child and what you think is going to work for her and put her at ease. So my experience may not be right at all for you, but I give it to you as something to think about.

I came down on the hard reality side of death, growing up, growing old. Everyone dies. It is hard and sad when someone we love dies. But we are okay. We go on and live and survive and have a good life. We cry, we mourn and we keep going and we love and we laugh and we remember the one who died with love. If I died, here is what will happen to you and here are the people who will help you when you are sad. I don't want to die now, I don't plan on dying now, but if I had died, say yesterday (I always used a past tense example, finding it less emotional as it could not be true), this is what would be happening with you. I've got it under control and covered, with examples of how life is still good even though some of our people have died.

I hope this gives you something to think about. These are hard concepts to teach our children. Good luck!

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. It's hugely helpful for my young children. My kids ask questions often. We speak openly about our faith - my husband is a minister. I find it crushing that all of our living children intimately know of death, well before they should have cause to.

Jill and Annie,

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. Yes, we have taught her to remember her brother and grandpa with love and memories as best as she can. In fact, she seems to deal with her grief over those losses very well. Much better than many adults I know.

She is such a sensitive kid and still so young that I'm afraid to go down the path that I will in fact die someday. I worry that I will just make her fears worse.

I will definitely check out the book. It sounds really good. And I think our conversations will continue to evolve as she grows of course. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for the kids.

Thank you again!
Heather

May daughter was at the same age when her sister died and she is now about to turn 4. Her asking about death and dying has become much more frequent, too. She has also asked me to promise to her that I won't die. It's hard to respond, especially because these questions come so out of the blue, when I least expect them.

We used to tell her that people and animals die when they get old. She asked why her sister died then, she wasn't old, right? So we told her that sometimes people die when they are not well. That got her worried about getting sick. Ugh.

I found some consolation this: I have spoken to two friends about this, they both have kids the same age. Their families have not experienced the loss of a loved one in recent years. Yet, these kids ask the same questions. Sometimes have the same worries. Maybe it is part of growing up - grasping the concept of life and death. It is a big thing to get your head around.

I find that our daughter is a happy and very confident kid, too, so I'm hoping that she is just fine. I try to be truthfulwith her, without sugarcoating but without unnecessary brutal honesty. When these questions come, I make sure she gets my full attention and we take a little time to sit and talk. Not sure how well we are doing, but I'll continue to try. I'm sure you'll find your way through this, too. Love,

Hi Heather,
One of my living children went through some phases of intense fear of death. I tried to reassure him by telling him that I was not likely to die right now, or get sick. (He was afraid of that too.) We read "Freddie the leaf" which is a good story for kids explaining that we all go when our time comes. We also read "I love you forever" because I felt it reassured him that most people do die when they are "older than grand-ma". But he needed more. He needed to know what was going to happen to him and his brothers if we did die. Who was going to take care of them? He even asked us individually (at the age of 6!) if we wanted to be cremated or buried. These are questions that I hadn't even discussed with DH.
My therapist told me that kids that age don't usually understand death as a permanent state, but our kids do unfortunately.
It's tough for them but it's so tough on us Moms too.

My four year old (who was three when her sister died) was very concerned about me or her dad dying....because she was worried about "who will make me breakfast if you die!" I had a hard time not laughing or crying at that because it was so much simpler than I imagined. I was able to reassure her that even if we died, someone would take care of her. I hate that our kids already know so much about death. :(