I think I've almost always posted here on glow when I'm struggling. Often when I've been flailing around in my sea of grief. That's not what this post is about tonight. With that said, I'm still in my sea of grief. Treading water most days, the good days. Occasionally struggling to stay above surface for sure. But this post is about me finding my thing. The thing that lately has proven to be a healthy, healing outlet. Ethan died May 2012 - it's not lost on me that his second birthday is approaching. And four days later the second anniversary of his death.

I desperately, instinctually, wanted to ttc after Ethan died. Medically I could ttc. But my husband wants no part of ttc or future babies. So, when most occupy themselves with ttc, pregnancy and caring for those sought after "rainbow" babies, I have felt lonely to be honest. I've been searching for a concrete way to solidify the beauty and love that Ethan offered us. Last year i raised $2,500 for the March of Dimes in Ethan's name. But the march for babies experience was more than unpleasant for me. So this year I've been looking for my thing. The thing that will allow me to shout him out loud while improving the world. And I think I've found it.

This Saturday, March 22, I'm hosting a blood drive and bone marrow registry drive in Ethan's memory. So far I have over 70 people scheduled to donate blood - all going to Boston children's hospital. Potentially saving a number of lives and also saving that amazing hospital $28,000 (who knew blood was so expensive). Each cheek swab the marrow drive gets grows the registry people turn to who need a life saving bone marrow transplant.

I've been able to occupy myself with the preparations for Saturday. To shout him out loud and be the proud mom that I am, but who lost most chances to do so when he died in my arms. I cannot tell you how wonderful and affirming it is to see his name in print in the article the local paper did on the drive. Or how beautiful it is to see his face on the promotional materials posted around town.

He's my son. I'm his mom. And we are making a difference for the better. Here's to hoping Saturday goes smoothly.

I love this, Annie. Thank you for doing it and thank you for sharing. What a wonderful way to share Ethan and your love for him. Hopefully, your efforts will help connect donors with people who need their life saving marrow. Amazing gift. Go get 'em!

Thank you for sharing this- your words about not ttc, about Ethan, and wanting to find your thing. I'm glad you found it- for this year at least. I find every year I'm at a different place with what to do to honor and remember. I'm happy that Ethan's name will be present in such a large way. Wishing you much success and peace on Saturday. Xo

Annie, I know Ethan must be so happy that you are his mommy. What a beautiful way to tell your son you love him, and to let that love do good things and help the world around you. With love to you and Ethan,
Jen and AdiaRose

What a wonderful idea. I'm so glad you've found your "thing" and I hope it all goes well and is a more positive experience than the March of Dimes was for you. If I was still in Boston, I'd be joining you on Saturday. I'll be telling my friends who are still in town, though, in hopes that they may stop by for your Ethan in memory of him and my Charlotte.

xoxo, mama. Let us know how it goes!

Oh Annie. I'm so sorry. I wish he was here.
I hope the drive goes well! What a great idea!
I'm been thinking a few things to do at the local hospitals...kind of a care package in Mira's name.
Do you ever drive by my neck of the woods?

Such a lovely post Annie. You are doing an amazing thing, both my girls had multiple blood transfusions, it makes so much difference.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope that everything goes ahead smoothly. Remembering your son, Ethan xo

Thank you all for the support. Catherine - Ethan. Had many transfusions as well, and transfusions helped save my life during that c-section that went awry. This is why I feel connected to this cause.

I'm feeling a bit anxious about tomorrow if I'm honest. But excited too. The hospital called tonight and said they couldn't be more pleased with the number of donors on schedule. So that feels good.

My sister is likely bailing on tomorrow - continued disappointment in that relationship. My husband accidentally double booked himself tomorrow and won't be at the drive until early afternoon -- but he will come for the later part.

The drive happen in our hometown of whitman, ma just outside of Boston.

Tomorrow we will do great things in the name of our babies.

Hi Annie- I'm thinking of you and Ethan today! Please let us k ow how your drive went! Love and big hugs, Jen and AdiaRose

Thank you all for the love, support and kindness offered my way. Today was a resounding success - 100 people came out to donate blood today. We had to turn about 10 people away today because we ran out of space/time. 90 tried to donate blood, a few weren't able for various reasons (ie. anemia -- myself included) but the vast majority gave a pint of blood for the babies and children at Boston Children's Hospital. I had plans to take pictures with most donors I knew, and that went out the window when i realized how busy i was. Today was amazing - Ethan's Love was spread and the ripples continue. The hospital has asked us to host this drive twice a year due to the turnout - saying it was one of their highest turnouts to date. Friends from childhood I haven't seen since high school graduation walked in the door. Friends from graduate school, former colleagues, strangers from the street, people in town who had heard about it, family, fellow church members, new friends, old friends...all walked in the door to donate and remember our son. The drive was capped off by one of the phlebotomists thanking me for the drive, saying "today was beautiful" and going on to ask where such beauty came from. My simple answer was "my son." Thank you all for remembering Ethan with us. In 4 short days, he is shaping the world for the better.

Your most recent post brought tears to my eyes! What a great success, what a wonderful way of honouring your baby boy. What an amazing mother you are and how fantastic that you are doing such a thing for your community. Annie, I'm so happy that it went well and yet so sad that it had to be done at all. Remembering Ethan and feeling so proud of you. x

Well said, Shelby's Mum!
Annie and Ethan, that is great news! We are so proud of both of you!
Love,
Jen and AdiaRose

Such a lovely tribute, Annie! Remembering Ethan with you!

Annie, that is amazing! Thinking of you and Ethan.

So touching, so inspiring, Annie. I'm sorry Ethan is not with you, but so glad you honored him and spread his love this way. His light will shine on in so many lives. Thank you for sharing this story.

Annie, I'm so glad it went well. What a beautiful tribute to Ethan, and to know he is so remembered and loved and honored. I'm so sorry he's not here in your arms.

xoxo

Truly touching and inspirational. Thank you for sharing and loving your son through service to others. You are a beautiful Mom. Ethan feels and watches all that you do in his honor. Congratulations on your successful blood drive!!

That is brilliant Annie - so many people coming to donate in Ethan's memory! Such an important cause as well.

Only reading this now Annie - Massive congratulations on all you and Ethan's hard work and success. It was a fantastic idea and such an outstanding yeild. Blood products are priceless and truely are the difference in life and death for so many people of all ages. Countless people will be better off because of you and Ethan.

I think you are right in believing this was a perfect fit for you. This is a prime example of how to turn our pain into power for good and how our babies legacies can live on forever and shape a world despite their physical absence.

So hope you managed to take some healing, joy, pride and comfort from your endeavour - you deserve it.

Again congrats and well done!

Thanks Lucy! Final count was enough blood to help up to 248 children. Our babies, here physically or not, have shaped the world. I dare say I'm proud of myself. Here's to hoping the healing offered through this experience will be a salve to rough days ahead. Thanks again all. For remembering Ethan with me. For cheering me on. And for allowing Glow to be a space to hold positive feelings too. Much love...