I lost my daughter Janice at the age of 3 on Boxing Day 2012. Her father and I decided to have another baby and conceived in May 2013. Baby Abbygail was born January 22, 2014 and I just don't seem to have the same connection or bond with her that I did with her sister. I am trying to tell myself it is because I am still healing from the c-section or that it is because I am still grieving Janice but I worry that it won't change.

Don't misunderstand. I love Abbygail. I cuddle her, I take care of her, I swaddle her and everything else that moms are suppose to do but I don't know how to really explain it. It just doesn't feel the same as it did with Janice and I find that sometimes holding and cuddling Abbygail makes me want to cry because I miss Janice and want Janice to be here with us too. My family of 3 should be a family of 4.

I am pumping because Abbygail like her sister although for different reasons won't go to the source. With Janice I even felt different about pumping. With Abbygail it is almost feeling like a chore. I don't know if I am just broken or is this something some of you have also experienced.

Tsukia, even though our experiences are different boy to I hear you!

I lost my first child, our son R after I went I to premature labour and my waters broke at 23 weeks. He was stillborn but I had such a strong bond with him when I held him.

We brought home his younger brother D last July and he is now a beautiful 6 month old but I never had the immediate feeling of the bond with D like I did with R. D was an elective section because he was breech and I do think the physical recovery from that played a part but ultimately I don't think I allowed myself to think " I have a lifetime to get to know D, I don't need to rush this". I felt I HAD to have that bond straight away in case we lost him too.

6 months in and I'm still learning. Something I feel sometimes is that I wanted R in the naive way that everyone does when you first get pregnant before you join this club. After his loss, as well as the want I NEEDED D. I put a huge amount of pressure on myself because he was so precious to me that I didn't (still don't) cut myself enough slack.

The only time I really feel I'm getting it right is when someone randomly tells me how cute/happy/healthy looking he is and then I allow myself a moment to relax and think I'm doing alright!

Janice will have taught you a lot about being a parent and her little sister will get so much benefit of your experience but in her own right she will teach you more about parenting a second child. You will always parent them both.

With regard to pumping and breast feeding, I actually switched to formula much earlier with D than I wanted but emotionally I found feeding and pumping so draining that it didn't have enough energy left. It was the toughest decision I ever made and my dh was very supportive. I sometimes wish I had persevered for longer but it did allow me to get some energy. back to engage with my baby and allow those bonds to form.

Be gentle to yourself and abbygail, and remembering Janice with you x

I know this is not the same, but I will share my story in case it helps. My second daughter was stillborn, and I have since had a baby boy. With him, I felt an immediate, intense bond. I think it was the same with my stillborn daughter - I had bonded with her so deeply in my pregnancy (my pregnancy with her followed 2 miscarriages and I was desperate for a baby) and then knew that I would have so very little time with her, that the time I did have with her in the hospital was charged with love (and pain and sorrow and fear). But...with my first daughter, who was born before I had any inkling of baby-death, it took me a long time to really bond. I loved her and was very interested in her, but also felt quite detached and worried about it a lot, worried that there was something wrong with me as a mother. THen one day, out of the blue, when she was probably about 8 weeks old, I was flooded with love of a different kind. Nothing had changed outwardly, but everything was different for me, and from then on the bond between us has been strong and perfect.

I know this is a very different scenario, since it was with my first, living child with no real associated trauma (though her birth was by emergency c-section and I wondered about the effect of that), and there is no real comparing of our situations. But, it does show that even in the most 'straightforward' of births, bonding is not as immediate and sure and beautiful and natural as we are often led to believe. Add to that the trauma and sorrow associated with the death of a child and the intense strain and anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy (I will go to my grave saying that my pregnancy with my son was the most tense and anxious time of my life, I think) and...well, be gentle with yourself. Be very, very gentle with yourself. Sending some love your way. Remembering your Janice.

I am sorry that things are different than you had hoped. I do think that every baby is different and the bonding is different. Plus add grieving your Janice to the mix and things get complicated quickly. Also exclusive pumping! Yikes. Have you met with a lactation consultant about breastfeeding? Not one of the hospital ones, but a good private one (http://www.ilca.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3337) is a source for finding one.

Take it easy on yourself!

Tsukui,
I think you are brave to have another baby after losing your precious Janice. I think I checked out your websight once and was fortunate to see pictures and posts about her life. (I apologize if I'm mistaken.)
You are a good Mom.
You have courage to be honest and I can always pick that quality out of posts very quickly because I value it so very much.
You are not broken. You are going through and experience ridden with conflict. I think what you are feeling is normal given the circumstances.
I want you to encourage you to continue on. Pumping blows. I hated it. One day you will feel more whole and healed compared to today. It won't always be like this. Your love for Janice will never change in intensity and your love for Abbygail will be strong and experienced in different ways as she grows and changes.
Sending love and hope and healing thoughts.

Thank you all for your responses. Abbygail is now a month and a half and we are starting to bond more like I did with Janice. She even decided to nurse, all on her own. I am relaxing and I think she is picking up that I am relaxing and she in turn is also relaxing.