I know I should be happy for my older son's (Maverick) birthday and I am. Really I love him so much. How could I not be? But exactly 2 months ago I had to deliver my son Kolt who passed away inside me and I just don't know how I'm going to manage to plaster on that happy face for Maverick when I feel so lost and empty.

Two weeks after Ethan died in my arms I decorated birthday cupcakes and sang happy birthday to one of his brothers, who was turning 1 (they were Irish twins). I faked the entire day. I remember looking at Ryan and thinking "how nice for Ryan. That he's one and it's his birthday." I was very separated from his birthday, and still in shock over Ethan's death.

I don't know how we get through the days we do. But we do. You aren't alone...

So sorry Kayla, I remember the first birthday after my son's passing. I was 2.5 months out. My eldest just turned 5. We kept it very low-key, because we hardly knew anyone as we had just moved. I'm not gonna lie it was a very sad day for me on so many levels but like Annie, I just kept myself busy decorating cupcakes and such. I also felt very grateful oddly enough, that I had other children and that they were still alive. (I know people keep telling us we should feel grateful because they want to minimize our pain, but to be frank, when I lost my son, I kept thinking "Thank God this wasn't my first. It was already so incredibly painful to grieve my dead child, but I really didn't know how I would have gone on if I didn't have my living children to cuddle and kiss.
Sending you strength Kayla.
Annie, wow 2 weeks, that must have been so incredibly tough. But then again there is nothing easy about your child dying. Life after that is so tough and complicated. Almost unbearable sometimes.

Thank you guys so much for your help. I went over the norm with presents. My mom got on to me saying he didn't "need" all those presents and he didn't but I did. I know that's not the best way to handle things but all I could think was I'll never get to buy Kolt legos or video games or anything that he'll get ever actually get to play with. I guess I was buying presents for both. Maybe I just felt guilty that I wasn't as happy as I felt I should be but I managed. I faked it. Maybe that will be my new motto. Fake it till you make it lol.