Hello ladies (and dudes if some of you are reading!)
Tomorrow my little man Ysmael turns one year old. Last year, his birth was no doubt the happiest day of my life. Finally holding hm and the labour and delivery experience was amazing. He's amazing and doing great and brought so much joy and healing, but my heart feels really heavy.
In March, we're going to commemorate (not celebrate unfortunately), my third son's birth and passing (2 years ago). My older living children are very excited about Ysmael's birthday. My husband is away for a couple of weeks, and it's just going to be me and the kids.
I've been very weepy and sad lately. I think it's because of Ysmael's birthday. I've been working out like crazy (which is VERY unlike me) hoping the sadness would go away.
Any thoughts or experience you'd like to share?

Oh Karine, I am right there with you. My rainbow just celebrated his first Birthday last weekend. I must say, I was surprised by how hard it was to navigate through. I was overjoyed and extremely sad at the same time. As much as I tried not to, all I could think was "wow, so this is what I (we) missed with our first born". Every single milestone my rainbow passes seems to bring this up. I just hope that my rainbow is not "damaged" by the fact that I carry my saddness for his brother in my joy that he (my rainbow) brings. Does that make sense?

At the same time, I still feel so very isolated and alone in all of this. No one understands the daily inner struggles I have. Not even my husband. I regularly am told that I am just making things worse by, say reading Glow or babyloss blogs. What none of them understand is that this is where I feel I belong. This is where I am not misunderstood. This is where I find comfort.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel ya! I am right where you are and it is difficult in the very least. I wish I had some insight or advice to give, but I am at a loss myself. So, I will offer virtual hugs instead. HUGS!!!!!!

.....and a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YSMEAL!

(I can't believe I left that out.)

Rosabella's first is still a few months away, but I am constantly realizing all the things I was cheated with Grace. Her first smile, her laughing, nursing her, changing her, smelling her sweet baby smell first thing in the morning. I hope that the loss I am feeling on Rosabella's birthday does not hit me until after the festivities are over. Hugs to you Karine and Happy, Happy First Birthday Ysmeal!

Thank you for the support. I just realized that I didn't have to explain the range of emotions that I'm going through because you have been going through the same things. Your words and hugs help tremendously. It's good to feel I'm not totally crazy, and you ladies know the sadness has nothing to do with lack of gratefulness. In fact, it's the opposite.

EJB, happy birthday to Rhys too!
Grace's Mom, thank you for "getting" it too.
I wish I could both hug you in real life, cuddle your babies and shed a few tears over our sweet sweet children.