I am so superstitious. It rules my life some times. When I was pregnant with my rainbow I wouldn't wear the maternity clothes I wore with G. I was afraid of the pajamas I wore the night he died, I ate the same thing every night before I went to bed for 38 weeks (even in the hospital when I was being induced), my behaviors borderline on OCD. Even now with a seemingly healthy almost 4 month old and I am still in fear. Not every second of everyday like before but often. He sleeps in a co-sleeper next to me and I sleep with my hand on his chest. I am scared he is going to die too.
Do any of you experience this? How do you deal with it?

God the fear, yes I know how that feels!

I'm not a superstitious person at all but when my rainbow was born I struggled so much to allow myself to have any faith that he could go to sleep and wake up again if I wasn't watching the whole time.

After 2 months of me just not sleeping my husband implemented a shift system of sending me to bed at 8pm and he would stay up with D till around 2am then come up to bed. I would then be awake from the 3 am night feed but at least I got some sleep and over time D has dropped his night feeds (he's 6 months now) and I mostly sleep well.

I was lucky that D was happy taking a bottle so dh could help so much but I remember that paralysing fear of holding another dead baby. The only reason I trusted dh was because he felt the same and I trusted him to be (nearly) as watchful as me!

Over time it is getting better, D is a robust chunky baby and I have started to have a bit more faith in his ability to stay alive. It's so tough but take some deep breaths and remind yourself how much your baby has grown already, and that whatever your parenting style, if they are growing and happy then you are doing great.

X

I certainly had fears and have fears about something happening to Rosabella. I think that is why co-sleeping works so well for me, I have her cuddled right there all night long and can feel her breathing. However of you are finding that your superstitions or compulsions are getting in the way of parenting I would not hesitate to go for therapy. My hypnotherapist and I talked a lot about this when I was pregnant and if I would need any "touch ups" later. So far I feel like I am doing okay, but I have her number if I ever need her. Much love to you Katie and little men.

I have fears that my living children will die. When they are sick the fears are stronger. Two of my living children are severe asthmatics and have been in severe respiratory distress after Ethan's death. I've been able to hold my shit together, but I do work closely with our pediatrician's office. They understand I have PTSD and have been unbelievably supportive in checking them out, just for reassurance. Giving me emergency meds in case they need them on the way to the ER, offering to hospitalize them when things are up in the air medically.

I know that the details of your concerns may look different than mine, but the theme is the same I think. It's understandable. But I do think we deserve support with this part of our grief and healin as well. For a while I did therapy and some medication (for depressive symptoms actually) and currently I work closely with our pediatrician's office with any concerns. It helps me. And I will take that. Hope you find some relief from anxieties, understandable as they may be. They are still unsettling.

The snuza go monitor is the only way I get sleep. I couldn't function without it.

Absolutely, " normal" ... I have no idea what that means anymore.
If your new child is only 4 months old please be easy on yourself - its tough enough without all the obvious baggage we all share.
It's nearly 3 years for me now. My baby"rainbow" Sam is 17 months old and still sleeps on angel care mivement monitor , in good weeks I am brave and turn it off , but if he gets a cold I sleep on the floor in his bed room ( better than not sleeping in mine!)
I think the way you feel is completely understandable Katie . The knowledge of what can happen to anyone is further forwards in our minds ( most people just don't have it on their radar) it will get better .
Little steps and do what you feel YOU can live with. Sod everyone else.
Take care xx