I just feel really tired and emotional. My almost 4 year old lately is a real handful- she has 2 modes- being entertained or being naughty. My rainbow baby boy has a bit of a phlegmy cough (his first inkling of any sickness yet) so I'm sleeping next to him at night and every time he moves I'm awake, paranoid that something is going to happen to him. And I am constantly thinking of Shelby at the moment. I missed her so much over Christmas, I couldn't really enjoy the day because she wasn't there- will it always be like this? I hate that I had to fake being joyful for the sake of our family. Her 2nd "birthday" is at the start of March and I'm already dreading the emotional fall out that it will no doubt bring. Sorry. Just feeling a bit down today. And then I feel guilty about feeling down because I have these 2 great kids and should just be happy and grateful. Sometimes I just want my brain to switch off.

Shelby's Mum - I don't have anything really helpful to say or contribute, except to say I can relate to how you are feeling...and having just passed the two year mark, I recognize the feelings of dread. I'm here listening. And there's no need to feel grateful all the time...we don't expect that of the people who haven't experienced the trauma and stress and grief that we have so how could it be for us? Such a weird paradox to me that idea, which I feel is so prevalent: that we are to eternally grateful when we have lived through and survived the worst. But that is my particular bone to pick with the grief after stillbirth narrative....Like I said, I'm here listening and sending love.

I get where you are at. This spring will be two years for Ethan's birthday and our loss. My 2-year-old son (Ethan's Irish twin, born less than a year before Ethan was born) has been complaining of eye pain for two weeks now. Two sick visits to Harvard med professors, 3 medications later, and I'm trying to talk myself down from worrying he has cancer.

It would be nice if we could be gentle with ourselves as we navigate parenting after loss. It's a tall order, but we all deserve some peace I think.

Hang in there Shelby's Mum. We are hear for you.

Sometimes it all just feels like too much, too much stress, too much work, too much grief. I love my living daughter and cannot imagine life without her, but the lack of sleep, working full time and trying to be "super" mom takes it;s toll. Make sure to take time for you! Even after something a small as a nice long shower I feel so much more human and ready to keep going.

Shelby's Mum, you could've reached right into my brain and said exactly what I've been feeling. I haven't been here in months because I needed to "unplug" but it's comforting just to see all of your names, as I have never stopped thinking of you. I'm exhausted as well...my 3 year old is asking so many more questions about her sister that she never knew and I love that she's getting to "know" her, but it makes my heart so heavy that she's not here! My little one who was born a year and a week after Grace has her first pretty bad cold and I am terrified that she will just disappear from me. I had fears when my first was a baby, but nothing like the absolute terror of going through loss again. It makes me so tired to worry all the time, when I wish I was living in the moment and enjoying my two little ones. I don't take any moment with them for granted, and the guilt for feeling not present is always there. We should give ourselves permission for these feelings, but it's hard. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I know how you feel. " normal " parents are knackered and I feel I have so much less spare/ reserve energy. So much of ourselves is taken up by keeping going, not falling apart .
The time when am all there enough to smell the roses feels like seconds snatched instead of hours lingered.