Tomorrow is Anja's second 'birthday.' I am having such a hard time figuring out what to do about it. I had envisioned going to the beach with some friends, and maybe putting flowers in the water, or letting balloons or lanterns go, and going back to our place for cake. But then we were stranded for most of last week on the other side of the country due to bad weather and cancelled flights and as soon as we got home we had to hit the ground running with school and birthday parties and activities for our eldest, and so I feel I didn't have time or space to plan anything special. And then a part of me resists the whole scenario I envisioned: I don't want to put flowers in the water and let balloons go: it's such a...grief-y thing to do; it's so much about her death. Or is it?? I don't know. I can't sort out what is celebrating and what is mourning and what I want to do or should do or feel like doing. I think if it was just my husband and I we would do nothing but be sad together, talk about Anja, maybe go for a walk and dinner, but I feel like I have to do something more for my living daughter - I want her to see how we remember and honour her sister's very brief life; I want her to not be confused about how she has a sister but her sister isn't here; I want her to see that we love all our children. Most of all I want her to feel safe and loved and not confused - though I know the latter is probably totally impossible. And then I wonder if 'celebrating' Anja's birthday is not just inherently confusing to her anyway? Is it really the best thing to do? Maybe we should just remark on it, sit with it for a moment at the breakfast table, buy some daffodils and carry on with our regular life...Maybe making a 'big deal' out of it is too much for E? Man, I wish there was a manual for this!! E and I have talked about baking a cake, so maybe we will just do that...

I just needed to vent. I feel like I will never get this 'right.' I feel like I will always wonder what is too much and what is not enough...how do we honour and love her in a way that is healthy for our living children? I believe strongly in acknowledging Anja as part of our family and E definitely sees her as her sister (M is still way too little to know anything), but I find myself struggling so often with knowing how to 'fit her in' (for lack of a better way of putting it - that sounds awful).

I'm just so sad today. I can't believe it's been two years. I can't believe she was here and then gone. I still can't believe that this happened to her, to me, to us.

I guess it all boils down - as it always, always does - to: "I just wish she didn't die. I just wish I didn't have to know about or deal with any of this."

Hi JLD-I totally understand what you are going through.
We just endured the first anniversary of our sons passing and I didn't know what to do. It was
Too cold and snowy to plant anything, or do Balloons etc. and I don't feel like celebrating on those days either.
What I have been doing is just waiting for that day to come, and somehow something always comes Together-usually through my living daughter who is 4. I want her to know she had a brother but I don't want her to feel the constant pain that her father and I do when it comes to honoring his life. I deeply believe that he communicates with and through her, so I ask her what he wants us to do. Or she will simply come up with something that i always end up
Feeling is perfect.
For Christmas, she just put a few gifts in his stocking, and she chose 2
Ornaments for him. I like to keep it sime
So I follow her lead.
I'm sorry if this doesn't help but I do understand your frustration, and anger in how much it a sucks to have to think of this at all. We lost our babies, it is not ok, but somehow we struggle to normalize it bc we want them to know we will never
Forget them and they will always be a huge part
Of our family.

Thank you for this post. I struggle with this too. I lost my first daughter, and my second was born a year and a week later, so the first year I was able to do our own thing (because it was before Julia was born), and on the second birthday Julia was about to turn one. Now as she gets older, I wonder what to do. I have found when I've expressed the uncertainty to people in my support group they say: Everyone is different. Be gentle with yourself. Do whatever feels right to you... But I find this difficult! It would be easier if we just had a manual, like you said.

In the Jewish tradition, we mark the anniversary of someone's death with a prayer and lighting a candle. Because the Hebrew calendar doesn't coincide with the English one, I was able to have a sad/mourning time on the Hebrew date and I made the birthday a time to do something for others, not necessarily celebratory, but a good deed of sorts. I can't bring myself to make a cake or even say the words Happy Birthday because she died three hours after delivery- it was and is certainly not a happy birth day.

I get you totally about not wanting to do "grief-y" things like a balloon release- that never appealed to me. What we have done the past two birthdays is create a birthday box (buy all the things for a kid's birthday party who is in a shelter with their family). I only know of this organization in Los Angeles that does this: http://www.birthdayboxproject.org/Birthday_Box_Project/Home.html

But we have since moved, so I guess I might buy a few presents and donate them. That could be something more joyful to do with Julia as she gets older too- so it's a way to honor her sister and we get the feeling of doing something for her that also benefits someone else.

Not sure if you were looking for ideas, but I wanted to share that. Xoxo

On Janice's birthday, her first since passing and she would have been 4 years old; Several family members released balloons for her.
My one sister-in-law has three kids aged 3, 4, and 6 and this is a message she sent me a few months afterwards when I thanked her for keeping Janice in her children's lives

"Yes. When they're older I dont know if they will remember her or just remember the pictures and what I tell them but she will be present in our lives even if she isnt present. We will always release balloons on her birthday. They really liked sending balloons to her. She will never be forgotten in my house"

It still brings tears to my eyes to think about all the birthdays that I won't get to have for Janice but at least once a year I know someone apart from my spouse, myself and any other children we may have is remembering my little girl.

Tsukia, that is so lovely that your family honours Janice in that way; I hope it didn't sound in my message as though I was judging balloon releases...it's just something I can't wrap my head around this year, this time.

Thank you all for your responses. I so needed to hear from others...I baked a cake and E and I will decorate it this afternoon. So far no family has called, but some good friends have texted and emailed. I just find it such a struggle, how to keep her 'alive' in our family, and sometimes - though I hate, hate, hate to admit this - I wish I didn't have to try; sometimes I wish I could just forget.

But she was here. On this day, two years ago, I held her sweet little body in my arms and kissed her sweet, sweet skin. She is my daughter.

Happy Birthday Anja...a day late, but offered with so much love just the same. Anja is your daughter, will always be that and more.

Having Anja's sibling decorate her cake is a beautiful memory you offer your other child. We did the same thing on Ethan's birthday last May. I think it brought a tangible aspect to this surreal grief. His sister and brothers never met him, but they did add the sprinkles to his cupcakes...and knew who they were doing it for.

JLD - saw your comment yesterday...please know i sang her happy birthday from Boston and offered peace to you throughout the day. I"m proud of you, you made it through another day.

JLD, I feel exactly the same as you. I want to do grief-y things and then I don't. I just want to be sad with my husband. On that day, I think I will talk to my two older boys about their brother who died, and have a conversation. I'd like to know what they remember of those days, what they think about now, and how they have digested our so sad but so beautiful family story. I'd like them to decide what they want to do, if they want to do something. 2 years later, it's easier for me to talk to them without falling apart. But still there are details I'd rather leave out for now, we'll see...
Our two-year anniversary is in 2 months, our rainbow's first birthday in 2 weeks, and I can feel the wave of grief rising already.
Thinking of you and Anja.

Shelby's birthday is in around 6 weeks. I've decided I will visit the cemetery with flowers and a cupcake (same as last year) but I will also buy a gift in her memory and donate it to the local charity shop. I plan on doing this every year and for Christmas as well.

Because we have other children, we decided to make Freddie's birthday a happy family day, as it should have been. We always go out, find somewhere to be and make it special. At night I light 8 candles, one of each of us and out them in a circle on our lawn. I light candles to put across out door step. At 3 years out, there is some comfort in having a tradition as such. I put candles in my window each night he was alive and then across the door again on the day of his death, but I don't mark or think of that day in any other way.

It's taken some time but I decided I had to try and make his birthday about finding some joy in what he have us, even though we lost so much. It's an act of will, but we manage.

Xxx