In many ways I'm so thankful that we have our older son (4 yrs). He is always able to make us laugh and is so sweet, he has definitely helped us in our grief over our lost twin sons. I know many people on here have lost their first born child, and I realize that must be incredibly hard. But I hate that having a preschooler means I am constantly surrounded by so much easy fertility! Every preschool drop off means crossing paths with families of 3+ kids, pregnant women, etc. Lots of the other kids in my sons' class already have a younger sibling and another on the way! We wanted some space between our kids but now I feel like my son will be in high school before (if) he gets a sibling.

All the other parents in his class know about our loss (there was an email that was sent out, and lots of people offered support), but now I feel like a leper, like they are scared my bad luck will rub off on them. Yesterday I was standing in the hall next to two pregnant women waiting for pick up and they were trading birth stories and comparing bellies and it was so awful. :( I know I'll never be that carefree pregnant person who gets pregnant on a whim and is blissfully optimistic for 9 months. It feels so unfair.

I understand ememers. We lost our fourth baby and our third started school just after he died. People constantly assume I am grateful to have finally "got them all off to school" that we we are not still trying to have another. And since I will never get pregnant again - my partner Leah will, I am heartbroken by all the big bellies and complaints about symptoms I would love to have.

I feel the same way. I drop off and pick up my 4 year old from preschool and I get in and out as fast as possible. Many of his classmates have younger siblings who are there and it makes it impossible for me to hang around without being in pain for the babies we have lost. The worst for me was overhearing that one of the baby siblings of a classmate is named Leo - my second baby's name. There he is, a little living Leo while our Leo is dead and buried. It's awful.

Oh, Lhotse, your story is heartbreaking. I dread the day I meet another child with one of my boys' names, I know I will fall apart. And NZAnna, knowing that you will never be pregnant again must add another layer of grief, even if your partner gets to carry a rainbow. There is so much that is so indescribably sad and hard in our lives.

Ememers, I totally understand. I was at a holiday party for my almost 3 year old at her preschool a couple weeks back and all three women at our table had an infant at home. None of them knew of my loss and listening to their stories made me so sad and envious. My eldest daughter's grade had a parents party right two weeks before I had Maggie and I spent a lot of the night sitting with the three other pregnant moms. It is hard to be at pickup with their babies and not think of Maggie and how much I miss her. So much sorrow. :(