My son is nearly 18 months, his brother would have been 3 and his sister is 5. We lost our first boy at 3 weeks, he was born at 24 weeks and just had too much to cope with. He never lived with us, but always in NICU hooked up to machines, cared for mostly by others. We spent as much time as we could there, talking to him, changing him, just being there. But I was never in charge, never fully had the chance to take care of him as I had his sister. I only held him once when he was alive, then again as he died.
I have been full time mum to my second son, but know that I need time apart from him to be me, to start my business properly again, to have time to refresh and use my head. That part of me would like to put him in childcare for a day a week. This would also help him in socialising, discovering things I don't know, play and more. But, I'm scared of him not being with me or my partner. He has only spent a few hours with other people. Has anyone been here? How did you move on? Thanks

I'm 20+ years out from the death of my daughter and I have two other children, older now, who where toddlers at the time of her death.

The only way I have been able to deal with fear that goes as deep as yours sounds is to face it head on. Fear such as this means you are confronting a life and death situation. So, where is the death in this? There is nothing specific or you could identify it. The death here is that yes, children can die of things we cannot know or foresee. So this is a real life and death situation in that if your son goes away from you, he could die. That's real. The risk is low, but still real.

The next question is - is providing you and your children with independence and separate experiences worth risking death? That is something only you can answer. What are your priorities, what are your values? What makes life worth living, what do you want for your children?

Again, is it worth risking death? The answer is sometimes . . . yes. Giving all of you this type of life is worth the risk. The risk is real, but low. The gains are great. That would, and has been, my own answer. What is yours? If you don't do this, what is risked, what is lost?

I also know it can feel very silly to be giving these fears this much attention. We all think we should return to the same rationality that we had before our child died. But our reality has changed and this is part of it. We know death is real and waiting. So we have to account for it in our thinking. It sounds morbid to anyone who hasn't been here. Heck, it sounds morbid to us often too! But it's not. It's reality.

Best of luck to you as you work your way through this one! There are also practical steps to take, such as separating gradually, finding a way to check up on the kids without them knowing it, etc. You'll get there!

Love,

Jill A.

PhilM, I understand these feelings. I have one living son, N, a four year old, my firstborn. I've since lost two babies halfway through pregnancy and since these losses feel much more anxiety about something happening to N, especially when he's away from me at preschool. I don't really know what to suggest but just want to say that you're not alone. Typically when a worry pops into my head I let it go on for a minute and then make myself set it aside. I tell myself that all we have is this moment, anything could happen but nothing bad probably will - and worrying won't change what happens in any case. Hoping you find a way to balance your fears...

I also have these fears with my second daughter, after losing our first. I try really hard to enjoy the moments I have with her because we never really know with any of our loved ones how long we have with them in this life. One thing I think about is how positive thinking may not effect an outcome, but I do believe it helps me in the journey, so I've tried to stay positive and think positive thoughts. It's so hard. Talking with a therapist and meditation has helped give me some specific tools, too. Xo