Last week I reached out to a friend, offering an olive branch of sorts, as my family's move about a year ago offered physical and emotional distancing between the two of us. Long story short, I had attempted via emails and phone calls to reach out to this friend and her husband after we moved, with very little reply from them. Then this past July she emailed me to tell my family she was not able to coordinate a visit for us to our son's apple tree on Appledore Island. As she had assured us for the year prior. The tree we planted in ethan's honor and spread his ashes with. I was hurt that she chose to share this emotional news with us via email instead of by phone. To me, it seemed (and still does) like she chose the easy way out. So as not to have to deal with any emotional fall out.

But lately I have been missing this friendship. Remembering the loving, fun times our families had together. So I reached out to her hoping we could move forward. Only to receive a typed letter in the mail the other day. The first half was fine, speaking of their past year and the general challenges they have faced. But then this was said to me.

"We hope and pray you are soon able to find Peace with Ethan's life everlasting and trust in the Lord that Ethan is not on Appledore. We hope - for the Love of your understanding husband and your three beautiful living children - that you can do this soon - as they too must be suffering by your continued great sadness and continued grief..."

This is perhaps, one of the most hurtful things someone has said to me. And I, as we all have, have had my share of shithead comments directed my way. How dare she, having no idea really what this past year has looked like for me (in grief or in healing, in parenting, in my marriage, in friendship) pass judgement on me. I am no longer the woman on the floor crying all day. But if I was, who is she to judge? And the "continued great sadness" - well, no shit, my SON died in my arms after I told the doctors to take out his breathing tube. Because MY body couldn't keep him safe inside longer. And the "continued grief" - clearly she has no clue that grief is an individual experience for people. It's not one size fits all - not that anybody was asking her opinion on the matter. And the "understanding" family comment - I found that so patronizing. How sad for my family that they have to deal with me. That I am actually inflicting "suffering" on my family for honoring ethan's existence and grieving and healing in a healthy way. That was a cruel comment.

So I write here today as a way to vent. Friends and family have convinced me not to reply to the letter. Though part of me is inclined to put her in her place. Though I'm unsure any good would come out of it. So instead, I vent to you all. I'm not a shit spouse or a shit mom to any of my children, alive or dead.

Oh Annie.
God bless you.
I am so sorry this curveball came at you :(
I remember you writing this past year that your access to the island where Ethan's beautiful apple tree is planted was curtailed for unforeseen reasons.
I know how protective Marcus and I are of AdiaRose and her memory and our keeping and tending of her memory and our connection with her. To have something negative intrude on this sacred thing must feel very uncomfortable and I am so very, very sorry that this person has let you down so badly.

From a strictly objective reading of the situation it seems to me that she might be feeling guilty and instead of addressing it has decided to blame your (perfectly natural) sadness for her discomfort.

It's really sad, Annie. You are so wise to process your feelings before deciding to respond. You are truly one of the wisest MamasI know. Love and hugs to you and Ethan,
Jen (AdiaRose's mommy)

Wow, Annie. You're right- we've unfortunately all had the horrible comments spoken but to have it written in a letter is the worst! In the past I've tried to craft the best email educating people about how insensitive they have been or about how things are for me, but I can never get it right, and I guess I know I can't really change another person. Then, I came across this article. If I were you, I'd send a simple email with a link to this article. This way you don't have to expend the energy justifying yourself and maybe, just maybe the person will learn from the article.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3716013

I've also shared this with friends and family on the anniversary of Shoshanna's birth and death.

Xoxo

What an absolute wanker she is! I can't think of how else to reply to that crock of shit x

Oh Annie, I am so sorry. That would upset me terribly. I, too, have heard and read some shocking things from my family and friends about how they perceive my grief. Ultimately I have just had to disengage with those people, because they just do not seem to understand.

Sapphira, thank you so much for sharing that article. It was very well written and something I think I myself will pass on to friends and family who don't get it.

I am hurting for you Annie. This is cruel and unnecessary. I have had my share of people using the "bad mom" momentum to put an end to my "continued grief", and nothing infuriates me more. What a great idea, to make a mom who has lost a child feel like she is hurting her living children, too. Like you say, how dare these people, clearly they have no clue.

I hope you can trust yourself on the great job you are doing parenting all of your kids, and don't let such idiots put a doubt in your mind. I really don't know what I would do on your shoes. Respond or don't - do what feel right for you, you'll do the right thing.

My own mom had words with me for ruining "yet another" christmas for everyone (afterall, I've been moping for nearly 14 months now). You see, christmas, I held it together just fine with my living daughter around, but needed a little cry on my own, and to tell someone that I miss E terribly that day. And I had the cheek to say that I'm not enjoying the holidays like I used to any more. That was enough to spoil her party.

And that is what these people are all about. Bullying you into pretending to be fine so they don't have to deal with it is pretty damn low. It's not about you at all. I'm so sorry.

Sapphira I too am so very grateful that you posted that link. Wow! Thank you so much!

Annie, I am hoping that after reading the wisdom there you feel supported and validated, as you should be. I think one of the most....ass... things the "friend" wrote was saying that your grief is somehow causing suffering to your other children and DH, as though
in their own individual ways they have not been just as devastated by their loss of Ethan. Such a false perception of you and your precious family.

Grrrrrr.
Fuck her. Really.

Love,
Jen and AdiaRose

Hi Annie,

So sorry you've had to deal with this bullshit. The sanctimonious tone is hard to take, let alone the clueless cruelty. And to have it arrive in the mail at Christmas from a (formerly) trusted friend is just too much. I think you are right to take the high road here and not respond, but only because you will not get anywhere with someone who thinks it was OK to write those sentences to begin with. Unbelievable, really.

Lots of love to you as the new year approaches. May it be free of judgy, wrong-minded correspondence from people who think they know everything.

Sapphira- thanks for the great link and B., so sorry your Mom couldn't just listen and support you in your sadness.

Annie, that is truly horrible. So sorry your trust in this former friend has been betrayed. I also appreciate the grief intelligence link that Sapphira shared. It seems basic, but so many people are uncomfortable with grieving and try to push it away. Lots of love to you - you are a wonderful mama.

Oh I'm so sorry she wrote that to you. How lovely it must be for her to be able to sit on her non - baby- loss high horse and pass judgement on how you should feel and act.

I just want to slap her and tell her to shut up.

Oh I can't thank you all enough! You are simply the best. sapphira I very much like that article. I am a grief therapist myself, and despite me saying the same concepts maybe this woman just dismisses them thinking I'm consumed in my grief and therefore irrational. I am really thinking of whether or not to respond. I think I would like to send a simple email with the link above. Not expecting to change her, but more to assure the boundaries I have set around my ongoing relationship with Ethan. On the other hand, this woman and her spouse are the only people who could get me pictures of Ethan's apple tree going forward. And if I cannot visit the tree I like the idea of seeing how it grows from year to year.

I'm pretty sure this woman has some of her own issues that she is projecting onto me. She's not a parent herself. Her spouse has children with a prior relationship. Those children choose not be in contact with them. And they chose not to have babies together because her step children weren't keen on the idea. I'm rather confident her stuff is coloring how she responds to me.

B - I'm sorry your mom's words/actions caused you to feel that way. I knew that people often speak of the second year being harder than the first. Perhaps that is because some offer us just a 12 month grace period. And then expect us to be done with grieving, all healed up, and back to the previous versions of ourselves. I'm 19 months out now I think (no longer measuring in months) but I still think and miss Ethan several times throughout the day. And I'm ok with that.

It's lovely to hear from you all. It grounds me.

Danielle - I am from Boston and have the associated accent. Imagine me yelling "wanker" and it sounds like "wankah!" With no "r." The rough side of me enjoys swearing. I'm going to add wankah into my language. :)

Annie-this pisses me off for you. What a shitty "friend". In time you will know what to do about the letter. I have lost one of my closest friends bc she thinks I'm not being grateful for what "I do have". I'm sorry no one who loses a baby feels "blessed" anymore. I also feel like people cannot deal w honesty or grief or pain in our society. They Push it away bc it is scary and it hurts. My brother told me last night-I just want you to be ok again. It hasn't even been a year since my son died!!!! And I will never be ok!!!! Why don't they get this. It makes us hurt even more. I want to tell them all-Sorry to be the Debbie downer but you know what-my life sucks. I have found that there are very few people who can look at, sit with, and spend time with an open wound. That is what we all are. But as much as it hurts them to look at us, they will never know the pain we live. I'm sorry this happened to you Annie. From your posts I can tell you are an amazing and thoughtful Mom, and your kids are
Going to be fine, bc they are witnessing someone working through the pain instead of running from it. And that is a strong Mom, a Mom they will be proud to have.

Annie - I am OUTRAGED that your friend wrote this to you. WTF. Like it isn't hard enough to be a baby loss mom without people saying stupid things. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and Ethan tonight. And I love "wankah." :)

Hello Annie,

I am so so sorry you lost your baby.
I have found over the three years since I lost my firstborn 4 days afer birth and easy full term pregnancy, that people are just plain rude and self absorbed. They give you 'advice' when you don't ask. They asume that your grief should end whithin THEIR 'reasonable' timeline. After all, you didn't REALLY know this child, so you should suck it up, and get over it! And this precise reason is why losing a baby at birth or during pregnancy is the most difficult, the evil comments from idiots that follow.
This is why I do not talk about my son to people. My grief is very private, because comments such as the one you received make me so f#ing angry!
So darling girl, do not hold back. Answer her back. Write just how offensive what she said is and why. I mean to imply that you are being a bad mum/wife because you are grieving the death of your baby?! I mean, what the hell?! What an absolute heartless b#tch!
Stuff her! Let her know!
I am so sorry you are going through this!
Lots of love,
Mariana

Always happy to be of help in these circumstances Annie :) I say it in a cockney accent, maybe we could all say it in various accents, record it and send it as your reply :)

That's a fabulously funny idea Danielle. I haven't decided to reply or not yet. We had house guests last week (who come with a baby so that adds another level) so I'm hoping to reflect and pray about it this week and find an answer.

I've given some thought as to a New Years resolution of sorts. I'm not terribly big on those for myself. Toying around with the idea of forgiveness as a focus for me in 2014. Forgiveness towards those who hurt me in my grief - said wankah included. We will see. I think I could forgive the wankah and still speak up. More importantly though, this forgiveness theme for 2014 would need to start with me. I'd very much like to forgive my body for failing Ethan. And thereby failing my heart and the rest of my family. Perhaps forgiveness is a healthier focus for me right now.

Forgiveness of ourselves is probably the hardest forgiveness there is in this community :(

Dear Annie,
The cruel things people say to us never ceases to amaze me. I have learnt though, and this before I lost my child, that people will most likely never see the error in their ways even though it is so evident, like in the case above. If she were to lose a child and receive a nasty message like this, would she accept it gracefully? No, they cannot apply the rule of reversibility. So you have a choice to speak up or not, either will probably not make a difference to her warped opinion on things but whatever you do, must feel right only to you. I could write some very profane words here about this lady and her actions but I pity her above all. What a sad pitiful existence she must live to write to a grieving mother this way.
Jo

cannot thank you all enough. i have read and reread the comments over the last couple of weeks. thought about how i wanted to handle this, distracted myself and then returned to consider my options further.

two days ago someone who i used to consider a dear friend (a friendship that feel victim to the friendship fallout of grieving ethan sadly) did something to upset me. long story short, she had proven herself to become quite selfish and a crap friend over the last number of months. after she stopped replying to any calls, texts, messages from me i decided to "unfriend" her on facebook. deciding to direct my energies towards relationships that would offer me healing, rather than further pain. but two days ago, this friend who has not responded to me for months finally reached out. not to ask what happened to our relationship. not to see if she could mend the friendship with me. but instead, to tell me she was pregnant again, and unexpectedly. went on to acknowledge she knows this news will bring me pain, but wanted me to learn about it the same. thing is - we no longer have overlapping lives and live states away from each other. in short, i would have never known of her pregnancy and growing family, and such ignorance would have been kinder on me. but no, she had to interject her joy over my boundary - one that i set up to support my healing. i told her off. politely but directly. it wasn't all that well received i would say. but at least i got it out.

so tonight, i don't feel the urge to do the same towards this other wankah...the one who wrote said offensive letter. the wankers can go to their own lives and do their thing. i'm done with them for now. and choose to focus my energies on healing myself. and maybe even one day, maybe, forgiving myself fully. if that's possible.

thanks again all - you are the most non-wanker people i know. :)

I received a similar letter only six months after Eva died. The scathing reply I was poised to send my husband convince me to wait a couple days and it never got sent but I cut them out. However a year later I wrote explaining why I hadn't written in a year. I don't think they understood then or now. I don't think they ever will.

And may I add no shit Sherlock I'm sure you know your son is not on appledore but it's about respect and love and honour the same as visiting a grave.

I'm sorry you have to endure more stupidity.

Much love, em

Annie -

I am so so so sorry that you have had to deal with this. Your family is right. Its best not to respond. I mean you can't argue with stupid. I'm sorry she's probably not stupid. That wasn't nice of me. Sometimes I'm not so nice now. It happens I guess. I too have lost friends after my son died. I told one of my dearest friends what happened and she said "Well, that kinda sucks." I did not respond. I mean, how could I? What was there left to say? She doesn't get it. Apparently your friend doesn't either and honestly....... I hope they never do. I hope that no one else ever has too because I know. I would not wish that on anyone. I changed. Not her. You changed. She didn't. And sometimes not all of the before life can carry over into the after life. I'm sorry. But I applaud you for getting up off the floor because I know how hard that truly is.