I've been really short-tempered on a daily basis with my older kids (6 and 5), not all day long, but at least once a day I blow a fuse, and I shout at them. My kids know this is not appropriate behaviour, and it makes me feel like a failure. They are not more challenging than the average kid. I guess I'm just exhausted sometimes, as I don't have any family support, DH works a lot, and I have no friends here. I love them so much that sometimes I feel like I want them to have it all, to experience so much, and maybe I'm being over-ambitious. At the same time, kids that age do want it all: they want playdates, activities, outings. It's about finding the right balance, I know... My therapist also pointed out that kids who had alcoholic parents tend to have "anger" issues and be more perfectionist. I don't know...
I really want to be the perfect Mom to those perfect children. I feel so lucky and honoured to be their mom, they show me so much love. They give me so much. But it's like the more perfect I want to be the more imperfect I am. Then, I think about my dead son and wonder if he's around, if he's with us somehow. I wish I could feel him, and feel stronger, calmer and wiser. It's very difficult to articulate those thoughts as they are so irrational and unclear.
Anyway, just needed to vent. Don't feel you have to tell me it's OK to get angry, I know it's not, and I really hope It will stop happening. Your insight and/or personal experiences would be so appreciated.

Karine, I could have totally written this post a couple weeks ago. I have never been the most patient person. I hadn't been sleeping well since Maggie died and my tiredness from the lack of sleep, plus the exhaustion of my grief and my anxiety over TTC, etc. etc. turned me into a huge grouch. I was getting too sensitive to everything my girls were doing, yelling, etc. It was a terrible cycle of anger, yelling and then feeling terrible. My husband works a lot of hours too and is not usually home in time to help out with dinner, baths and bedtime during the week.

I have found that the most basic of anger management skills- counting to ten before saying anything - has really helped me. I also try to take deep breaths when I feel the urge to yell. It works most of the time.

I hope you are being gentle with yourself, though. No one is perfect. You are exhausted and there is no harm in scaling back your children's activities if they are stressing you out. Better to be happier at home.

I'm not sure how helpful this post is, but wanted to let you know you are not alone. Parenting is hard and parenting with grief even harder. Good luck, mama!

I had the same experience a few months back. And wrote about it here on this new board as well. I feel incredibly lucky to have the healthy, living children in my life. And promised Ethan that his life and death would make me a better mom to his siblings. In many ways I am. And in others I haven't been. I'd raised my voice more often than I was comfortable with. Often a direct result of grieving and feeling exhausted. My mind would be thinking of Ethan, just needing a minute or so to do so. It's hard to grieve a child while parenting living children. As I would think it's hard, in a different way, to grieve a child without a living child to parent.

I do think it's irrational for us to be perfect parents. Grieving or not, perfection is not parenthood. But I understand what you say, knowing that yelling or raising our voices is not preferable. Is not healthy for our living children. After I make mistakes I do apologize to them. I read a blog the other day by a mom (not a bereaved mom, but an overwhelmed mom nonetheless) who admitted to yelling a lot. She had a moment of reflection and decided to give up the yelling. And she's gone a year now without yelling she says. I started two weeks ago. Giving up raising my voice or snapping at them. So far, so good.

I've found increasing my self care is helpful with this.

I'm sorry your baby isn't with you. It never gets less painful. Just different. I am still struck by that.

Thanks Mamas for your feedback,
It helps to feel less alone less of a failure. I'm doing better, I think. Sometimes, I feel I'm angry at them because "sheesh don't they understand how lucky they are to have made it? To be alive and healthy, and living in a wealthy country with parents ready and able to meet their needs and more, most of the time?" Obviously, I'm far from perfect, but I'm trying darn hard. And I enjoy being a Mom so much. I keep smelling them (yes, even my 6-year-old!) and hugging them. I close my eyes and I hope this is going to last as long as I live.
Sometimes, I feel my anger stems from the lack of control over things around me, including my children, and that scares me. I wish I could make sure nothing ever happened to them.

Another thing is Christmas. It's like every year I tend to overlook the impact it has on my kids. It absolutely drives them crazy. It's like a 6-week-long sugar high without the sugar, if you see what I mean. This combined with the fact that we, as parents, have a million things to take care of before the D-day and are therefore more stressed before the holidays.
But being able to vent and hearing from other Moms helped.
Thank you, and wishing you a peaceful holiday season.

Not one of us is perfect I too struggle with anger. Daily. And Christmas is hard. Stinking hard. Sending love,
Em

Thanks Em, I hope this Christmas went as peacefully as possible for you and yours. Now as 2013 draws to an end, I'm feeling a little blue as it's been one full year without my son, or one more year without your Eva. How could we forget them, move on? What kind of mothers would we be if we did?

I lost my son just a few months ago and I never realized how true this was until I asked my son to please put on his pjs. He told me that was the first time I had asked him to do something nicely since his brother died. I apologized and told him it was hard and he said its ok I miss him too and we will get through it as a family. For a 6 year old he's very smart. I'm trying. I'm struggling but I'm trying.