http://clementineknits.blogspot.com/2013/10/on-our-other-sister.html

I just read this blog about a woman whose sister died at 8 weeks old, and how her family remembered her sister, and how that affected her growing up. I thought you all would appreciate reading it as much as I do.

"I asked my mom about the decision to make Rachel such a part of the fabric of our lives. Many families experience a miscarriage or the death of a young child and do not discuss it openly or often as we do. She told me something I’ll never forget. She said, "I wanted you all to grow up knowing that bad things happen, for no reason, things you think you can't survive, but you can, you do. We did.”

She said something else that struck me during that conversation, about how people sometimes say things like, “Well, you are a stronger person or a better mother because this happened.” She doesn’t think about it that way. Although she probably did grow in unexpected ways by knowing Rachel, my mother knows that the purpose of Rachel’s short life was not to teach her something about herself or the value and unconquerable fragility of life. The purpose of Rachel’s tiny life was to live, for as long as her little, imperfect heart would allow. It’s nothing but vanity to think otherwise."

Jenny,

Thanks so much for sharing that - I loved reading a "different" perspective on baby loss (though I admit I sobbed the who way through it).

Thanks for sharing! Loved it.

Thank you for sharing. This has definitely been on my mind as Julia gets older--what will the rituals be, how will her sister be a part of her life. Funny too that the blog name is ClementineKnits...my little girl's name was Shoshanna Clementine.

Jenny, thank you so much for posting this link. I loved the story. It is great to read the perspective of a grown sibling of a lost baby. It was very affirming to read. I love the idea of the flowers in the stocking and will try to adopt that for our family. I wanted Chiara to have a stocking but I was at a loss for what to put in it- now I know.

Jenny,

I love this: "I wanted you all to grow up knowing that bad things happen, for no reason, things you think you can't survive, but you can, you do. We did.”

I also love that her living & dying wasn't a lesson. It's just life.

I'm don't have any LC but I think this was a beautiful read anyways.

Thanks!

Jenny, thank you for sharing this. I'm actually both a subsequent baby (my older brother died shortly after a very, very preterm birth) and a babyloss mom (my first daughter was stillborn at 39w3d). I've written about my experience growing up elsewhere on Glow (will have to go on a hunt for the thread and try to link it here), but really appreciate this topic continuing to surface now and again and reading about other people's experiences and perspectives.

Amanda, I would appreciate reading your perspective some time if you find the thread.

That was like a glimpse into the future for me. Thanks for the share.

That was like a glimpse into the future for me. Thanks for the share.

Hey Jenny, it took some digging but I found it! http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ttc-pregnancy-birth/post/1857674 (June 2012, the title of the OP was "explaining what happened to future children...")

Keep in mind I wrote this while six months pregnant with my subsequent baby, who was born healthy and without incident in September 2012. I think it all still holds true, though, about my hopes for how Freya will grow up knowing about her big sister.

Amanda, thank you for sharing that.

A friend of mine tried to say that I could look at my subsequent baby as a baby who might not have been born if my daughter had not died, and I guess, be grateful or find some kind of solace in that? IDK. But I shut it down quickly. I want to love my as-yet-unborn son for his own sake, not because he is a replacement. There are no replacements, I loved Acacia and wanted her, and I love him and want him. They are different people.

Oh thank you Jenny, this is lovely.

I think about how to include my daughter into my other children's lives all the time. We have developed a few traditions which have felt quite natural and I hope they grow up to appreciate these without feeling like we are forcing her onto them. I want them to know it's about her and her place in our family, not about me needing these traditions.

My son was 2 when she was born and has a small understanding which I know will grow as he does. My rainbow is now 1 and I am always thinking of how we are going to help her understand what happened. I think it can take a few years to work out how to include our lost babies in a way that works for our other kids.

I have always dreaded the moment someone says to me my rainbow would not be here had my daughter not died. This may be the case but it also may not. I don't think anyone has the right to say that to us and I don't think it is fair on any of our children (alive or dead) to think that. But having said that I would also appreciate having that conversation with someone as then I would have the chance to talk about it all, and set them straight.

Christmas has certainly stirred up lots of emotions for me and this topic and been on my mind a lot lately. I think this year I may introduce some of my families traditions onto my extended family when we see them at Christmas. I now realise no one else will do it and it's up to us to tell others how we want to remember her.

Thanks ladies.

c

Having just come home from my 6 wk check at the Dr after losing my firstborn, my daughter I found your link really helpful Amanda thank you so much. Ive just rrtold the story of her death and discussed a next pregnancy. Ugh. Heavy shit I cant deal with this was light at the end of a very dark tunnel right now xx