Hi everyone,

My apologies for posting in all the boards, but I am seeking as much input as possible. I am meeting a friend of a friend this week who is facing the devastating decision of whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. She is 39 years old, and this is her second child, a little boy, who it has taken a good few years to conceive. She received test results last week which were positive for Downs Syndrome; she is approx. 20 weeks pregnant.

Now from what I know, it is likely that she will terminate the pregnancy, so I am not looking for advice on how to convince her to do otherwise. I feel that she is entitled to do what she feels is best for her, although I respect that you may have very strong views about this.

I would appreciate some advice or comment from those moms who have been down a similar path. Is there anything she should expect, emotionally, physically having terminated a pregnancy, that you perhaps would have found useful to anticipate? Or in general, is there anything that I can do for her, or say, that would help ease her suffering (I know this sounds feeble, and that there really isn't anything one can say or do, but I would like to try)

This is just so awful. We still don't have an explanation for why Grace died and that eats me up daily. That being said, I am grateful that I didn't have to make a call on whether she lived or died. I can support this friend because I know what it is like to lose a child. But making and living with a decision to terminate is a whole new level of devastation.

Thank-you.

Colette, I don't know what to say. I had a medical termination at 20 weeks last year. My daughter was diagnosed with a fatal condition so it's not the same situation. I anticipate that your friend will have a very difficult time after (if she does terminate) as she could possibly have terminated a healthy baby who just would have gone through life being a little different to most people.

A week after the termination I felt like I was an evil person. It is morally a very hard situation to be in.

I hope your friend has armed herself with ALL the information about DS and is aware of the huge support network there is for people with the condition.

(Cross posted to all threads on this topic simultaneously).

I've responded to this on the pregnancy board but I just wanted to say, with my moderator hat on, that it is important to remember that this mother may already be reading here, or someone like her. It's very important that Glow is a place that welcomes all comers, without judgement or censure or any sense that others might make different/better choices. I know this is a sensitive issue, especially in a place where people have lost without choice or when a diagnosis meant little in the way of options at all. I ask, gently, that we all remember that everyone walks their own path.

Hello everyone,

I wanted to thank you all for your responses. I did realize that this would be a sensitive issue, and I really appreciated input from those on both 'sides'. I am always so pleased to see that Glow is a place where we can share our feelings and thoughts, and even when we don't necessarily agree, embrace our differences.

I met with N and two other friends - one who had gone through a termination herself and another who had experienced fertility issues. It was a difficult, but open and honest morning. N is managing quite well, considering, and having considered all options made the decision which best suited her and her family. At the end of the day, I don't know that I was much help, but I think simply being there for her, and acknowledging her child, and the loss she has now experienced, was the best I can do. The next few weeks and months are going to be a struggle for her, and as much as I loath that baby loss happens at all, I am glad that there is this group of women, and people like myself in real life who can say 'you're not alone'.

Wishing you all well in your journeys. I hope that you all find peace and joy.

xxx