I lost my beautiful little angel at 3years 3 months and 11 days on boxing day 2012. One day after her father and I started talking about having another child. Janice was born with severe spina bifida and her death was ruled natural cause due to some internal abnormalities. Janice was a very independant, can do child.

After her passing I asked her father if he still wanted another child and we agreed that we did. We waited about 4 months before TTC again. We concieved in May recieving the positive test on June 9th.

This pregnancy has been full of so many emotions. Are we ready? How do I raise this one to know Janice without over shadowing them? and the itch in the back of my mind of whether or not this one will be healthy. The feelings of grief that still come at the most unexpected times and I still have the one year anniversary to get through yet. I don't know how I will manage that at 35 weeks.

Tsukia, welcome to Glow. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter. This is a wonderful place to meet people and find support. Its just a bitter irony that we have to be here in the first place. Nevertheless, I'm glad you found us. My spouse is also pregnant after the loss of our daughter, Alice, to a stillbirth in February 2012. I encourage you to join the group of parents participating in a pregnancy after loss discussion on the "TTC/Pregnancy/Birth After Loss" board (listed under "discussion boards" to the left). Every month there is a thread for pregnant parents. That thread is so very helpful for those of us going through a pregnancy. I invite you to join us. There is an "October Pregnancy" thread from last month and I'm sure someone will start a November thread shortly. Again, welcome. Know that your feelings are completely normal. Much peace and strength to you!

Tsukia-first, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. She sounds amazing, and it is clear how much you loved and cared for her. I understand the sense of finding it difficult to find the right place to connect as your daughter was older. My son passed of SIDs at 6 mos, and so I can relate to your feelings of loss. We knew our son. His personality was beginning to come through, and we were so in love. He went to sleep and never woke up. After watching your daughter grow for three years, it must have been devastating to lose her.
Although the majority of the parents on this site have suffered the tragedy of stillbirth or a loss shorty after birth, I still find that this is the place I am most connected to.
Now that you are pregnant again, this will be a valuable support to you. I am also pregnant-22 weeks with our rainbow. While this pregnancy is fret with anxiety and the fear of another potential loss, it does give me hope for our family. I wish the same for you.

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I am finding some comforting threads and responses. I just feel so lost and really need people that can relate to what I am going through. I have 2 people that I know that lost children but haven't gone through subsequent pregnancy and one of them had a living child from before the loss.

But finding someone that can relate to my fears and anxieties is difficult. Even my other half doesn't seem to understand some of the irrational fears. We have had two good, healthy u/s and yet I still have fears and he doesn't quite understand why. But with Janice no one told us anything was wrong and as far as I knew the u/s were normal, so forgive my irrational fears.

I am sorry, I need to vent...

I am venting cause I hate how people don't understand. I hate how they think that because another little one is on the way it makes everything better. I hate how they use that as a comfort, like it means I shouldn't cry. I hate facebook and how it screams at me "look at what you're missing", "look what you can't have". I hate how jealous it makes me seeing all the happy families. I hate how people seem to have already forgotten Janice and it hasn't been a year. I hate how I worry. I hate the guilt I feel.

I am trying to be happy and enjoy this miracle inside but it seems I am alone. I feel so broken. My heart it seems will not heal despite the little one I carry. I know there are many that wish that they were pregnant that aren't and don't think that I am not happy to have another little one come my way. I just wish Janice could be here with us and enjoy the day.

Tsukia,
I am another mama who is so sorry at your loss of Janice. I echo Carrie's message that you will find the thread pregnant after loss very helpful but it's good to put your own thread out there too as you can have more individual responses.

Our daughter, Eva, died in Aug 2011 at 10 months old. I still grieve her daily even while I hold the little brother she gifted us with a year after her death. There is nothing really to say. The first year sucks ass and the next isn't much better. Although truth is I have found some light in the blackness the second year and my rainbow has helped me a lot. But I miss Eva daily and I honour her in everything I do.

Christmas will be crazy hard. I have no advice but just to endure it and find a special way to honour your Janice during the season. My grief counsellor gave me an idea to hang Eva's stocking and every day in the season of advent to put a note in about something we remembered of her. Then to open it on Christmas day when the others are opening their stockings...I also put little pink things in there that always end up being for me because, well, she doesn't need anything.

I also have a blog if you would like...wwwDOTafterevaDOTblogspot.com

Sending you hope and light.
Em

Thank you Em and I am sorry for your loss as well.

I have found the pregnancy thread and I am getting to know the forum better since finding it a month ago. I will check out your blog, thanks